Martha Stewart or a Tinsel-Covered Train Wreck? What’s Your Holiday “Style”?

Nothing says HOLIDAY like a NERF BATTLE AX....

Nothing says HOLIDAY like a NERF BATTLE AX….

Thanksgiving is this week, but we ALL know Christmas is zooming right behind. If you’re anything like me, you make this super stupid promise to yourself roughly December 24th that you will buy gifts throughout the year, so you aren’t pressed and stressed and ready to stand on a roof with a shotgun holding the entire dish of rum balls hostage…and ALL the rum. No, this year will be different. I will be PREPARED.

*clutches sides laughing*

Yeah….

Sort of reminds me of finals back in college. Next time I am going to read all my chapters AHEAD of time.

Christmas is a magical time of year, but all of us handle the season differently. So what is your Holiday Style? Here’s a helpful little quiz:

1) When cleaning before the holidays, you:

a) Might give the mantel a light dusting just so you don’t look like a show-off. The gleam from your spotless fixtures could cause retinal damage. Eloise is a rank amateur next to you.

b) Make a plan to go room by room and whip your house into shape. Once this baby is clean, you KNOW it will stay that way for good. In fact, you’ve vowed to stab your husband in the face if he leaves his towel on the bathroom floor, and have threatened your children with a tell-all e-mail to Santa if they don’t put their clean clothes away properly.

c) Get a little excited because you haven’t seen your floors, counters or pretty much any of your home’s flat surfaces since the party last New Years. In fact, you are pretty sure the Christmas tree is still up under one of the piles of laundry and unopened mail. Hey, why take down decorations you know you will need every year?

Screen Shot 2013-11-24 at 8.19.39 PM

Yes, this is um…ME *hangs head*

2) When it comes to holiday shopping, you:

a) Are already finished. You made a long, detailed list last January and have spent the year buying the perfect gift for all your loved ones. All that’s left is to enjoy the season while those ill-prepared dopes fight over the last Holiday Barbie.

b) Wait until Black Friday. Technically, you start three days before Black Friday. What better way to use all that camping equipment you got last year for Christmas, than to stake out the front of Apple, Ikea or Best Buy?

c) Dig through your closet for all the unopened crappy gifts you got at the office Secret Santa party last year and then re-gift them to your distant relatives. Sure, Aunt Edna doesn’t know who Justin Bieber is, but who wouldn’t want a singing toothbrush?

Well, other than you, of course.

3) When it comes to gifts, you:

a) Spare no expense. The holiday season is a season of generosity. All your gifts are thoughtful, beautiful, lavish, and better than everyone else’s.

b) Believe it’s the thought that counts, and most people will think you are cheap if they see the Clearance sticker on their present, which is why you LOVE black Sharpies. They can be counted on to fully black out the $4.99 on the bottom of that seashell vase from Anthropologie. Hey, we don’t have to pay retail to still give an awesome gift. You just make sure the gift recipient can see part of the original price of $89 so they feel like you “shelled” out a lot of cash.

c)  Make one trip. Dollar General has everything you need for Christmas gifts. What could be a better Christmas gift than cans of Lite Vienna Sausages (Now Made with REAL Meat!) or Low-Sodium Spam?

4) When it comes to holiday memories, you:

a) Love capturing every moment on video, then editing the clips to music using your MacBook Pro. Then, of course you order prints from SnapFish so you can scrapbook together all the holiday magic. You have the cutest little snowman stickers that will add the perfect touch to the family newsletter you send out early morning December 26th.

b) Have them all in a big box that you will organize one day…once you locate the box.

c) Just get drunk on Jack and Coke then watch Jerry Springer reruns. The effect is pretty much the same.

5) Of all the Christmas carols, you:

a) Know Handel’s Messiah is your all-time favorite, and you know all the words. Why wouldn’t you? You sing in the choir every year.

b) Can’t get enough Silver and Gold, sung by Burl Ives. It reminds you of being a kid and waiting all year to see Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

c) Think Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is the funniest carol EVER, next to the Three Kings who tried to smoke a rubber cigar. In fact, you can’t even sing Deck the Walls with the correct lyrics.

