Halloween–Time to Take Out the (Trailer) Trash

October is one of my favorite months of the year. Texas is a lovely place to live…most of the time. For about three months it can feel like you are living on the surface of the sun—hotter than the hammered hinges of hell, as I like to say. Dig the alliteration.  For most of us Texans, we have this prolonged summer that often lasts until…October. And then right about Halloween time we start getting the really beautiful fall weather that lasts until January :D. The trees turn color and the air is crisp and the skies are blue and the neighborhoods are all decorated for Halloween which is just a magical holiday any way you look at it. Sure, this is the time for the ghouls and goblins and hauntings and scary movies, but it’s also the time for carving pumpkins and making candied apples.

One of my favorite Halloween memories was back in college. I was broke as usual. I attended a university where most of the students drove BMWs and Land Rovers. I walked to school so I didn’t have to put gas in the Geo Metro (picture a pregnant roller skate). So broke.

My college roommate and I still wanted to partake in the Halloween festivities despite our financial difficulties, so I concocted the idea to go as Trailer Trash. It was HYSTERICAL. We went to the local Goodwill (I think Goodwill is a theme for this week) and bought our “costumes.”

My roommate was taller than me so she would be my “wife.” We bought these stretchy pants in a pattern that could cause an epileptic seizure. Seriously, there are some designs that should never be used in clothing. Then we found a pregnancy T-shirt (which we stuffed to make her roughly 9 months along). We bought plastic house shoes and three packages of fantasy tattoos and covered her arms and neck in fairies, unicorns and more unicorns. Then we put pink foam rollers in her hair. She wore giant plastic hoop earrings and every necklace and ring she owned. I used makeup to give her quite an impressive and realistic-looking busted lip and black eye, which she covered with gaudy sunglasses. We topped it off with a baby bag full of tabloid magazines and beer bottles.

I went as her “husband.” I slicked my hair back with oil and wore a cheap Johnny Cash hat, shooting glasses, sweatpants and combat boots, a sleeveless Dallas Cowboys shirt from the 80s with a cammo Army vest and my security guard badge. I even had bubblegum in my cheek as dip. We found these giant fake tattoos of a dragon and a tiger…one for each of my forearms. And the piece de resistance?  Five women’s names on my right bicep….four crossed out.

We were deliciously horrid.

Oh but this wasn’t the end of it. I happened to be friends with two men who owned one of the top fine dining establishments in Fort Worth, the kind of place you have to get reservations. So my roomie and I decide to “go out for dinner.” We walk inside and the entire place just went silent. The maître de was in the back and I quickly told the partrons that we were in costume and asked that they not give us away. So Nick, the maître de comes around the corner and nearly loses his teeth when he sees us. I demand a table and want to know why they don’t play any good music like Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash.  Anyway, I throw a holy Trailer Trash fit. I call him a damn foreigner and demand to know if he’s a communist. I have a fit because there aren’t burgers on the menu and holler how I refuse to eat this commie food and want to know why they don’t serve good American food like Hooters. I scream at my roommate that we should have gone to Golden Corral because nothing says “class” like a buffet with all you can eat shrimp and steak. My roommate starts crying and howling how I don’t love her and how the psychic hotline told her that I would get drunk and ruin our date night…and I smack her in the back of the head and tell her to shut the hell up. We had a hoot. Nick turns white, the owner/chef comes flying out of the kitchen. He’s demanding we leave and I get louder and yell how my food stamps are just as good as real money and how I know people and I am going to turn him in as a communist.

Just about the time I know Anthony is going to call the cops and have us dragged off to jail…I tell him who we are.

The entire restaurant just erupts with laughter and after the urge to chicken-choke the two of us passes, Nick and Anthony laugh too.

And I will always remember that Halloween. Best fun I’ve ever had for under ten dollars.

What are some of your best Halloween memories? Or best pranks? What do you guys love about autumn? Share your thoughts.

I want to hear your comments, and to prove it…

Leave a comment and I will put your name in for a drawing, and you can win an autographed copy of my book We Are Not Alone—The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. I’m going to gather all comments until Halloween and then the winner will be announced November 1st. Trackbacks count as an entry, so you can double your chances to win by leaving a comment and then linking to any of my blogs.

Happy writing!

