You Might Be a Writer If…

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A lot of “stuff” has been going on in my life lately. Hard stuff. Heavy stuff. The kind of stuff that just makes me want to write massacre scenes….except I am so brain dead I had to google how to spell “massacre.”

Masicker? Missucker?

WHAT AM I DOING???? *breaks down sobbing*

I am supposed to be an adult an expert okay, maybe functionally literate. Fine, I give up! I have nothing left to saaaaayyyyyy. I am all out of woooords *builds pillow fort*.

I figured it’s time for a bit of levity. Heck, I need a good laugh. How about you guys?

We writers are different *eye twitches* for sure, but the world would be SO boring without us. Am I the only person who watches Discovery ID and critiques the killers?

You are putting the body THERE? Do you just WANT to go to prison? Why did you STAB them? Helllooo? Blood spatter? LOO-Min-OL? Moron.

I think it’s a writer thing. So, since today I am staring at the “White Screen of I SUCK and Why Did I Want to Be a WRITER?”, we are just going to roll with it…

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’ve learned that regular people are cute, and no longer get offended with this conversation.

Regular Person: What do you do?

Writer: I’m a writer.

Regular Person: No, I mean, what’s your real job?

You’ve come to understand that writers are a lot like unicorns. Everyone knows about them, they’ve simply never seen a REAL ONE.

You Might Be a Writer If…

The NSA, CIA and FBI no longer bother with you. Likely, they know you by name and now outsource to the creepy ice cream truck to just make a few passes and check to make sure you’re still at your computer.

author

As an extra bonus, the next time the NSA passes by in the panel van? Go out and ask them for a job application and maybe even a reference if you want bonus smart@$$ points.

You Might Be a Writer If…

Kind strangers hand you cash and sandwiches and offer to pray for you. Apparently you’re regularly mistaken for a homeless person because you haven’t bathed or changed clothes in weeks and are wandering around shouting at the air.

…aaaand, you are just doing Nanowrimo.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You hate texting because it takes too long to use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You know what’s the best time of year to dispose of a body to confuse TOD and that seriously creeps out your friends and family.

And you know what TOD stands for and that creeps them out even more.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’re on such a roll with the WIP that you’ve forgotten a “real” world exists (including laundry). You’re down to wearing your husband’s socks and he’s either going commando or is forced to wear that thong given to him on his 40th birthday as a joke gift. The kids? Hell, they went feral a week ago.

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You Might Be a Writer If…

You take a break from writing to go to the store and, on the way, begin untangling a plot problem. You finally realize you’re in the next state and have no idea how you got there. But good news is, you now know which poison is best to kill off the character modeled after that cheerleader who bullied you through high school. It’s the poison that will make her fat and wrinkly before she dies slowly from terminal acne.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You have NO CLUE what to do in case of a flood, a fire or a natural disaster, but you are actually looking forward to the collapse of civilization because you are pretty sure you will make an AWESOME Warlord.

 

You Might Be a Writer If…

You appreciate that if Febreeze is good enough for the couch, why not hose the kids? Hey, you spent extra for the anti-microbial one. It kills germs *rolls eyes*. Now your tot smells like a Hawaiian Breeze and his cooties can’t hurt others. You should get a freaking MEDAL for this kind of creativity.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’ve been diagnosed with Tourette’s, Multiple-Personality Disorder or both. It’s tough to explain you were simply working out dialogue when strapped to a gurney. But the upside is when they sedate you, it’s the only vacation you’ve had in months and insurance might even cover it. SCORE!

You Might Be a Writer If…

People believe you are a shy introvert, but you just can’t bring yourself to tell them that your imaginary friends are simply WAY more interesting.

You Might Be a Writer If…

A casket washes up in a Houston flood and while normal people are upset how tragic it is, you are wondering if there is GOLD inside. Or missing drug money.

Or if they open open it, could they unwittingly unleash the ZOMBIE PLAGUE?

Or what if it is the WRONG BODY? And it was all to cover up a mob leader faking his own DEATH?

You Might Be a Writer If…

You realize you are a horrible human being for getting so excited for that last one because NOW YOU HAVE A NEW STORY IDEA FOR NANO YOU SICK, SICK SOULLESS PERSON!

You Might Be a Writer If…

“Recycling” is using the same jerks from real life in a new story. We can kill them AGAIN!😀

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’re no longer invited to family events because they can’t take the incessant correction of their grammar.