6) As far as wrapping Christmas presents, you:

a) Use the tips you saved out of Martha Stewart Magazine. You bought the heavy duty paper and lavish bows last year at the Container Store After Christmas Sale and expensive ornaments 85% off at the Dillard’s After Christmas Sale. All your gifts look so beautiful, they might as well be considered Christmas decorations. No one ever wants to open your gifts until they’ve taken a picture of the wrapping.

b) Thought you were saving money when you bought the wrapping paper from Wal Mart. Of course, you didn’t foresee that it was as thin as rice-paper on a crash diet. After tearing the corners on every box you wrapped, you had to wrap everything AGAIN. This means ten gifts took 42 rolls of paper. You lost the tape, only to later find it stuck to your butt. The dog ate all the ribbon and is now pooping tinsel, and your husband has found it HYSTERICAL to put tape on all the cat’s paws instead of helping.

You make a note to buy big bottle of Maker’s Mark for next year’s wrapping.

c) The gifts you bought came pre-wrapped. It’s called a Dollar Store bag. DUH. You love the environment, so why cut down more trees when THIS Christmas wrapping paper can later be used to pick up the tinsely dog poop?

7) When it comes to dressing for holiday parties you:

a) Buy smashing outfit ahead of time so you have time to find the perfect accessories and shoes to match. Then you make sure to get an appointment with a hairdresser and makeup artist in October before the slots fill. Why trust those holiday pictures to anyone but a professional?

b) Buy an outfit ahead of time, but completely forget about shoes and earrings…and eating less. You bought the dress even though it was too small, because it was supposed to make you be “good” this year and not overeat. Ah, but that was until the dog started pooping tape and Christmas ribbon and you leveled the fudge like a Biblical plague (Baby Jesus would have been duly impressed).

So Christmas Eve you find yourself wandering the mall searching for the last pair of Spanks in the free world. Speaking of tinsel, you can’t help but wonder what the tinsel-strength of spandex is. In your mind, you imagine a Catastrophic Spanx Failure that takes out three innocent bystanders.

And is it considered an act of domestic terrorism if you survive?

c) Just wear yoga pants and a maternity top for the extra “give.”

8) As far as decorating for the holidays, you:

a) Hire professionals. Can’t be Yard of the Month without a little help. Your Christmas lights can be seen from space. The folks at NASA and the Soviet Space Station are your biggest fans.

b) Were going to avoid it altogether until it became evident that you were the ONLY house on the block without lights, and now you have been shamed into putting out some last-minute effort. Of course, everything was sold out, so you were forced to decorate with the Halloween lights.

Orange works, right? Hell, just put Santa hats on all the skulls. Make it a Goth Christmas.

c) Just plug them in. You left them up all year :D.

9) When it comes to your children and Santa, you:

a) Bake cookies for Santa with the kids, and Christmas Eve you take the little ones out into the yard and spread some “Reindeer Food.” Your husband dresses in a Santa costume and you “sneak” some iPhone footage of Santa at work in your living room to show the kids the next morning. Childhood is a magical time and you want to fuel your children’s imaginations.

b) Take them to Cabela’s. Free photos with Santa, fishing gear is 50% off, and they FINALLY have your ammo in stock.

c) Let your neighbor take your kids to Cabela’s. You still have to find the Christmas tree…after you level up on Halo 6.

10) When your kids question how Santa can make it to all the boys’ and girls’ houses in all the world in one night, you:

a) Tell them that Santa is the spirit of generosity and love, and that spirits have powers we mortals cannot comprehend.

b) Point the pizza kiosk in the mall and yell, “I’m buying!”

c) Inform your kids that Santa has been cloned, and reference the Star Wars Clone Wars.

