Nothing Says “I’ll Love You Forever” Like a Dead-Mother-In-Law Diamond

momring

Original image via Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of Stephen Durham

Things have been C-R-A-Z-Y lately with WANACon coming up (COOL OFFER AT THE END OF POST), Toddler-Stomach-Bug-of-Satan and just all the work that’s involved in global domination with little more at my disposal than duct tape, glitter and stolen swizzle sticks.

When I get tired, I get weird…okay weird-ER. Need to lighten things up. And nothing lightens the mood like death😀.

My family is pretty strange when it comes to the subject of “death.” And not like anyone is, per se, “normal” about death, but my family takes weird clean OFF “The Munster Family Scale” and lands us somewhere into the domain of a cross between Rob Zombie and Monty Python.

“The Zombie-Python Scale”?

Likely, this laissez faire attitude stems from a number of primary causes (beyond the obvious answer “mental illness”). One? Occupational. Mom was a nurse and came from a medical/military family. Dad? All soldiers and farmers.

Yeah, talk about gallows humor.

The second factor? Genetic. I come from Vikings, and science has proven (okay “proven”) there is a genome embedded in our DNA that demands that, upon expiration, our bodies must be placed on a wooden ship in the middle of an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet, then piled in gold, pushed out on the water and set on fire.

Fire, fire, heh heh. Heh heh. Fire.

Heh.

Sadly, I have yet to find a local government official who will grant me a permit to be set afloat in my cousin Randy’s bass boat into Benbrook Lake then shot with leftover fireworks. Just kidding. Not about the permit, but the leftover fireworks part.

We’re TEXANS and there NO SUCH THING as “leftover fireworks.”

Anyway, when I was in the fifth grade, my teacher died, which really sucked, not just because my teacher died, but that it was the WRONG teacher. MY teacher, Mrs. Emmet, was awesome. The Demonic Embodiment of Science Education I had to spend an hour a day with, however, DID NOT die. I think it was because she was feasting slowly on the souls of fifth-grade children…

…and the guinea pigs near her desk that kept dying under strange circumstances (which were never fully investigated).

No, Demon Teacher lived, and is probably still alive today because she likely possesses a painting that ages in her stead. AWESOME Teacher is the one who had the heart attack (and DEMON Teacher looked strangely younger the next day).

But I digress…

The school, being confused and benevolent, brought in a grief counselor. Though, looking back, I think the grief counselor was the same dude wielding a leaf-blower earlier that school year. Grief Counselor told us to go home and discuss the subject of death with our parents then write a paper.

Great idea.

THANKS. Thank you for scarring me even further for LIFE.

So, I go home and ask my mom how she wants us to handle her passing on. Her answer? Taxidermy. She wanted to be made into something useful, like a lamp. She was even gracious enough to allow my brother and I to share her. I could take Creepy-Mom-Lamp for six months and brother could have her the other six months.

Yeah, right on that, Mom.

My Dad? He wanted to be cremated then his ashes strapped to a rocket and spread in space, an idea which everyone thought was sheer lunacy until Gene Roddenberry made it “cool.”

And I imagine the only reason CPS wasn’t called when I turned in my paper was because it WAS the 1980s. This was back in a time when it was permissible to banish your kids who wouldn’t stop running through KMart to go sit in a 110-degree station wagon and fight over a single Slurp-ee.

Fast-forward to 1999 and my father passes away. Since NASA and I weren’t exactly close and their security people already knew what I looked like, the rocket idea was out of the question. This meant Dad’s ashes went on a high shelf in my closet until I could make another plan. Then one day, years later, I’m all cleaning out my closet.

WTH is that blue box? I don’t remember putting that….*reaches and box falls*

OH HOLY HELL!

Yes, it was my father. In…my…shoes.

You CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP, PEOPLE!

I had to vacuum up my father, and he’s now laid to rest with cremated flip-slops, cat fur, dust bunnies one of my favorite earrings, and I hope that makes him happy after being a smart@$$ about that “being blown up in space” crap.

And it is now 2013 and Mom is still intent on the whole “taxidermy” idea, though I’ve informed her that I’m going to have her stuffed in the squatting position so she can water my front garden. Strangely, that threat hasn’t bothered her enough to deviate from Taxidermy Funeral Course.