Chickens are done, people are FINISHED.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’re automatically safe from any episode of Hoarders because when you get enough books? Others naturally assume you’re a LIBRARY. Hey, maybe you can apply for government funding. Scratch that. Then, you’d have to let people borrow your books.

You Might Be a Writer If …

You willingly suffer frostbite hiding in a Costco freezer eavesdropping a couple’s fight, because dialogue that epic is worth a losing pinkie toe. Your coffee table’s already tried to assassinate it 342 times anyway.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’ve been mistaken for Gollum multiple times, because strangers found you in a dark corner whispering “My precious….” and it was just you and your Kindle.

You Might Be a Writer If…

You plow over the entire Kardashian family, because OMG there’s Stephen KING!

You Might Be a Writer If…

Your idea of fun is reading the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, talking to your friends at the Coroner’s office or reading/writing Amazon reviews of the Bic Pen for Her or the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

You Might Be a Writer If…

Speaking of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, you actually bought one, not only to support the greatest comedic writing in human history, but also to screw with the TSA. Can you get it through airport security without a full-body search? Hide it near your shoulders and FREE NECK MASSAGE!

You Might Be a Writer If…

You’ve made it onto the Mormon and Jehova’s Witness DO NOT CALL LIST because you will only promise to convert with purchase of YOUR BOOKS (and favorable 5-star reviews).

You Might Be a Writer If…

Every time some overblown Third World dictator threatens to destabilize the world, all you can think is, “Pfft. Amateur.”

Have any to add? I know you do. So, “You Might Be a Writer If….”

I LOVE hearing from you!

Also, please swing by my funny Jiu Jitsu post over at Dojo Diva. I am blogging for my home dojo and it will help the blog gain traction.

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook

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  1. #1 by amiegibbons15 on June 5, 2015 - 2:16 pm

    Holy shit, this is hilarious. I’m re-posting🙂

    Also, you might be a writer if you critique the grammar in your fortune cookie😉

  2. #2 by Anna Erishkigal on June 5, 2015 - 2:16 pm

    “You Might Be a Writer If… Your idea of fun is reading the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, talking to your friends at the Coroner’s office or reading/writing Amazon reviews of the Bic Pen for Her or the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer….”

    Hah! And you know you are DEFINITELY a writer if you even KNOW what the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer review is…

    Ahh … I am guilty of all of the above. This was just the funny pick-me-up I needed at the end of a long and brain-sucking week. Thanks Kristen!

  3. #3 by Lori L. Robinett on June 5, 2015 - 2:16 pm

    Holy cow. I am so glad I’m not the only one who had thoughts like that when the casket washed up in Houston. I am NOT alone . . .🙂

  4. #4 by amiegibbons15 on June 5, 2015 - 2:17 pm

    Reblogged this on amiecus curiae and commented:
    Soooo freaking funny… and yeah, a few of those might be just a tad spot on🙂

  5. #5 by L.E. Perez on June 5, 2015 - 2:18 pm

    OMG…This is so me! Lately I’ve taken to wearing a writer shirt I have that says “Be careful or you’ll end up in my next novel.” every day. No really, I go out for dinner, shirt. I go to Disney, shirt. I go to Home Depot, shirt. Aargh!!! I love what you have to say and look forward to all of your posts, but this one so hit the nail on the head. Thank you for it. Hope you don’t mind but I intend to share it on my author page, with credit, where credit is due.

    Thanks again!

  6. #8 by Amy Shojai, CABC on June 5, 2015 - 2:18 pm

    “You Might Be A Writer If…” Meds are for weenies, you LIKE talking to invisible special friends in your head.

    You have outdone yourself, lady, this is top drawer aces!

  7. #9 by L.A. Remenicky on June 5, 2015 - 2:22 pm

    I would totally plow over all the Kardashian’s to get to Stephen King – good thing I wasn’t taking a drink I probably would have snorted it out my nose!

    Regular people just don’t get the writer thing. Great post!

    • #10 by Talia Pente on June 8, 2015 - 6:28 am

      They had a Kardashian at Book Con…unfortunately, you’d be plowing over a multitude of 12-year-olds screaming at the top of their lungs.

      Seriously,it was creepier than anything Stephen King could imagine.

      Talia

  8. #12 by Lanette Kauten on June 5, 2015 - 2:22 pm

    “People believe you are a shy introvert, but you just can’t bring yourself to tell them that your imaginary friends are simply WAY more interesting.”