11) When sending out holiday cards, you:

a) Buy cards for Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, and just general holiday cards and then send them to the appropriate recipients.

b) Buy generic reindeer cards, then write it “Happy Holi-Chrisma-Kwanzaa-kuh.” Your friends all know you’re weird anyway. Frankly, they are all shocked you got the cards sent at all.

c) Holiday Cards? *laughs hysterically until can’t breathe*

12) When someone gives you a dreadful gift, you:

a) Know they meant well, so you make sure they see you wearing that horrendous purple mohair vest at the church bake sale. You would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

b) Send a nice thank you note then return the gift for something you prefer.

c) Stockpile the crappy gifts away for next year, so you don’t have to do as much Christmas shopping. Hey, waste not want not.

Tally Your Scores!!!

Amazing Alice/Awesome Alan

If you answered mostly As, you get an A+++++ in Christmas. You, Amazing Alice/Alan, are the star of the show with the prettiest EVERTYHING, the one who has everything in order and who pulls out all the stops…which is probably why most of us secretly hate you and want to stab YOU in the face.

Normal Nancy/Typical Ted

If you answered mostly Bs, relax. You’re normal. While you probably could try a little harder, why bother? Amazing Alice and Awesome Alan are going to outdo you anyway.

Slacker Sarah/Lazy Larry

Hey, life is too short to be organized. There are video games to play.

I hate to say it but I am almost an even mix of Normal Nancy and Slacker Sarah. Every year I promise to try harder. ONE DAY I will be an Amazing Alice…yeah, no. My brother and sister-in-law are Amazing Alice and Awesome Alan, which is why I love them, but am secretly jealous. Even why I TRY to make my Christmas packages look all awesome and professionally wrapped…they just look more like a roll of wrapping paper and Scotch tape had a drunken one-night-stand.

Sigh.

What is the worst Christmas gift you’ve ever gotten? My Aunt Iris once bought me a bright purple sweater that was so small, I think it was made for a Barbie, a child or a circus midget…then loudly commented on how fat I’d gotten when I couldn’t “try it on.”

So what about you guys?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of November, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novelor your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

Also, for all your author brand and social media needs, I hope you will check out my new best-selling book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World.

Make sure you check out all the awesome WANA International Classes. You take care of your family, why not yourself? Sneak away. We won’t tell. And Dollar Store Bags make AWESOME wrapping and they will all get better gifts once your book is a best-seller, right?

Yes, I am an enabler. But we are more fun :D.

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  1. #1 by moxeyns on November 25, 2013 - 10:04 am

    LOL oh dear – one year, I will get an A in just one category. It can’t be THAT hard, right? Oh wait, the cat just threw up…

  2. #2 by Catherine Johnson on November 25, 2013 - 10:12 am

    Too freakin funny! I read another post about someone cleaning and almost had to breatge into a paper bag afterwards. There’s no way I’m scrubbing the skirting boards I’m just going to turn the steam mop on its side and glide along. Or just let the guinea pigs out they always go for walls ;)

  3. #3 by angelaackerman on November 25, 2013 - 10:14 am

    Great post! And lol, I think we ALL have an Aunt Iris in our past….#sigh. Mine called me “well fed.” #waytobuildthatselfesteen

  4. #4 by Heather Wright on November 25, 2013 - 10:24 am

    When I was little, my aunt bought me a ceramic scotch tape dispenser that looked like a dog. The roll of tape sat in it’s hollowed out back and the sharp piece of metal for cutting the tape was its tail. I never used it–just creeped me out.

  5. #5 by Elke Feuer on November 25, 2013 - 10:38 am

    OMG! This post made me laugh. I’m a Normal Nancy, but my in-laws are Amazing Alice/Awesome Alan. Luckily, they don’t live anywhere near us, so we only see them once a year. It’s hilarious to watch my hubbie rush around getting the house ready whenever they visit. At least I get my honey do list, that’s been accumulating for a year, gets done. :-)

  6. #6 by jhozvicka on November 25, 2013 - 10:45 am

    Great ideas and suggestion. On holidays when I’m low on cash I like to give gifts the way they did it in the Victorian days, a food basket with home made gifts on the side. Something small that I made with my hands that I know my friends need and belive me they love it more and it doesn’t look so commercial.