I’m happy I’ve broken the Cycle of Weird, though. My husband is Clean-Cut-Boy-Scout-Air-Force-Military and he wants to be buried in a graveyard with a tombstone where we can go talk to him and bring flowers and chocolate offerings like NORMAL PEOPLE.

Me? I want to be cremated and made into a diamond so my son has a ready-made engagement ring for his beloved. How could a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be ANY closer? THAT is family (and being frugal—Hey, “waste not, want, not”). It’s also a great excuse to gain some extra weight. A skinny dead mother-in-law is good for little more than a tacky nose ring, which might impress some young Waffle House waitress from the trailer park, but not a gal suitable for MY boy.

But a mom-in-law with some MEAT? I might make a nice 2 carat solitaire. Not large enough to catch a Kardashian gold-digger, but big enough to impress a young lady with more than a G.E.D.

So, yes, I want to be made into a diamond (princess cut, of course), but NOT before my consciousness is uploaded into a microchip and implanted in Hubby’s head…so I can keep annoying him for eternity.

You know, *rolls eyes* NORMAL😀.

Okay, yes maybe I’ve gone off the reservation with this post (not the first or last time), but the whole “made into a gemstone” idea seems better than taking up space in a grave…that is later claimed by imminent domain and then the city builds something super-depressing over you like a Baby Gap.

***This is why all Baby Gaps are haunted, btw. It’s “science.” Don’t argue***

Then there is the made into a tree thing, which is a close second choice, but in Texas? With OUR weather? That’s just DELAYED CREMATION.

What are your thoughts? Well, maybe you don’t want to share those, unless you have some cooler ideas. Not “cooler” ideas, though cryogenics holds promise *rubs chin contemplatively*.

And I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of September, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novelor your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

COOL ANNOUNCEMENT #1:

First, I am offering an opportunity for you to get a FREE WANACon. We have 26 presentations with some of the best of the best, but we need a little help. We need volunteers (specifically for Friday) to help us shepherd speakers. We teach you how to use our virtual classroom. It’s so easy, I can do it.

All you have to do is make sure your assigned presenters log-in, introduce them, enjoy the session, keep the party to a low roar, then kick everyone out so we can reset the recording and the digital room. This is a first-come-first-serve offer and you must shepherd a minimum of two presenters to get the conference.

And yes, you get access to the recordings.

The reason I am doing this is that if we have happy presenters, we get MORE presenters and HIGH-QUALITY presenters and can keep the costs low. Please e-mail Jami Gold at jami at wana intl dot com if you want to volunteer.

COOL ANNOUNCEMENT #2:

For those still unsure how a virtual conference runs, we’re holding some free digital Open House Parties.

September 19th at 8-10PM Eastern Standard Time (AU/NZ compatible)

September 26th at 11AM-1PM  Eastern Standard Time (Europe compatible)

Go to the WANA International Open House Page.

On the right sidebar select “Conference Hall A”

Enter your name & password: “openhouse”

HAVE FUN!

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  1. #1 by Shea Ford on September 19, 2013 - 7:19 am

    Oh, Kristen! You made my morning! Hahaha! The diamond idea is much better than what I was going for. I’d made my own wedding dress in the hopes that I would one day have a daughter who is as nostalgic as I am and would want to wear it too. Well scratch that so far since I only have boys. Guess I have to hope for a daughter-in-law who I can get really chummy with. If that creeps out one or both of my boys,…BONUS!

  2. #2 by Gloria Richard Author on September 19, 2013 - 7:28 am

    Your I-was-looking-for-a-topic-when-this-hit-me posts slay me.

    ERK! If you spent months planning this, and days crafting and editing, I was sleep writing not yet caffeinated when I wrote that first sentence.

    And, you made me waste a mouthful of coffee with your plan to have your mom preserved in a squat position so she could water your flower beds for all eternity.

    You gave me an idea. I have them. I happens.

    I want to have my leg preserved as a lamp like the Frah-geeee-leeeee prize in The Christmas Story. The rest of me? Sprinkled hither and yon. Somewhere with trees and happy chipmunks who will continue to chitter-chatter my story for all eternity.

    OH! OH! In the spirit of WE ARE NOT ALONE, I think there should be WANACon gathering hubs sprinkled around the globe. Do you want to organize the on-site party conference capsule for DFW, or shall I *pause for breath* delegate it to someone else in our area?