Until next time…

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  1. #1 by L.C. Evans on October 29, 2010 - 2:27 pm

    I don’t have anything as funny as this, but I’ll share. One of my favorite memories was when my oldest daughter was 8 and helped me pick out the costumes. She got a little monster costume complete with monster mask for my son who was 4. When it came time for him to put on his costume, he screamed at the mask and said he was too afraid to wear his own costume. I had to improvise and dress him as a pirate–tattered shorts and shirt, eye patch, red scarf headband, and cardboard “dagger” covered in foil. Actually, this pirate improv seems to be an old family tradition. When my bother was 4, he got mad at my sister and tore up the costume my mother had made for him. She went with the last minute pirate and he won a prize for best costume at the town festival.

  2. #2 by Julie Anne Lindsey on October 29, 2010 - 2:39 pm

    I have always loved Halloween. My memories of pumpkin patches adn corn mazes and bonfires and hayrides.. *sigh*. My childhood memories of Halloween are pretty much the same as those memories I’m making now with my children, but the memories that always make me giggle are the ones I made in between. Those years when I was young, and thin and childless LOL and Halloween was an excuse to dress really slutty without judgment ROFL. I have personally played the role of slutty, nurse, librarian, cheerleader, maid, and bunny. Those are my blush a little what-was-I-thinking memories. Unique to themselves and always prompting a smile. Thanks for a trip down memory lane :)

  3. #3 by CMStewart on October 29, 2010 - 3:01 pm

    Wow, talk about brave! I once went as trailer trash to an adult Halloween party, but I didn’t make a scene.

    Another time I went as an extremely busty woman (in real life I am not at all busty). I walk in the house, say hello to my friends, and nobody says a word about my chest. I take off my jacket, sit, and do an exaggerated arm-back stretch, popping out my chest even more. There’s a gentleman sitting near me I hadn’t yet met. After about five minutes of stretching, heaving, and jutting my falsies over the table, the gentlemen gets up, goes into the other room, pulls the hostess aside, and (as she later told me) says “Did you see her chest?! They’re amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” He thought they were real, and was quite smitten.

  4. #4 by Susan Bischoff on October 29, 2010 - 3:25 pm

    Best. story. evar.

    • #5 by Kristen Lamb on October 29, 2010 - 3:56 pm

      LOL…glad you liked, :D.

    • #6 by Patrick Thunstrom on October 29, 2010 - 9:07 pm

      I couldn’t say it any better myself!

  5. #7 by Christi Craig on October 29, 2010 - 3:57 pm

    Fellow Texan here (though I’ve uprooted and moved elsewhere). I miss those two seasons.

    My most memorable Halloween: I was a Junior year in High School and dressed up as a Q-tip. For one day, I actually “fit in” and got high fives from all sorts of popular people. Go figure. I still don’t get it.

  6. #8 by Suzanna L. on October 29, 2010 - 4:59 pm

    When I was in middle school, I went over to my friend’s house to go trick-or-treating. I waited until I got there before putting on my costume. It was the third year in a row that I had decided to go as a zombie. I was in the bathroom trying to get my face just the right shade of putrefied green when my friend knocked on the door. I answered and she screamed bloody murder. I decided I had done the make up right and went back to apply the rest. Later that night, the same friend, her sister, and I climbed the fence into the cemetery. My friend was absolutely terrified. Her sister and I weren’t helping by saying that we sensed ghosts or saw shadows moving. Right when she was working herself up into a lather, we ducked behind a couple of tall headstones while her back was turned. My friend started calling our names. We didn’t answer. Finally, she ran off screaming, climbed the fence, and went crying all the way home (which was only right up the road). So, her sister and I climbed the fence to follow just as a car pulled up. It was my parents! Mom hops out of the car and asks what we’re doing. I told her we were just walking in the cemetery. She said, “Oh. Okay. Well, have fun, honey.” And she got back into the car and they drove away with my little brother in the back seat. I went back to my friend’s house to find her a sobbing mess. I felt a little bad about it and her mother was upset with me. I still think it was kind of funny, though.

  7. #9 by Marilag Lubag on October 29, 2010 - 8:17 pm

    This is so funny! All’s well that ends well. It would be better if you record it. :-)

    I love the weather for autumn. Not as hot as summer and not as cold as winter. It’s just right.

  8. #10 by MaLinda Johnson on October 30, 2010 - 1:19 am

    I too love Halloween. My birthday was 2 weeks ago; as a kid I always loved getting candy and presents in the same month. :)

    My favorite halloween memory is from high school. The last time I trick or treated was my junior year with a half dozen friends. We live in Ohio; it was so cold that year we couldn’t feel our fingers or toes by the end of the night! Spent the remainder of the evening watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Gorged on candy for days afterward. It was awesome!