  7. #7 by Romy Sommer on November 25, 2013 - 10:49 am

    Loved this post, Kriten. I hover somewhere between Bs & Cs but I still love Christmas and it’s my favourite time of year. But my carol of choice would be Kylie Minogues’ “Santa Baby”. I am a romance writer, after all!

  8. #8 by Romy Sommer on November 25, 2013 - 10:50 am

    Oops, and that should have been KRISTEN. Why doesn’t the internet ahve Spellchecker?

  9. #9 by Romy Sommer on November 25, 2013 - 10:51 am

    Okay, I’m stepping away now…

  10. #10 by sharonhughson on November 25, 2013 - 10:54 am

    First year at a new job – I’ve known these people for all of three months – I go to the Christmas party. The boss has a stack of gifts that his adorable Thai wife is handing out. We drew numbers. When the boss calls your number, you go to the front of the room and Mrs. Boss hands you a package.
    Most people were getting clever nick knacks or unique items from Thailand. Nothing bad. Obviously not a White Elephant gift exchange. My number’s up so I head to the front. She hands me a gaudy Asian gift bag. Inside is a blue-striped box that could have been from the 1940s. I lift the lid, push the paper aside and freeze.
    I can see no graceful way out of this situation. Everyone calls for me to hold up the gift. Studiously avoiding eye contact with everyone, I pull out a fat pink lady in a bathing suit. Made of wax, of course, with a wick sticking out of her Marilyn Monroe hairdo. Everyone gasps. Mrs. Boss has a light of joy in her eyes. She thinks I’ve won the jackpot.
    “Unique,” I say. “I’ve never seen anything like it (nor do I ever hope to again – remains unspoken). Thank you.”
    I run back to my seat and shove the bag under it, calling for the next number. When did it get so hot in here anyway?
    Of course, six years later at a White Elephant gift exchange with the same group of co-workers, I won the prize for giving the worst gift ever when I regifted the monstrosity. Funniest part, none of them remembered my horrified moment of embarrassment at the earlier gathering – or even that they had seen the thing before.

  11. #11 by conniecockrell on November 25, 2013 - 11:02 am

    LOL! Too funny and a great post. I’m a B with forays into A and C. It all gets done and we have fun.

  12. #12 by Michelle on November 25, 2013 - 11:05 am

    My cleaning routine consists of looking around and estimating where on the “Hoarders” scale my house would fall. a) “Messy, but not bad enough for me to stop watching ‘Hoarders’ to do something about it” b) “This may take a few days…” c) “F@#kin’ sh&tballs, what the heck is THATS?” or d) “I think I see a camera crew, mental health therapist and the battalion of cleaning people in the front yard.”

    Typically, the house fluctuates between “a” and “b,” with some panicked moments of “d,” but I am proud to report we are not on the “Hoarders” radar yet!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  13. #13 by Julie Glover on November 25, 2013 - 11:12 am

    Yes, I’m also a mix of normal and slacker (leaning a little more slacker). My kids give me a really hard time about how much scotch tape I use on gifts. But what’s a girl to do when the stupid wrap won’t hold together right because she can’t wrap a gift nicely to save her life? I did at least master curly ribbon with a lesson from a friend who used to professionally wrap. (Who does that? Professionally wraps? Those people are like superheroes to me. What powers they have!)

    Now if we could combine Christmas and Valentine’s, I’d be able to knock out the two holidays that flummox me every year in one fell swoop! LOL. Merry Valen-Christmas, anybody?

  14. #14 by TraceyLynnTobin on November 25, 2013 - 11:19 am

    I don’t want to brag, but Christmas is the one thing that I definitely get an “A” in…as we speak I’m almost finished shopping and have almost every inch of the house scrubbed in anticipation of decorating. lol

    On the “worst gift ever” topic, I have to give the award to my grandmother who, when I was about 14, gave me a jogging suit (sweater and sweat pants) with a hideous cat on the front of the sweater…which wouldn’t have been half so bad except it was sized for an eight-year-old. That particular grandmother was always a bit loopy though…lol

  15. #15 by Janet Wolfe on November 25, 2013 - 11:30 am

    Too funny! Kristen, you make my day. Enjoy all the ThanksHanaKwanzaMass.