    Have More Cowbell. (Really! I do!) Will travel.

  3. #3 by suebthefoodie on September 19, 2013 - 7:51 am

    Laughing out loud with this post. Delayed my packing snacks and lunches finding shoes, and random homework assignments carried off by the large dog. My children are now free-range and have the tele on. They thank you. Now back to the crazy rush that is a school morning. Enjoyed my little break today. For sure. So nice to step of the hamster wheel every now and again and have a good laugh. I Thank you. : ) -Cheers

  4. #4 by claudiadahinden on September 19, 2013 - 7:59 am

    Oh my GOD!!! Loved that and just can’t believe someone looking like you can have so much black humour. I’m delighted :-)! The part with Creepy-Mom-Lamp just blew me off – laughed tears in my office chair! So now I have to think about a unique way what to do with myself…not sure yet. I’ll let you know🙂

  5. #5 by Nicky Moxey on September 19, 2013 - 8:21 am

    Oh, Kristen – that may be the only belly laugh I get today, but it was a firecracker string of them😀 Thankyou! Our family does Farce at Funerals. Like my mother’s aunt overtaking the hearse with my Mum’s body, screeching to a halt ahead of it on the gravel driveway at the crematorium doors, and asking “Am I late?”

  6. #6 by Jess Molly (aka jmolly) on September 19, 2013 - 8:34 am

    Hey, you could have yourself made into a CD, and record your annoying monologue on it. Hubbs would never dare to throw the CD against the wall, right?😉

  7. #7 by Mishael Austin Witty on September 19, 2013 - 8:46 am

    I’ve always thought cremation was cool, but this LifeGem thing? That’s awesome! I want to be a diamond! But I’d probably have to be split up into two diamonds because I have two daughters. They’d be fighting over me…Maybe.😉

  8. #8 by KrisBroekhuis on September 19, 2013 - 8:47 am

    My husband thinks I’m weird because I don’t want to be buried. You could go with the inventor of the frisbee, cremated and then made into frisbees. I like shoes, maybe I will be a shoe. Or maybe the way of the Egyptians, get a nice pyramid. Or maybe go old school and get a nice big creepy mausoleum with a huge angel of death statue standing over the family name. Kids can dare other kids to go touch it. To make it even creepier we can actually reuse it, like some central and south american cultures. All the family can take turns being placed in it, but when it is full, just throw one body in the pit out back to make room. Now, to get someone to start a Day of the Dead celebration party by it . . .

    Thanks for the fun post! Love your sense of humor.

  9. #9 by Jon Jefferson on September 19, 2013 - 8:49 am

    Personally I am opting for a public cremation/ weeny roast. We can have a big neighborhood bonfire while I burn. The slogan for the party is have a weeny on me.

  10. #10 by staceywilk on September 19, 2013 - 9:01 am

    I’m sorry, but when you wrote that you pulled your father’s ashes down from the closet and they fell in your shoes I cracked up! That’s terrible, I shouldn’t laugh. But I give you credit, because if my mother decides she wants to be cremated then she in all her ashes glory can go live with my sister. Especially since Sister is the favorite anyway. And my mother will probably haunt whatever structure houses her remains. As for me…well, I’ll think about that later. Much later.

  11. #11 by violettempest on September 19, 2013 - 9:03 am

    Thank you for the chuckles, and no your family’s idea of death isn’t weird. I for one come from parents who threatened to haunt us if we buried them.😀

  12. #12 by laramcgill on September 19, 2013 - 9:20 am

    Kristen, outstanding! I just shared that with my math class. People choked on laughter, and a couple looked like they were going to throw up, they were laughing so hard. But, I was right along with them, so it didn’t matter.

    As far as the stuffed mother goes, I actually used that in “Fireheart.” The villain (her brother-in-law) was in love with her and wanted to keep her in his bedroom.

    Yeah.

    Anyway, more students just came in, so I’ve got to run. Have a lovely day!

  13. #13 by Anne Stuessy on September 19, 2013 - 9:20 am

    You are insanely funny, and responsible for much spilled coffee. I’m of Viking stock too, and am holding out for a flaming canoe at a Northwoods lake to be named once the deed is done.

