The Pants of Shame are rumored to have been forged in the black bowels of Hell, created by the most unholy of unions–the Knitting Needles of the Damned and the Yarn of Infernal Intent. No one truly know the origin of the POS, we just know their powers can be used for great good or great evil. Currently, a religious sect of highly caffeinated writers known as the Cult of #MyWANA are in possession of The Pants, harnessing their powers to help writers focus on their WIP lest they be forced to gaze upon the Pants, which have been known to cause temporary blindness and permanent insanity.
The Pants of Shame, much like the Arc of the Convenant, have no known location, but can be randomly spotted on Twitter at #thepantsofshame, guarded by the cult of #MyWANA’s high priests and priestesses. #MyWANA is a place for the truly faithful, those devoted to a life of penance, meditation and suffering (code for writing). It is only the power of their devotion to the written word that holds the dark powers of the POS in check. The Pants are a gift not to be taken lightly.
May the Pants be with you.
The origin of the pants is shrouded in mystery, so if you have any knowledge of the pants or the true story of their birth, please share below. Random rumors, blatant lies and unfounded conjecture also welcome.
#1 by Wulfie on May 12, 2011 - 7:32 pm
My Eyes! My Eyes! *runs screaming*
#2 by briantronk on May 12, 2011 - 7:34 pm
That is still, just… Wow… I don’t know wears those, but I assume it’s one of the Four Horsemen.
#3 by Scott on May 12, 2011 - 7:38 pm
I heard that Joan of Arc spat in the face of some corrupt priest and so he made the POS from a desing inspired by hell. He made her wear the pants all through France before burning her…she had to give back the pants before they lit her on fire though.
#4 by Author Kristen Lamb on May 12, 2011 - 7:39 pm
Oooooh, good one. But since the Pants were a product of Hell and the Devil, one would naturally think they would be flame-retardant at least.
#5 by Scott on May 12, 2011 - 7:56 pm
Yeah, you’d think. But since they were woven by men with evil designs-to reign over others with fear-the pants were wrought if mortal materials. But no mortal could reach the level of evil to conceive the idea, the design so diabolical powers placed the design into the minds of these bastards. I heard that one if them, when the pants were completed, went insane and gouged his eyes out with the needle. Awful stuff.
#6 by Author Kristen Lamb on May 12, 2011 - 8:03 pm
That explains some of the blood stains. Thanks for sharing.
#7 by Scott on May 12, 2011 - 8:09 pm
Haha..glad to help.
#8 by Gloria Oliver on May 12, 2011 - 7:39 pm
Oh, my eyes! My EYES!
Has it been tested whether the pants have a higher or lesser instance of insanity than say seeing the Gods od Cthulhu? Could be important if we have to pick one over the other.
Just saying…
Also, will the pants cancel out the power of Chuck Wendig’s Beard? As that is one fearsome set of chin hairs.
I did hear that it was someone with the pants who indavertetnly gave birth to the Chupacabra by the way. *shiver*
#9 by Bill Evans on May 12, 2011 - 7:47 pm
So trivial in its nature but so tragic in its consequences!
#10 by Irene Vernardis on May 12, 2011 - 7:54 pm
Do they come in other colors too?
#11 by debreilly on March 10, 2012 - 9:04 pm
You’re thinking black for formal occasions? Personally, I love these.. the daring, wedgie-like beige stripe, the sassy yellow pocket…and wow, the belt loops!
#12 by Shedrick on May 12, 2011 - 7:54 pm
Now, if you could Wil Wheaton to pose with the Pants of Shame while wearing his knitted clown sweater…the internets would suck in on themselves and create a portal into the Netherhells…
#13 by PaigeK on May 12, 2011 - 8:13 pm
I guess it’s good someone finished the Simplicity pattern I quit working on in fifth grade….
#14 by Scott M. on May 12, 2011 - 8:16 pm
So, THAT’s what happened to my old blankie!
#15 by Wayne Borean on May 12, 2011 - 8:45 pm
Gack. Those are truly awful.
Wayne
#16 by Tiffany A White on May 13, 2011 - 5:59 pm
Those are so hot!
