Santa Claus Recruited to Improve NSA’s Public Image & Head Intelligence Operations

Image via Flikr Creative Commons courtesy of Kevin Dooley

Image via Flikr Creative Commons courtesy of Kevin Dooley

Lately, Brave New World has become one of the hottest selling novels, and many of us have become even more suspicious of that white panel van that passes our homes daily. Sure it has ice-cream and plays tinkly music, but that cover is so thin Stevie Wonder could see right through it.

After the whole Edward Snowden whistle-blowing debacle earlier this year, the Obama Administration and the Intelligence community have been up to their ears in hot water and bad press. Spying on regular citizens with no cause or warrant? Invading privacy and throwing the 4th Amendment out the window? Reading our e-mails? Monitoring our Internet? Those activities are just the sort that create an image problem.

Thus, sources tell me (sources being the voices in my head) that, in order to get back in the good graces of the American public, the current administration has decided to appoint Santa to head up any future intelligence operations. Come on, Santa IS the perfect fit.

Santa Knows Everyone and Everything

He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake…

Revised for the Intelligence community:

He knows what you’ve been surfing. He knows the shows you hate. He knows if you vote red or blue, so be good if you know what’s good for you…

Alright, maybe a little clunky, but still a clear warning for all of us to behave. Santa can spot all kinds of terrorist activities like 1) putting the roll of toilet paper with the paper feeding under not over, 2) paying retail 3) wearing white shoes after Labor Day 4) listening to too much any Justin Bieber and 5) possessing lukewarm appreciation for the sheer AWESOMENESS of Grumpy Cat and more…

Screen Shot 2013-06-25 at 7.52.32 AM

All I’m saying is why didn’t they recruit this guy earlier? How much time and money could we have saved locating Osama bin Laden? One would think that being omniscient is an automatic YES! for being hired to the NSA. Um, duh?

He Travels Beyond Light Speed

This guy travels the world faster than Google. Think of how much more efficient spying would be if we could do it as fast as Santa. Santa can hop down a few hundred million chimneys, eat cookies, take time to nicely stack presents with an appreciation for presentation and then LEAVE with no proof he’s been there other than missing cookies and that new iPad we asked for beautifully wrapped and left under our Christmas trees.

Which brings me to my next point…

He’s Untraceable 

People have been searching for this guy for CENTURIES yet he still leaves no evidence…even after the invention of DNA profiling. IN, OUT, GONE. Perfect recruit for the Intelligence world. He’s never even been located on radar. Maybe Santa could instruct our government how he makes the sleigh the perfect stealth aircraft. Maybe we’ve been underestimating “Reindeer Technology.” We could TOTALLY use that kind of help.

Image via Flikr Commons courtesy of Mark Dumont...

Image via Flickr Commons courtesy of Mark Dumont…

Who knew these things were so FAST? Why aren’t physicists in Cern running THESE guys through the Hadron Collider?

Enemies Would Underestimate Him

Santa shows up, and all the bad guy is thinking is one of two things:

1) Why is some guy from the mall dressed as Santa at my house?

2) OMG! It’s TOTALLY freaking SANTA!

Nobody expects to be capped by SANTA. No one pulls out a weapon or thinks of self defense when faced with this cherub-faced man known for his superlative gift-giving skills. Santa could double-tap any ruthless dictator before they could ask, “Hey, did you bring me that nuclear device I asked for in my letter?”

Santa Has More Doubles than Castro

Even when the bad guys (known as the American public) catch on that Santa is in charge of the NSA, what can we do about it? He has doubles EVERYWHERE and thing is?

…..We never know which one is real.

This man is the perfect spy.

Uparalleled Work Ethic

Santa delivers billions of gifts and is paid in MILK AND COOKIES. This guy not only works cheap, but he’s FAST, so he could work for ALL our security agencies—NSA, CIA, FBI, ICE, and Facebook.

…and *spoiler alert*

He Isn’t REAL

This is really key because I’m pretty sure that imaginary creatures can’t violate the Constitution. Also, since he’s apparently immortal, the taxpayers wouldn’t have to pay for dental, health care or retirement planning. This dude works FOREVER and he’s got roughly 363 days of the year free, since everyone knows that his elves do all the shopping, building and wrapping.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

The government could keep spying on regular citizens because we just accept that Santa’s been doing it for centuries and we never griped before. He’s not only been reading our mail, but our THOUGHTS.