    I still love to give out candy to kids big and little every year (and sometimes dress up for that in my pumpkin shirt and dark nail polish.) Happy Halloween! :)

  9. #11 by Piper Bayard on October 30, 2010 - 1:48 am

    What a hoot. My favorite memory of Halloween is of my kids. There is nothing like the face of a 3-yr-old who figures out he can get candy with just a knock and three words. All the best.

  10. #12 by Jami Gold on October 30, 2010 - 3:33 pm

    Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I just wish there were more costume parties around here so I’d have an excuse to dress up. :)

  11. #13 by Jami Gold on October 30, 2010 - 3:34 pm

    P.S. Where are the pictures of these costumes? Hmmm? We’re waiting… ;)

  12. #14 by Callene on October 30, 2010 - 11:01 pm

    Mine is sort of like yours, in college I had a new boyfriend, and he was going to pick me up at the dorm to go to a party. It was also the first time I was going to get to meet his friends. So, I dressed as a pregnant woman. Stuffed a folded towel in a t-shirt, (it was surprisingly realistic) and put a big baggy shirt over the top. This was the 80’s, mind you. I put my hair up with the requisite 80’s bow, lace no less, and made my self up in the classic style of the day. The look on all their faces was priceless, and I got even more looks all through the night using my “baby” as a prop for my Bud Light can. I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun on a Halloween.

  13. #15 by oh on October 31, 2010 - 9:57 pm

    mmmm…a best Halloween was spent in silence. New boyfriend, splashy type, and we were in the high-end restaurant circuit where we all worked. Our first date was Halloween, major party, splashy types, the kind who rent. Could make an easy first date but I was nervous. Wasn’t sure what it would be like chilling with these people. Pinky finger in the air types or foodies or what? My date was hellbent busy the week before Halloween, mentioned he wasn’t sure he could pull off the party and I offered to handle our costumes. He was cool with that.
    I dropped his off at the restaurtant where he ws working that night; and later, when he picked me up, I wordlessly hopped in the car. Oh my god, so THAT’s who we are! he said, loooking at me. I nodded my head. He was in a tux of sorts, had glasses, which he donned and a moustache, which he smushed above his lip. He was Groucho to my Harpo I was rigged in a the red curly top and top hat, baggy coat and horn. Not sexy, but effective; I didn’t have to talk all night and got away with crazy stuff a la Harpo. Meanwhile he was very comfrotable in the tux and guise and maybe, just maybe, he appreciated that I couldn’t/didn’t talk. Not once all evening. (there are so many other ways to communicate!) Great Halloween. And it lead to date #2. Which we spent talking, at length, over a great meal.

  14. #16 by terii on November 2, 2010 - 2:59 pm

    Ah well. A bit late, but I’ll share any way. ;)

    One of my favorite Halloweens had started about a week early. One of our neighbors (and close family friend) lived in the small apartment building next to us. No porch. No easily accessible front door for trick-or-treaters. He wanted to do some kind of decoration, so asked my parents if he could set up something on our huge front porch. “Of course!” they said.

    He bought bunches of bundles of straw and tied corn stalks. Also he used my mother’s weathered old rocking chair to set up a scarecrow of stuffed clothes with a huge straw cowboy hat. The final touches were a number of impressively carved jack-o-lanterns.

    The entire neighborhood had about a week to grow accustomed to the elaborate set up. About 6 pm, I’d gotten dressed up as a black cat and headed out for my collection of candy. I was coming home around 9 am. I strolled up the well lit porch and SCREAMED as the scarecrow grabbed me. I also walloped said scarecrow with my candy bucket. Our neighbor had done an extremely good job of mocking himself up so well as the stuffed clothes I couldn’t tell the difference even in good light.

    Once I got over the anger of being startled, I was giggling. I spent the rest of the evening peeking out a window and watching him do the same thing to the other trick-or-treaters.

    • #17 by Kristen Lamb on November 2, 2010 - 3:08 pm

      That’s AWESOME! What a way to make someone pee their pants LOL. Thanks for sharing :D

  15. #18 by Kerry Meacham on January 10, 2011 - 1:53 am

    HILL-arious. Since I’m from Tennessee but living in St. Louis, it is good to hear a good ole trailer trash story. One thing I’ve learned from my travels is that redneck ain’t a location, it’s a state of mind. Of course I can say that since I grew up redneck. Thanks for a great post Kristen.

    Kerry

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