#17 by Derek on May 13, 2011 - 6:50 pm
Obscure POS facts: The Pants Of Shame can now be attributed to causing the Great Chicago Fire.
In the final days of WWII, Hitler wore the Pants Of Shame around his secret bunker. After the war, the POS disappeared into Soviet Russia for number of years.
#18 by Just Deb on May 13, 2011 - 7:58 pm
Oh my landsakes!! Yeah, I couldn’t look away, lol.
#19 by Susan S on May 13, 2011 - 9:27 pm
I’m with Brian – “And behold, I saw a rider in pale pants, and his name was Shame, and chafing followed after him.”
It’s an alternate translation…the little-known fifth rider of the apocalypse.
#20 by Laura Drake on May 14, 2011 - 10:50 am
I heard about these! The proverbial hair shirt was unraveled, and fallen nuns were forced to knit them for penance. That way, the wearer suffers as much as those casting thier eyes upon them.
My husband would wear those with black socks and his dispicable yard-mowing shoes…
#21 by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson on May 16, 2011 - 12:31 pm
Actually, I think I could pull those off. Wait. That’s what he said.
#22 by Sonia G Medeiros on May 17, 2011 - 1:07 am
Oh man! You guys have me rolling! And yes, I fear the POS.
May the Pants be with you.
#23 by Steve on May 17, 2011 - 8:56 am
To him who donneth the Pants of Shame shall be granted the power of the smite of blindness; yea, verily, he who looketh upon the Pants shall surely spill his cookies, yea even unto the sidewalk.
#24 by Liz Jakes on May 20, 2011 - 10:31 pm
Ah, so that’s where those got to! I gave them to Uncle Harry in 1973. He said someone stole them. I never quite believed him, but I guess it’s true. You have to see the front, it’s even more awesome. There’s no zipper or anything, you just sorta tuck. It’s a little challenging when you sit down. Pretty fetching tho, right? 100% cotton too.
#25 by Donnell Bell on May 26, 2011 - 11:25 pm
I can’t believe someone actually took time from writing to knit those LOL. Now that’s ingenius procrastination. Truly, truly ugly, and something not to wish upon anyone else. Get thee thy manuscript finished!
#26 by Mary Ricksen on May 26, 2011 - 11:42 pm
I’m kinda nauseous right now gotta go…
#27 by Laura Morrigan on May 27, 2011 - 3:03 am
“One Pair to shame them all and in the darkness bind them!”
Actually, if you don the POS– they will grant you invisibility. No, really.
I swear!
#28 by Deb Stover on May 27, 2011 - 11:51 am
Help me, Pants of Shame. You’re my only hope.
#29 by educlaytion on May 28, 2011 - 12:06 am
Good Lord, how did I miss this? From the bowels of hell straight to my heart. Hines Ward should have danced in those for the finals.
#30 by Lynn kelley on May 31, 2011 - 1:37 am
Hysterical. Made me LOL!
#31 by Michelle Muto on June 7, 2011 - 4:02 pm
I saw someone in Wal-Mart wearing them just last week.
#32 by Holly KSS on June 10, 2011 - 7:39 pm
Someone is going to dig those up in the next century and think that we are a totally messed-up society. And then they will embrace it as some sort of anti-establishment fashion statement and there will be a run on acrylic yarn. As I am planning on living a long time I better stock up now…
#33 by D'Alta on June 15, 2011 - 11:01 pm
You know, I think I could crochet these, if anyone really wants a pair!
#34 by Carradee on June 20, 2011 - 12:33 pm
…Um, those look like they’re crochet, not knit.
Hm. That gives me an idea.
#35 by Lexus on June 21, 2011 - 6:08 pm
Yes, those POS are crocheted. Now the question: wool or acrylic?
PS There’s a blog on wordpress called What Not to Crochet. They really need to see this
#36 by amyshojai on June 21, 2011 - 11:24 pm
The POS is the evil twin of fruitcake…there is only one and like Bad Santa, can be everywhere at once, dance a mean rhumba, leap tall buildings at a single flounce…wait, that’s Richard Simmons.