  16. #16 by Melissa Lewicki on November 25, 2013 - 11:45 am

    I wrap all my gifts in paper. But, I only put ribbons on the ones that are in the front of the tree….

  17. #17 by Katie Cross on November 25, 2013 - 11:50 am

    My husband and I hate gifts, so before we got married we made a mutual decision to not buy gifts for each other for Christmas or birthday. We just travel somewhere instead. It’s worked fabulously. I feel hardly any stress. We do buy for family, however, and will have more of a Christmas when we have kids.

    Of course, I’m a total enabler, but we are more fun.

  18. #18 by bdub11b on November 25, 2013 - 12:09 pm

    Man you make really wear that green lantern shirt, and for the nerf axe me and my son go toe to toe withose in target! So funny

  19. #19 by Michele Drier on November 25, 2013 - 12:12 pm

    Everybody knows my presents because there’s cat and dog hair stuck under the tape. Hey, it’s from all of us!
    And one year I was dating a guy who thought of himself as a player. He gave me a small bottle of a perfume that I’d never wear (don’t remember what, now). Later, I found out he’d bought it in bulk…several of my friends who’d dated him (BIG clue) got the same present.

  20. #20 by Kathryn Chastain Treat on November 25, 2013 - 12:21 pm

    OH, I didn’t know there was going to be scores taken. Now I have to go back in a bit and actually answer the questions for myself.

  21. #21 by Debi on November 25, 2013 - 12:26 pm

    Awesome Alice, your sense of humor sleighs (definite pun) me! I’m a total Slacker Sarah with visions of Awesome Alice and Normal Nancy dancing like chocolate-rum balls through my dreams all year long. If only my kitchen cabinets, floors and dust-free ceiling fans (ha!) could audition for a spot in that first picture of your blog today, I would be (as we Okies fluently describe it) in hog heaven. Off to make more chocolate-rum balls…if only I can find the rum.

  22. #22 by Suzanne Lucero (@S_Lucero) on November 25, 2013 - 1:01 pm

    Happy Holi-Christma-Kwanzi-Kuh? *snort* Catastrophic Spanx Failure that takes out three innocent bystanders? *Falls off chair laughing*

    Kristen, you give the gift of laughter, which is the best gift after Love there is. And it doesn’t require wrapping. See? I already saved you hundreds of dollars in gift wrap and postage. You’re welcome.

  23. #23 by cynthiagrstacey on November 25, 2013 - 1:23 pm

    OMG Kristen you never cease to amaze me. I am drying my eyes and trying to stay on my chair after all the laughing. My answers were all over the map. I am almost done shopping.:) I have no intention of cleaning any more than usual. :( I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. I intend to bake lots of cookies (I will probably buy the already made ones that you pop in the oven. Worst gift? My ex mother in law was very predictable for getting me useless gifts- too small slippers (I never wear slippers) pot holders that don’t match my kitchen oh and a book on how to have a successful marriage (she should have given that to her son!) Happy Holi-Chrisma-Kwanzaa-kuh to you and yours.

  24. #24 by Sadie Carrieri on November 25, 2013 - 1:56 pm

    You are so funny Kristen. I envy you great thinking and sense of humor. So what do I do As I get older less and less. Last year the Hollowe’en lights stayed up and I added more Christmas colors on the front bushes. I also added a few fake poinsettias to the autumn-summer-spring door wreath.
    This year I am already sending back the door decoration and a box of Halo flashlight that I bought from QVC, I bought all 10 grandkids the same thing and sent them all to my son’s house where everyone will be (except me), but I must have made a mistake on the shipping address on-line and the box came to me instead.. Now I have to mail them myself and I think they are cheesie cheap.Ugh! I did get beautiful gifts for my husband’s office staff. We don’t entertain much except for very great old friends and have two dogs who mess up everything anyway, so all I do is a quick vaccumn (Is that how you spell it.) I sometimes like to bake cookies, but after we eat them all, I always say i’ll never bake again. Last night I made brownies. Some neighbors bring gifts around which surprised us the first year we lived here. This year I am going to skip it. My bad!