  14. #14 by Rebecca Enzor on September 19, 2013 - 9:21 am

    When I worked at the vet we had a cremation service that also offered taxidermy (which one person did request) and making your pet into a jewel (which no one ever requested). I think, actually, the taxidermy would freak me out more then the jewel ;P

  15. #15 by creativityorcrazy on September 19, 2013 - 10:00 am

    You managed to bring tears to my eyes I laughed so hard. Thanks. I needed a good laugh this morning. This post was like how I am after no sleep all night and hyped up on caffeine…lol. Interesting ideas with regards to death to say the least and I thought I was odd because I don’t like open casket funerals.

  16. #16 by Laura on September 19, 2013 - 10:04 am

    Not only am I too of Viking DNA, but I come from a line of great reindeer herders – a Saami. I just found this out through a spit DNA test and following connections to first through fifth cousins. Anyway, that is the spot where you made me spit again, but this time, not for a DNA test. Thanks for the laughs. I am not going to send this to several friends.

    By the way, my kids already know I want to be a tree and they better water me.

  17. #17 by Elke Feuer on September 19, 2013 - 10:04 am

    LOL! You’re too funny, Kristen! I can wait to tell my son I’m going to be put into a diamond ring for his future wife. He’ll love that!

    Oooh! Love your dad’s idea about the rocket! I originally wanted all body parts donated to help others, the rest cremated, and my ashes scattered across the ocean.

    People think I’m crazy because I’m planning a trip into space (Virgin airlines) for my 50th birthday. They also laughed when I said I wanted to be a romance writer. Look who’s laughing now.🙂

  18. #18 by Laura on September 19, 2013 - 10:04 am

    Crap. Not = now. Sorry.

  19. #19 by Sara on September 19, 2013 - 10:18 am

    Have you read the book – Stiff by Mary Roach. After reading her book, I announced to my family that when I die I want to be a crash test dummy. They all think I’m weird but I feel like that way my body will do something useful other than take up space in the earth.

  20. #20 by Catherine Johnson on September 19, 2013 - 10:18 am

    Myeyes are glazing over this is too funny. That dad’s ashes thing would so happen to me. Imagining you as a mother-in-law is so funny.

  21. #21 by Melissa Lewicki on September 19, 2013 - 10:21 am

    Why was everybody laughing? It all seemed perfectly normal to me.

    When my dad died we had him cremated and my sister put him in her closet some where. We planned to spread him in SF bay when my mom was ready to join him. Years later, Mom died. We had her cremated. My sister could not find Dad for days. We were a little panicky. He finally turned up in a box in a purple, velvet bag. Very regal. So, my sister had Dad in Napa and I had Mom in San Antonio. I had to fly Mom to California. I was so nervous going through security at the airport. I so did not want them to open that box. They didn’t. But they stopped my husband and confiscated his little, teensy Swiss army knife.

    We rented a yacht, invited the whole fam damily and spread their ashes together under the Golden Gate Bridge. We had a great time. They would both have loved it.

  22. #22 by Alice on September 19, 2013 - 10:27 am

    Great post today, Kristen! Laughed my head off. Now I have to spend the rest of the day looking for it!! I especially loved the comment about the microchip. What if…? Being a long-standing sci-fi addict, I have no doubt that little invention is coming.

  23. #23 by Deb Atwood on September 19, 2013 - 10:28 am

    Thank you for making me sputter my morning coffee. Nothing better than a good laugh to wake me up!

  24. #24 by Jessi Gage on September 19, 2013 - 10:37 am

    When they make you into a diamond, I hope you go up for sale on EBay with a special discount offered to WANAs. I would so bid on you.

    • #25 by Jenny Hansen on September 19, 2013 - 11:45 am

      Bahahahaha!! “I would so bid on you.” That’ll be killing me all day long.

  25. #26 by conniecockrell on September 19, 2013 - 10:37 am

    LOL, I love the jewel idea. I’ve thought it a good idea ever since I first heard of it a few years ago.

  26. #27 by Judith Post on September 19, 2013 - 10:43 am

    Loved this post! Haven’t laughed out loud for a while. Not sure, though, that your diamond would be crystal clear with no impurities:)

  27. #28 by Cindy Sample on September 19, 2013 - 11:15 am

    Good thing I’ve learned NEVER to have a cup of coffee nearby when I read your posts. Love this! My biggest fear has been that my kids would use my beloved ashes as kitty litter. Although it would prove my usefulness even after passing. Now I need to figure out which appendage would make the best lamp. Given the size of my bunions, I think my feet would make an excellent umbrella stand!