The POS arrives with little fanfare when boys and girls deserve coal in their (ahem) stocking and awaken to find themselves draped. So to speak. The POS, (aka “butt floss”) provokes twitch-ass-et syndrome (“I’ll give you a reason to get twitchy!) and afflicts writers who fail to follow the button rule:
Put your butt ON the chair and write!
POS was created by ne’er-do-well illiterates at a book-burning-blitz, when the words bit back.
#37 by Dorryce Smelts on February 14, 2012 - 5:12 pm
Not wool, not acrylic…they’re Phentex!!! Phentex was seen in the vicinity of Three Mile Island before the meltdown, at Chernobyl, also before the meltdown,and is implicated in the Tokyo tsunami (pre nuclear meltdown). Rumour has it Phentex was spawned by the Hindenburg disaster, also an epic meltdown.
Although these shorts look like they’re crocheted out of grilled cheese sandwiches…
#38 by Derek on June 21, 2011 - 11:29 pm
more than 5 weeks and the POS are STILL garnering comments. Such is the power and peril of defying the Pants Of Shame.
#39 by Lesann on June 23, 2011 - 3:27 am
I come here and look at this photo every time the I-don’t-feel-like-writing malaise kicks in. The visual is stimulation enough. Works every time. Bee-yoo-tee-full.
#40 by Darlene Steelman on June 24, 2011 - 8:27 pm
wow. that is …. bad! Are they crocheted??? Irene and Scott – thank you for cracking me up!
#41 by karina russell on July 15, 2011 - 7:00 pm
Quick! A barf bag!
#42 by James Rollins on July 21, 2011 - 3:06 pm
HA HA I have a pair myself
LOL.
Jim Rollins
#43 by martha brady on July 27, 2011 - 9:35 pm
just read the pants of shame post:) too funny. long day of writing. nice laugh break:)
#44 by lanceschaubert on July 29, 2011 - 9:52 pm
those. are. the. worst. pants. ever.
#45 by Author Kristen Lamb on July 29, 2011 - 10:09 pm
Which is why they are so powerful.
#46 by Beth Hull on July 31, 2011 - 6:39 am
There’s a place in France, where they wear some shameful pants… Sorry. That’s what went through my head when I read Scott’s Joan of Arc theory above.
The pants are telling me to get back to work. Thanks, Pants.
#47 by Rebecca T Little (@RebeccaTLittle) on August 25, 2011 - 12:24 pm
It’s a very, very good thing that we are only seeing those from the back. I shudder to think what the front might look like – though the first mental image somewhat resembled a Red Hot Chili Peppers album cover. I did hear a rumor that the Pants of Shame were crocheted from yarn that was recovered after the Blanket of Undying Wretchedness had a hole worn in it.
#48 by V.R. Leavitt on August 26, 2011 - 1:30 pm
Please pass the eye bleach!!!
#49 by Liz Fielding (@lizfielding) on September 25, 2011 - 7:36 am
Oh, good grief!
#50 by Laura Russell on October 14, 2011 - 10:30 pm
The power of the pants continues– I am laughing to hard to type more. Live on POS!
#51 by Courtney on October 21, 2011 - 9:36 am
Oh. My. Lanta. Words fail me~ for once.
#52 by lwsapir on December 6, 2011 - 7:05 pm
I like to re-visit this page periodically to reassure myself that the pants really do exist.
#53 by kathryn magendie on December 9, 2011 - 7:49 am
omg *LAUGHING!*
#54 by tomwisk on January 9, 2012 - 2:00 pm
Somebody’s gramma was kidnapped, made to watch the Kardashians on TV, forced to drink cosmos, bindfolded and forced to chochet the hair of her beloved cat Muffy.
#55 by Rachel Peterson on January 23, 2012 - 5:24 pm
First reaction to that pants of shame photo –HA! That unstoppable, gut-concaving sound of unbelievability. Good giggle! Thanks for that, and thanks, Kristen, for starting #MyWANA.
#56 by Patrice Fitzgerald on February 6, 2012 - 8:57 pm
Aha! I know these pants.
These are an excellent example of the traditional CrotchitHozen worn by natives of Upper Skwoze-Knutz. Saffron and buff are the colors of the Skwoze-Knutzian flag — and also, incidentally, the names of the current royal heirs, Princess Saffron and Prince Buff — and are thus the favored hues for said pants.