  25. #25 by saralitchfield on November 25, 2013 - 2:00 pm

    People clean before Christmas?! It’s bad enough cleaning after!

  26. #26 by Christine Hendler on November 25, 2013 - 3:09 pm

    Hilarious doesn’t begin to describe this wonderful post!! Thank you thank you thank you for causing me to belly laugh at my mani/pedi and the whole shop to eye me with suspicion that Happy Hour had already started! Thank you for being so human😄!

  27. #27 by Cygnet Brown on November 25, 2013 - 5:52 pm

    What do you mean Christmas is almost here? I’m still trying to finish for NaNoWriMo! We usually wait until Christmas Eve to get Christmas gifts because storage costs money and gifts are often discounted by then! Store bought cookies are never burnt either! Thanks for reminding us that the season is the season to be jolly, fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

  28. #28 by Margaret Taylor on November 25, 2013 - 5:53 pm

    Ok, so I run with the majority and fall somewhere between Normal Nancy and Slacker Sarah. I have no pretensions that I will *ever* be an Amazing Alice. Nope, ain’t gonna happen. But hey, I have my reasons.

    I have no family. My parents are dead, had no siblings and any extended family I *had* is gone too. So, in reality, Christmas is just another day for me. I *do* put up a tree, but with no one to buy for and no one to buy for me, I fear the only gifts under it are what I buy for myself.

    But, I like to be surprised, so I pick up little things throughout the year – trinkets mostly, t-shirts, PJ’s cute pillows or blankets, slipper/fuzzy socks and the like and just throw it in a box. The day after t-day, I wrap everything in said box and put it under the tree. Then, we Christmas morning rolls around it’s been long enough that I forget what’s in said now wrapped gifts and HEY! Look at that! Just what I always wanted. Cookie Monster Jammy Pants. *pats self on the back.* Thank you me!

    I also, of course, wrap gifts – cat/dog toys – for the animals and have fun watching them tear into them.

    As for the worst gift…well, I fear I’m a culprit of giving instead of getting. Back when my parents were alive my mother decided to give my father a restoration package on a car he had (66 Mustang.) She didn’t tell him she was going to do it and claimed for about two weeks before Christmas that it was “in the shop” while a mechanic did the work. Dad was so busy, he failed to notice. Well he was giving HER a brand new washing machine. So, I told mom what she was getting. She called the shop – Sears at the time – and had it delivered several days early. We hid it in my room and she had ME tell Dad it was already here and I’d taken the initiative to wrap it for him. In reality I’d put the key to his car in small box and then wrapped it up in more boxes getting progressively larger until it all fit within the Washing Machine box. It looked like one of those little Russian Doll things where you open the big one and find several smaller ones inside? Yeah.

    So, Christmas rolls around, Dad sees the BIG box and thinking it’s for mom, points it out to her. Mom says, Oh no dear, this ones for you.

    He gets this gleeful look in his eyes – he loved Christmas and thus proceeds to tear into said Washing Machine Box with it’s numerous boxes inside like the kid at Christmas. (Everyone remember the “Major Award” moment in A Christmas Story? Yeah, he looked like that…*sighs*) Anyway, TWO HOURS LATER, he’s still unwrapping the smaller boxes, one by one – yes the ones inside were wrapped too and he had to open each one to get to the next. What can I say, I’m devilish. Anyway, two hours go by and he FINALLY gets to the last box. He opens it, more than a little annoyed at this point, sees the key, recognizes it of course and bolts outside to find his beloved Mustang, in the driveway, fully restored.

    So, no, it wasn’t the worst gift he ever got – it was the best – but I admit I had more fun watching him get madder and madder with each box he discovered than I probably should…

  29. #29 by Sandy Bruney on November 25, 2013 - 6:10 pm

    Fuzzy purple slippers, also 2 sizes too big — loved the post, I definitely am not in the first category.