  28. #29 by brookeyt on September 19, 2013 - 11:20 am

    Ummm… your family is crazy! And I love it!

  29. #30 by cynthiagrstacey on September 19, 2013 - 11:42 am

    OMG I can’t stop laughing! The whole dead mother in law really creeps me out though. My ex-mother in law (get the ex?) was horrid. I would not have worn a ring belonging to her and definitely not made FROM her. gross! Nothing so weird for me, just want to be cremated and my ashes spread wherever fertilizer is needed. My spouse however insists that whoever dies first has to wait patiently on the mantle for the other so our kids can mix us together and spead/bury whatever us together forever… he is such a romantic (I can’t even get the kids to clean their room so we will probably sit in a closet like your dad!) Thanks very much for the laughter today!

  30. #31 by Rachael on September 19, 2013 - 11:45 am

    You crack me up!! Did you at least save the vacuum cleaner bag?
    There’s nothing “frugal” about those diamonds!! They are crazy expensive!

  31. #32 by Jenny Hansen on September 19, 2013 - 11:45 am

    My favorite line? “A skinny dead mother-in-law is good for little more than a tacky nose ring, which might impress some young Waffle House waitress from the trailer park, but not a gal suitable for MY boy.”

    Totally dying over that one…

  32. #33 by KarlaAkins on September 19, 2013 - 11:54 am

    I want to be buried in a basket. But it’s not legal around here unless I can find an Amish community that will let me be buried in their cemetery which probably won’t happen because I’d have to convert to Amish and well, I like technology too much. Plus, I look awful in a bonnet.

  33. #34 by Diane Turner on September 19, 2013 - 11:56 am

    The “father in my shoe” line was priceless. Still giggling over that one. Hysterical piece.Thanks for sharing.

  34. #35 by Elle Knowles on September 19, 2013 - 12:35 pm

    Very funny! Made my day. Now I can get up and “do things! But first I have to share this with friends. We all need a laugh sometimes!

  35. #36 by tomwisk on September 19, 2013 - 12:58 pm

    Kristen, you’ve made my morning and afternoon. After spending most of my youth in funeral homes and attending the funerals of elderly relatives, spending my teens at my mother’s and various schoolmates who couldn’t drink and drive funerals and finally making into middle age catching up on the relatives and friends who’ve passed you’d have thought I’ve developed a maudlin view of death. Nope, when I go, I want to be cremated and the Cat From Hell’s ashes comingled then divide in two. The containers will be given to my nieces with the proviso that we (the cat and I) attend Thanksgiving dinner every year or the money gets cut off. The diamond idea is a neat one but I’ve got no kids.

  36. #37 by Sarina Rostek (@SarinaRostek) on September 19, 2013 - 1:09 pm

    I want my ashes to go into a big thing-a-magig like a lava lamp and past from on grandchild to another. Maybe they will talk to me in there. They are far too busy being kids now.

  37. #38 by Mary Quitecontrary Carpenter on September 19, 2013 - 1:20 pm

    #35 by Mary Carpenter on September 19,2013-12:52 pm
    Actually saw this piece on the making family members into jewelry, on one of those channels, it was something about weighing burial against cremation, and talking about how we are running out of space,so people were coming up with ideas for how the wanted to be laid to rest. One lady had a guy build her cherry wood coffin with shelves in it , and she has it on display in her house with nick/knacks in it, she says when she dies, the shelves slide out, and she slides in. I did like your father in your shoes as well, you should have shook your shoes out, rolled what was left of him in cigarette paper, and smoked him, “talking bout a UN-natural high”. The part about your mom, well I know your mom, sounds like her, still wants to be useful. My mom, I’ll have made into a gnome so she can continue to put the fear in people in death, like she did in life, use to have us scared to breathe. The micro-chip line, not that’s one for the books, I’d have myself made into 2, one for while he is still alive, and one to be implanted during the autopsy,a token of my endless and undying love. Frankly for me, give me the Al Bundy “WOOSH”, kids wouldn’t care, they’ll be done drained my dry long before. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that, now back to stake being driven in my heart (studying)

  38. #39 by Debra Desselle on September 19, 2013 - 2:28 pm

    Loved today’s blog. You are weird in a wonderful way!