Queen Hortenzia the 22nd, who ruled from 1639-1707, decreed that a special garment should be designed for the men of the nation. She thought it highly appropriate that the men have something equally as celebrated as the famed Pfitzentitzen corsets worn by the ladies of the court.
It is rumored that Her Highness was quite miffed with her Prince Concert, Eldridge, at the time the original CrotchitHozen were created. For alas, he donned them but once before losing them in a terrible boating accident. He was never the same.
#57 by Patrice Fitzgerald on February 6, 2012 - 9:03 pm
* Prince Concert Eldridge was listening to Water Music at the time.
#58 by Author Kristen Lamb on February 6, 2012 - 9:14 pm
LMAO. Love it! Dutifully canonized in the Lore of the Pants.
#59 by Marian Pearson Stevens on February 16, 2012 - 7:31 pm
Hides eyes . . . Blinded by worst pants ever!
#60 by John Doe on February 18, 2012 - 12:04 pm
dear god help us all!
#61 by Linda M Au on February 29, 2012 - 5:30 pm
I am glad that whoever crocheted this atrocity stopped in time to make them the Shorts of Shame instead of a full-orbed pair of pants.
Still, as if it weren’t going to be clear enough that these belong in one of the deepest circles of Dante’s hell, the horrific color scheme seals their fate.
No, even Dante would run shrieking from the room. And yet, I bet there’s a pattern for them somewhere on Ravelry.com…. No, I’m not going to go look. You first.
#62 by Faith Bodgan on February 29, 2012 - 7:26 pm
My small daughter took one look and said, with all sincerity, “Ooh! I want some like those!”
#63 by Bruce Obee on March 6, 2012 - 1:33 am
Needless to say, I was shocked to discover that the dreaded Pants of Shame, stitched from the colourful fleece of the rare Vancouver Island #MyWANARAM (Mywanimus ramit canadensis), have surfaced from obscurity more than 1,500 miles away in Texas. The once-domestic species has gone feral, and survives only in a few isolated pockets of West Coast rainforest. The enormity of this wooly ungulate, as illustrated here by the diminutive shepherd, is its prime defence against the ravages or our Island’s voracious wolves, cougars, and bears. However, I must question the authenticity of The Pants, as they are traditionally knitted to encompass all colours of the #MyWANARAM. Perhaps the red beard and purple legs appear on the front of The Pants? http://bruceobee.com http://t.co/6j5fjAly
#64 by Author Kristen Lamb on March 6, 2012 - 8:28 am
LOVE it! Who knew?
#65 by mahervolous on March 9, 2012 - 4:52 pm
Everything everyone has said so far is true. I know the future. Humanity will be wiped out by the Pants of Shame just after the dinosaurs show up again, and in 35 million years alien life will finally visit Earth. All that will be left to show for human existence is a can of Coke, a half-eaten Big Mac, and the Pants of Shame.
#66 by Miss Keene on March 16, 2012 - 9:27 pm
I found it impossible not to click on POS tab though I knew I was being manipulated into said act. Well done!
Thanks for a good giggle, and two.
#67 by kassandralamb on March 26, 2012 - 3:42 pm
I have been procrastinating for hours now but discovering the Pants of Shame tab has made a day of wasted time totally worth it. I recognize that crochet stitch, and I’m pretty sure my mother made them (may she rest in peace).
#68 by Sarah Negovetich on April 13, 2012 - 2:57 pm
Ah…so that’s what happened to Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.
#69 by Dienna on April 19, 2012 - 10:55 pm
All I could say to that was “ew!”.
#70 by Ms. Teacher on April 20, 2012 - 1:02 am
This made my night. Thank you. #LiveLoveLearn
#71 by velislava777 on April 27, 2012 - 2:00 pm
A ‘chastity belt’ for men?
#72 by Rose Ortiz on April 29, 2012 - 10:40 am
I’m pretty sure I saw a pair just like those on the golf course…or I could have been hallucinating!
#73 by largeself on May 12, 2012 - 2:43 pm
All I can say is: “Holy Pants. Batman!”