  30. #30 by Christine (@ckRaggio) on November 25, 2013 - 6:12 pm

    I can’t tell you how much I love your posts. They always make me laugh and I can’t think of even one that I haven’t learned something from. You are truly an inspiration. As for my worst gift… My older sister bought me and my little sister Hooked On Phonics. I was 15. Um, yeah… I wish somebody would’ve taken a picture of the expression on my face.

  31. #31 by Ruth Hartman Berge on November 25, 2013 - 6:27 pm

    Too funny! This post is a classic, Kristen! And yep – I’m between Normal and Slacker. Luckily, I’ve raised children who appreciate that :) Worst Christmas gift I ever got was a junior witches kit. Opened it up, saw black candles and whoosh… it disappeared at the hands of my mother, never to be seen again!

  32. #32 by Jess Witkins on November 25, 2013 - 7:37 pm

    Being that this is the first holiday in 6 years where I’m no longer working in retail, I’m extremely happy…and also really behind now. I will NOT be black friday shopping, however, I will be sleeping in and staying in my pj’s in protest of the many years I slaved away with 3am, which jumped to 10:30pm thanksgiving, shifts. Can’t believe stores are opening up at 6 and 8pm on Thanksgiving. Sorry for the families who have to rush through their holiday or skip it altogether.

    Here’s hoping Spawn helps you prep for Thanksgiving! Wouldn’t want that email to get sent to Santa! ;)

  33. #33 by andreablythe on November 25, 2013 - 7:39 pm

    HILARIOUS POST! I love the time and energy you put into this. :)
    1-b
    2-c (though actually it’s somewhere between b&c)
    3-b, 4-b, 5-c
    6-N/A (I’m a great wrapper, but always wrap my gifts in newspaper with pretty ribbon, so I guess I’ll go with b)
    7-b, 8-so B
    9-N/A (no kids for me. Whee! but I’d like to image I’d be an a)
    10-C!!!, 11-b, 12-b

    Welp, I guess I’m a normal Nancy.

  34. #34 by tomwisk on November 25, 2013 - 8:57 pm

    Kristen, I discovered E-cards. An e-mail address and a few clicks voila! Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, my mom and aunts were full-blown Christmas decorators. The kids, just the dining room and a tree. Their kids a reservation at any motel that has a buffet open.

  35. #35 by donnajeanmcdunn on November 25, 2013 - 9:52 pm

    Please don’t hate me because I shop early!!

  36. #36 by Kyra on November 25, 2013 - 11:13 pm

    Kristen, you made me smile!

  37. #37 by Sue on November 25, 2013 - 11:45 pm

    Loved this!!! Made me laugh after a rather stressful day putting out fires at work. I am totally a mix of B and C. I did get one A though – number 12. I would so be the person wearing the ugly outfit in order to not hurt someone’s feelings. I can’t regift either – too much guilt – I just display/wear the item for a year, and then it disappears in the basement in a box, until my husband gets a wild hair and cleans everything out OR we move.

  38. #38 by Sinistra Inksteyne on November 26, 2013 - 12:01 am

    The worst gift I ever got was a jersey (sweater, Amerigos) and matching socks in a sort of… putrescent greeny mustard colour? words fail me.
    I fulfilled the Christmas tradition of Wearing It Anyway and as a result the photos show me as a remarkably unattractive fifty-something. I was sixteen…

  39. #39 by kristinamathews on November 26, 2013 - 12:02 am

    Is there an option D? Pretending that Christmas isn’t coming? Really, my kids have everything they could possibly need, except for socks and underwear, but who wants to unwrap those? Especially in that cheap dollar store wrapping paper.

  40. #40 by Tegon Maus (@TegonMaus) on November 26, 2013 - 1:16 am

    Very funny ! My wife always hands out presents in a gift bag with tissue on top. Our worse gift ?? A 15 pound river rock for a door stop with the words “I’m waiting !” painted on it.