  39. #40 by donnajeanmcdunn on September 19, 2013 - 2:32 pm

    I have to apologize to your father’s ashes. I’m afraid I laughed out loud when you spilled him!

    • #41 by Author Kristen Lamb on September 19, 2013 - 2:57 pm

      I can laugh about it now and knowing my weird Dad, he would have found it HYSTERICAL. But, at the time, I almost had a nervous breakdown right in the closet, LOL.

  40. #42 by eviljwinter on September 19, 2013 - 2:45 pm

    You did hear how Keith Richards handled his father’s ashes, didn’t you? He SAYS he was kidding when he said that, but remember, this was a man who spent the 1970’s chemically numbing himself to Mick Jagger’s ego.

  41. #43 by sharonhughson on September 19, 2013 - 3:00 pm

    Don’t know where I’ve been hiding, but I had no idea you could be turned into a gem after you die. That is totally what I want to do. My sons can fight over me (it might even be “Mom’s staying with me” if I’m a sparkly diamond rather than “Tanner gets you cuz he’s the oldest” when we talk about caregiving for the old woman).
    Very funny post. I would love to read your fifth grade paper. Knowing teachers, it probably got passed around the staff room to give everyone a good laugh.
    Remember, only the good die young. God’s in no hurry to hang out with the grumpy ones😉

  42. #44 by Irene on September 19, 2013 - 3:50 pm

    Bizarre, but fun. My mother’s house has been flooded far too many times by the small lake directly behind the house. We used to ride rubber rafts around the basement when the water was low enough. Lately, it has risen far too high for that. So, when she departs this realm, I will toss her ashes into said lake, thus getting back at it for all the years she worried about every rainstorm.
    I do like the diamond idea, but I’m not sure it will really work.

  43. #45 by Heather on September 19, 2013 - 6:13 pm

    Haha! Your mother sounds just like my grandmother – she wants to be taxidermied and put in a rocking chair with a blanket over her knees and some knitting… you know to freak out the visitors… “Your nan is napping in exactly the same position she was in last time I was here…”
    It’s also worth pointing out that she is not a typical grandma, she doesn’t knit, or own a rocking chair and prefers to moan about her sorely lacking sex life (she’s 80, apparently pop has troubles in those areas now… far TMI lol)

  44. #47 by Sherryl Clark on September 19, 2013 - 6:19 pm

    You made me laugh – thanks! Great way to start the day. For anyone who lives down my way (Australia) you can go along to something called Death Cafe at the Fringe Festival and talk about weird death stuff while you drink coffee and eat cake!
    http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/death-cafe/

  45. #48 by Erin Zarro on September 19, 2013 - 6:36 pm

    Holy crap, love this post! I personally want to be cremated and my ashes spread at sea…but I’m digging the diamond idea…. 😉

  46. #49 by writerreese on September 19, 2013 - 9:43 pm

    My brother wanted to be cremated and and sprinkled into products at the Folgers coffee company. “So everyone will have a little piece of me.” Did I mention he’s my step-brother?

  47. #50 by writerreese on September 19, 2013 - 9:44 pm

    Reblogged this on writerreese and commented:
    This lady kills me! No pun intended…

  48. #51 by Sue on September 19, 2013 - 10:47 pm

    You mean you weren’t just joking around about being made into a diamond? You can really have that done? Hmmmmm…..that might be just the threat I need to hang over the heads of my children…

    Great post (as always). Made my first five minutes of my day job actually pleasant.

    Sue

    PS- unrelated to this post, but I love it when you refer to your kids as “spawn”.🙂

  49. #52 by Sharon T. Rose on September 19, 2013 - 11:29 pm

    What timing! My best friend’s grandmother graduated to Heaven this morning, and the family was not expecting it. As I helped my friend grieve, it brought back memories of my see-you-later loved ones, particularly my grandfather. He graduated over 20 years ago, and I haven’t even been to his grave.