I mean right now, we’re looking at our government through Huxley-an glasses. What better way to improve their public image than have SANTA as the face of Intelligence?

HE GIVES GIFTS!!!

At least we’d have a trade-off for losing our Constitutional right to privacy. PRESENTS!

The Administration needs to recruit Santa NOW before someone else does.

What are your thoughts? How else does Santa make the perfect choice for spying on the entire world? Who might be a better choice? And, if Santa DOES spy on us, shouldn’t we get presents more often than just ONCE a year? Maybe people like me who left their Christmas trees up until MEMORIAL DAY aren’t just lazy white trash? MAYBE we were onto something. MAYBE it was really just to appease the guy spying on us. Bet you feel super silly now taking your trees down before MARCH.

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of November, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novelor your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

Also, for all your author brand and social media needs, I hope you will check out my new best-selling book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World.

Make sure you check out all the awesome WANA International Classes. You take care of your family, why not yourself? Sneak away. We won’t tell. And Dollar Store Bags make AWESOME wrapping and they will all get better gifts once your book is a best-seller, right?

Yes, I am an enabler. But we are more fun :D.

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  1. #1 by Julie Affleck on November 26, 2013 - 6:39 am

    I’m pretty new to your blog and really loving it! And Santa – yeah, everyone trusts Santa. Seeing him makes us warm and happy. And we tell him what we want! Love it!

  2. #2 by Joanna Aislinn on November 26, 2013 - 6:50 am

    Leave it to you, Kristen. And all the above while the guy is busy ushering in the holiday season, too! A very blessed and happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

  3. #3 by Tom Threadgill on November 26, 2013 - 7:34 am

    Great way to start my morning! Hard to pick my favorite line, but throwing Facebook in with the other “intelligence” organization was priceless!

  4. #4 by ontyrepassages on November 26, 2013 - 7:48 am

    Well, if you’re looking for someone with a criminal background then Santa is your guy. The wrap sheet is long, though. Home invasions. Spying. Customs violations. Slave elf labor. Animal abuse one night each year. Bribery. Unreported income. Flying without a license.

  5. #5 by caroline on November 26, 2013 - 7:51 am

    Simply: You are absolutely hilarious. This is perfect.

  6. #6 by Marilyn Hudson Tucker on November 26, 2013 - 8:08 am

    Loved the article.

    May I put a link to my last year’s post “Why I Hate Santa Claus”? I don’t want to do it without your permission.

  7. #8 by sueslaght on November 26, 2013 - 8:31 am

    Kristen a hilarious post! Yes notify your government immediately about hiring Santa. How amount sending them a link to your blog? :)

  8. #9 by Jan Rider Newman on November 26, 2013 - 8:45 am

    And think of Santa’s cohorts and connections: the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny. Talk about taking the spy game to a whole new level. Thanks for the grin, Kristen!

    • #10 by Ensis on November 26, 2013 - 9:22 am

      Now if they can recruit Kwanzaa-Bot and the Chanukah Zombie, things’ll really be cooking!

  9. #11 by Cygnet Brown on November 26, 2013 - 8:53 am

    OMG, What can I say? You’re brilliant! Kristen Lamb for President!

  10. #12 by matt20hew on November 26, 2013 - 9:36 am

    Reblogged this on Today's News.

  11. #13 by cloverautrey on November 26, 2013 - 10:32 am

    Um, Kristen honey, have you been dipping into the eggnog a little early?

  12. #14 by Damian Trasler on November 26, 2013 - 10:49 am

    I would have thought Santa’s number would have been “0 0 0″
    (Just realised I’m pronouncing this in my head as “Oh Oh Oh!” and everyone is reading it as “Zero zero zero”) Going for more coffee….

  13. #15 by Diana Beebe on November 26, 2013 - 11:21 am

    Pure genius!

  14. #16 by Michele Drier on November 26, 2013 - 11:48 am

    Ah, Santa! Of course. Plus, he encourages kids of all ages to sit on his lap and tell him what they wish for.
    Hmmm, sexual assault training?