  41. #41 by knotrune on November 26, 2013 - 6:14 am

    You missed the fourth category, Can’t be bothered Clarissa or Clive. No kids, so why take all the effort. I get gifts for those closest to me, put them in shiny bags so no wrapping. Cards we don’t do, we make a donation to charity instead. We prefer to focus on the true meaning, God’s gift of salvation, and avoid all the stressy commercial crap. I also get very upset by all the environmental issues though, I hate wrapping paper, especially the shiny can’t be recycled kind. I wish people would wrap my gifts in newspaper, or better, don’t wrap them at all. Or even better, just give me money! Or make a donation to charity on my behalf. I can buy my own crap thanks.

    My sister is Alice though… I can never match her so why even try :)

  42. #42 by Laurie A Will on November 26, 2013 - 10:41 am

    I always have the grandiose idea that this year, I will get everything done early, the house will be spotless and the holiday will be perfect and magical and the family get together will not be utter chaos. The idea always falls short, but I am determined to get as close as I can before I end up on the roof with the rum and rum balls. It’s driving me nuts though. Every year they put the Christmas stuff up earlier and it doesn’t make me buy more. It just makes me feel pressured. Last year it was the day after Halloween. This year when I was Halloween shopping a few weeks before Halloween I might add, I was looking at Christmas Trees and decorations! That’s insane. The seasons are rushed enough! Okay, now i have to go have a zen moment and remind myself there is still plenty of time to get things done!

  43. #43 by writerchick on November 26, 2013 - 12:55 pm

    Worst gift I ever got was a turquoise, fake-fur trimmed hat. I looked like a fashion-challenged Cossack . In fact, when I saw it I laughed hysterically believing it was a gag gift. When I looked at the gleam in my friend’s eyes I realized it wasn’t a gag gift and she thought it was the perfect gift for me. But some lucky thrift shop shopper probably has it now.
    Annie

  44. #44 by Laurelyn on November 26, 2013 - 1:11 pm

    First, I love the battle-ax. (I’d like one for Christmas.)

    The list is great, and I am also a mix of normal and slacker. I always plan to better, but life just gets in the way.

  45. #45 by Christine Hendler on November 26, 2013 - 9:37 pm

    Reblogged this on Christine Hendler's Blog and commented:
    I read this while getting a mani/pedi and started laughing so hard, the whole shop looked at me, slightly distressed😁! I just loved how true, human and funny this
    was😄! I was all prepared to blog my own pre-Christmas thoughts…but this wonderful blog HAD to come first😊🎄

  46. #46 by Miss Murphtang on November 27, 2013 - 3:49 am

    Ahahahaha I love this. I don’t have kids, but if I did, I would be a massive train wreck. I don’t think my boyfriend can organise more than me. Apparently it’s already like herding cats (I’m a *****free spirit***** lmao XD)

    Xmas shopping I accomplish with the power of eBay. Screw going into sweaty malls and being around people, just wait a bit for the post to arrive. Did my Christmas shop in one night *boom*

  47. #47 by tracikenworth on November 27, 2013 - 7:00 am

    You are too funny, Kristen!! LOVED this!!

  48. #48 by stephwest on November 28, 2013 - 8:25 am

    I do a white (trash? ) Christmas tree. Not traditional but I love it. :-)

  49. #49 by Raani York on December 2, 2013 - 7:36 am

    I enjoyed reading this so much, Kristen. It’s amazing and funny! Thanks so much for making me laugh!! :-)

  50. #50 by Susan M Semadeni on December 5, 2013 - 10:14 pm

    Hmm… not sure of the worst gift I’ve ever received, but the most awkward had to be the “Learn to Belly Dance” kit from my mother-in-law. I still haven’t used it. *L* And on the flip side, I think the worst I ever gave anyone was for my apartment-dwelling, non-tree-setting-up, bird-loving aunt: an ornament decorated with (what I assumed were artificial) owl feathers. Ehh… oops? *L*

  51. #51 by Liana on December 22, 2013 - 7:58 pm

    Hahahhaah Goth Christmas. Love it! Apparently my ‘style’ is a trip to the hospital every Xmas lol- http://withluck.wordpress.com/2013/12/20/merry-tonsillectomy/

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