    My 100-yo grandmother graduated last year, just before Thanksgiving. We had a celebration for her, and I wore my best spring dress and a big, well-decorated hat. And my bear-fur coat, because November in COLD-orado. We made a slide show of her best photos, including the ones that showed her sense of humor and puckish nature. It was a good “until then” party. But I still miss talking to her every now and then.

    I want my service to be a rock concert, with loud music, tons of food and drink, and lots of laughter. Be sad for yourself if you must, but don’t be sad for me. Remember the good things, tell tales on me and my weirdness, and balance tears with joy.

  50. #53 by saralitchfield on September 20, 2013 - 1:10 am

    I enjoy that this post was still educational – I did not know you could be made into jewellery after death. Me, I envision being scattered to the winds on a sea-side cliff somewhere (cremated first, otherwise might be a bit messy and attract sharks). My mum wants to be cremated cos she can’t stand the idea of her body rotting underground. Also maggots freak her out. Death freaks my sister out but a diamond might change that… I’d better shotgun it now just in case…

  51. #54 by Pleun on September 20, 2013 - 1:29 am

    What an awesome idea! When the time comes I’ll definitely use it🙂

  52. #55 by V.L.M. on September 20, 2013 - 1:37 am

    So funny. When your dad’s ashes fell into your shoes…I am still wiping my eyes. My hubby is Viking too and I have promised him a boat and some kind of fire or explosive device. I am less enthusiastic about the idea of a coffin or a cremation fire and would either prefer a traditional native up-on-the-platform-for-the-birds-to-pick burial or a nice little pyramid. But please wait and make sure I am good and dead. Don’t want to get caught almost but not quite. Read way to much Poe when I was very young. My husband has told me repeatedly he will make sure i am good and dead and not to worry.. Great guy eh?

  53. #56 by knotrune on September 20, 2013 - 4:23 am

    You can have the Viking funeral thing here in the UK so long as you get cremated first. And if you know a friendly bunch of re-enactors. I don’t know if they had to have special permission of course and it was a few years ago now, but one of the boat burnings I went to had the ashes of a prominent late member of the group. We usually have 3 or 4 a year in various places, mostly just empty mock up boats of course🙂 Of course it is health and safety regs that you can’t just do that with an actual corpse though, as the temperature may well not get high enough.

    I want to be buried in wool, under a tree in a natural graveyard. As well as sounding peaceful, it is greener than cremation, which uses a lot of fossil fuel, plus I’m pyrophobic. Alternatively I wouldn’t mind being ground up and turned into cat food, except I’m not sure how nutritious I’d be.

    What if your son gets married before you die?

  54. #57 by Sandra Bell Kirchman on September 20, 2013 - 6:14 am

    I’m a first-timer here so please forgive any no no’s or unwritten rules I break. I’m so glad this was my first post of yours. My sides are sore from laughing. It was great to have such an introduction to your blogging. Here’s the skinny.

    I had heard the name Kristen Lamb around the blogosphere and other writerly places as one that would be very helpful to an emerging writer. That would be me. And I should join up. But for some reason, I just never got a round tuit. That may have been a subconscious desire to stay away from highly placed, slightly condescending, author-lecturer types, which was my ridiculous and completely unfounded conception of KRISTEN LAMB.

    One day, in desperation from the huge number of blogs I was subscribed to, I tackled the list, determined to wean myself away from a significant quantity. I ended up deleting only ONE blog that I followed, and, from reading through people’s past posts, subscribing to THREE new ones. At this rate, I will have no time to eat and roughly only two hours a night for sleeping by the year 2019. Anyhow, as luck would have it, one of the new blogs was yours.

    I still stayed away from it. It’s hilarious how we sometimes get ideas stuck in our heads that won’t give way to fact or common sense. Anyhow, for some reason I got up at 3:30 this morning and decided this was the day. I just finished reading your blog on how weird you are. You know what? Much of it sounded a lot like me. I’m so glad I finally read your blog. I will still be reading it in 2019 and probably still chuckling🙂

    • #58 by Author Kristen Lamb on September 20, 2013 - 9:35 am

      Fabulous to meet you Sandra! Yes, I try to balance practical teaching, inspiration and just wacky fun. Good for the brain and the soul.

  55. #59 by John Muccillo on September 20, 2013 - 6:21 am

    I always thought cremation for myself – then scattered (you know, at sea, in the woods, maybe over the tomato plants). But I never considered the taxidermy thing. Hmmm. Hey Kristin, are you a – “diamond in the rough” (she groans)?