  15. #17 by Marilyn Hudson Tucker on November 26, 2013 - 1:45 pm

    Thanks, Kristen. Here’s my blog post “Why I Hate Santa Claus.”

    http://marilynhudsontucker.com/2012/12/04/why-i-hate-santa-claus/

  16. #18 by saralitchfield on November 26, 2013 - 1:46 pm

    er, sorry, there’s just one thing up there that I….. Santa *isn’t real*!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! Please retract.

  17. #19 by Laurie A Will on November 26, 2013 - 2:14 pm

    Santa is the perfect choice. I am not even sure he needs to spy on everyone. After all he has the naughty and nice list. He could split the naughty list into two groups, the likely terrorists and the just plain naughty.

  18. #20 by tomwisk on November 26, 2013 - 3:40 pm

    Hi Kristen, I recognize the guy in the picture. He’s been showing up at malls and annoying people. He talks to kids and raises their expectations, kinda like the guys in Washington. He’d do a good job. But the mall gig would pretty much fade away.

  19. #21 by Marialena on November 26, 2013 - 5:35 pm

    Yup, untraceable and faster than the speed of light!. The government’s spying dream come true. Hilarious!

  20. #22 by Sinistra Inksteyne on November 26, 2013 - 11:49 pm

    Although as Kiwi comedian Raybon Kan has pointed out, Santa himself is pretty much a PR nightmare: why do people tell their children this man they’ve never met has been watching them all year, and will be soon be getting into their house (or even bedroom if there’s stockings at the foot of the bed) while they’re asleep?
    Not to mention the whole sit-on-his-knee thing. You don’t know him and he’s clearly in a disguise – warning signs all over!
    Just as well my parents never told me Santa was real – I would have been awake all night. Armed and waiting…

  21. #23 by knotrune on November 27, 2013 - 5:41 am

    Now I’m imagining a future dystopia where everyone is afraid of Santa and lurks behind tinsel to try and hide from him :( Freedom fighters could only work on Christmas Eve because he’s busy then, but they’d plot every year under the pretence of it being a party. Then in the climax, Santapocalypse!

  22. #26 by Julie Glover on November 27, 2013 - 9:08 am

    This sounds great! Let Britain have James Bond, we’ve got Kris Kringle!

  23. #27 by Daphne Shadows on November 28, 2013 - 3:25 am

    Pure. Awesome.

  24. #28 by Gry Ranfelt on November 28, 2013 - 2:50 pm

    You’re too hilarious, damn it.
    I never thought of how Santa is sort of like the leader of a police state. Nice.

  25. #29 by Katie Cross on November 29, 2013 - 12:23 pm

    It’s creepy in such a funny way!

  26. #30 by On The Air TV on November 30, 2013 - 6:10 am

    Reblogged this on On The Air TV.

  27. #31 by Kate on December 1, 2013 - 1:22 pm

    Reblogged this on Some of my favourite posts and commented:
    Hilarious

  28. #32 by Raani York on December 2, 2013 - 7:38 am

    Hmmmm…. I’m trying to find a word that describes perfectly how I feel about this… Oh – how about “Christmas-creepy”? LOL
    It’s a great post and it made me smile. Thank you Kristen!

  29. #33 by ravenclark on December 3, 2013 - 9:58 am

    As soon as you said no one expects to be capped by Santa, my mind went to a VERY scary place. I suddenly pictured how perfect a serial killer Santa would make. I saw Santa going all Jon Wayne Gacy.*Shudder.” I think it’s the whole clown, costume, meant for children, thing. Brilliant post, as always, and now that I’ve completely RUINED the humor in it for anyone who reads this, I’ll just be going now…LOL.

  30. #34 by Michelle Morrison on December 5, 2013 - 9:24 pm

    This is too funny. :-)

  31. #35 by Michelle Morrison on December 5, 2013 - 9:24 pm

    Reblogged this on mchllmdm and commented:
    This is hilarious.

  1. Santa | shivamd's Blog
  2. Santa Claus Recruited to Improve NSA’s Public Image & Head Intelligence Operations | I am an Author, I Must Auth

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