    All the best,

    On Thu, Sep 19, 2013 at 6:46 AM, Kristen Lamb’s Blog wrote:

    > ** > Author Kristen Lamb posted: ” Things have been C-R-A-Z-Y lately with > WANACon coming up (COOL OFFER AT THE END OF POST), > Toddler-Stomach-Bug-of-Satan and just all the work that’s involved in > global domination with little more at my disposal than duct tape, glitter > and stolen swizzl”

  56. #60 by Dave Stovall on September 20, 2013 - 9:19 am

    Pretty hilarious post there, Kristen. I am leaving strict instructions to those I leave behind to mix my ashes with my beloved dog, Ozzie (R.I.P.), and launch us in a firework ala Hunter S. Thompson. I looked into the whole Viking funeral thing but as you mentioned, the permits are a bitch. Seems the Coast Guard frowns on flaming boats with smoldering cadavers floating around.

  57. #61 by Prissy Elrod on September 20, 2013 - 10:25 am

    You are crazy funny! Actually, a few years ago I told my two girls I would be their diamond necklaces one day, just split me up into even carets. They — along with all my girlfriends — thought I was sick, nuts, and well, many other adjectives. But alas, I read your post and find you are an equal lunatic and you were part of the litter in your own crazy family. Comforting to me, just plain ole comforting:-) By the way, I truly enjoy your posts. Thanks for all the information Kristin.

  58. #62 by Mary C Wilson Andrews on September 20, 2013 - 6:48 pm

    I love this post, my favorite so far! You are too hilarious and I was banished to our station wagon (with fake wood paneling), but we had Zayre and Food World lol!~

  59. #63 by lynnkelleyauthor on September 20, 2013 - 7:10 pm

    One of the funniest pieces I’ve ever read. Lost my comment earlier. That’s what I get for using my iPhone. I’d love to see you do a vlog of this post so I could watch it over and over whenever I need a belly laugh.

  60. #64 by Sinistra Inksteyne on September 20, 2013 - 9:01 pm

    Me for the tree growing out of my belly-button, but I’m planning a boat-burning for my Vikingy brother. Once he’s dead, of course. Yes. *sidles away*

  61. #65 by M T McGuire on September 21, 2013 - 1:54 am

    Maw hahahahahaaargh! There’s someone out there with a family that’s crazier than mine!

  62. #66 by Susan Shay on September 21, 2013 - 4:09 pm

    Your blog reminds me of the Mary Tyler Moore show when Chuckles the Clown died. (I have that problem at a lot of funerals.)
    Remember?

    Enjoyed the post!

  63. #67 by saralitchfield on September 23, 2013 - 2:30 pm

    oooh just saw this – http://ow.ly/p8xao … and changed my mind. I would like to live forever as a tree.

  64. #68 by M A Clarke Scott, Writer on September 23, 2013 - 11:13 pm

    Love it when you riff, girl. LOL. LIke Lynn’s idea of a vlog. Could go viral.

  65. #69 by doovinator on September 26, 2013 - 11:18 pm

    I know some folks who took Pops up in a small plane to be sprinkled over his favorite lake. Unfortunately most of Pops ended up blown back into the plane by the prop wash!

  66. #70 by Raani York on September 27, 2013 - 3:13 pm

    *chuckle*
    Thanks for making me laugh, Kristen. I really needed this today, after my boss made me cry… but I’m afraid that’s another story… (eventually it isn’t… by thinking about it: how can it be, that I’m a writer and still, according to my boss, am apparently UNABLE to write good “minutes of meeting”?
    I’m devastated… he’s never happy, no matter how I’m writing them”) – ugh – but this wasn’t what you wanted to know… I’m sorry, my thoughts drifted off the topic.

    Here we go then: I have to admit, I’m a little weird… seriously. But that’s what I thought: I would have loved to be cremated and have my ashes filled into – how to express this properly – “biologically acceptable and environmental friendly fertilizer” – to be used and make plants grow. This way I could do something for Nature, even after passing away.
    I would like the thought of me being used to grow a tree. (Preferably a maple tree since I love them so much).
    I hope that isn’t too weird for you.🙂

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