    OMG! Yes! This! Someone finally understands me. (Weeps real tears.)

  9. #13 by Christine E. Blum on June 5, 2015 - 2:23 pm

    “You Might Be A Writer If…” you go to Costco and the only bulk items you return home with are characters, conversations and geriatric free food sampling scenes.

  10. #14 by bethtreadwayauthor on June 5, 2015 - 2:23 pm

    You may be a writer if your last hot date was with the imam of the local mosque working out how to use the numeric values of the Arabic alphabet to hack the international banking system via the Dark Net.

  11. #16 by Andrew Reynolds on June 5, 2015 - 2:25 pm

    You might be a writer if:
    You’re so interested in the acronym “TOD” that you jump over to http://www.acronymfinder.com to see what else it could mean and don’t get back to the comment you wanted to make for 30 minutes.

  12. #17 by Mommy's Cup of Coffee on June 5, 2015 - 2:25 pm

    Love this! Lots of laughs xox

  13. #18 by donaldkennethwalker on June 5, 2015 - 2:26 pm

    You might be a writer if you are writing about double lives and role playing and you call your wife another woman’s name, but…she plays along, along planning to kill you because she doesn’t believe you only have one character that you role play with for three novels straight….LOL. That sounds like a book…lol

    • #19 by donaldkennethwalker on June 5, 2015 - 2:27 pm

      Along = all along

  14. #20 by Frank Daley on June 5, 2015 - 2:29 pm

    I liked this, Kristen. Have a gin and tonic!

  15. #21 by ontyrepassages on June 5, 2015 - 2:34 pm

    Your funniest post yet! You might be a writer if you ponder scary plots out loud to your pre-school children and it takes you days to notice the worried look on their faces. You might be a writer if countless ideas slam into your brain when you notice the nervous couple one table away in the restaurant…and then you realize its your conversation that’s causing their expressions. You might be a writer if your characters start using your voice when you’re in the middle of a real conversation.

  16. #22 by AJMEADER on June 5, 2015 - 2:35 pm

    You might be a writer if you know more about the families and personal histories of your characters than anyone you know in your real life.

  17. #23 by threeworldsproductions on June 5, 2015 - 2:36 pm

    You might be a writer if you have a heated argument with your MC while showering, much to the chargrin of your now ex-hubby outside the bathroom door. After all not room for 3 int he shower.

    You might be a writer if while the news ticker along the bottom of the screen announces the end of the world all you can see is that the spelled Armageddon.

    You might be a writer if you take this opportunity to ask Kristen if she would like to be a guest on your internet radio/tv show seen in 133 countries🙂

    • #24 by threeworldsproductions on June 5, 2015 - 2:38 pm

      You might be a writer if you see your own typos after you post and ***head desk***

    • #25 by Author Kristen Lamb on June 5, 2015 - 2:39 pm

      Sure! And usually I fix typos if you don’t rat yourself out, LOL.

  18. #27 by areece on June 5, 2015 - 2:36 pm

    Reblogged this on Amy Reece and commented:
    This a really funny blog! Enjoy!

  19. #28 by Kathryn Jane on June 5, 2015 - 2:40 pm

    Reblogged this on Mystery and Romance and commented:
    Here’s some fun from Kristen Lamb …

  20. #29 by mcm0704 on June 5, 2015 - 2:40 pm

    What fun. Thanks for these. I will repost some on the Blood-Red Pencil blog in July if that is okay with you. My first post of the month there is always for humor, and this is perfect.

    Now here’s my offering, You might be a writer if you have more leftover food on your desk than in your refrigerator.

  21. #30 by Shea McIntosh Ford on June 5, 2015 - 2:41 pm

    I just love your humor Kristen! I recently purchased a bottle of a Mexican spice blend that was labeled TWICE “This is not a candy.” My writer’s brain immediately started spinning with wild scenarios that would warrant the manufacturers to need to put that on there.

    “For Johnny’s 5th birthday, we’re having cupcakes but we eat them at the same time! Ready? 3, 2, 1! … AAAAACK! EEECK!”
    😉

  22. #31 by proverbs31teen on June 5, 2015 - 2:47 pm

    Oh my goodness, my face is going to fall off if I laugh any harder.😄 Some of these are so me.
    You might be a writer if… you have to constantly delete your Google search history to keep your family from getting worried.😉

  23. #33 by Shelby on June 5, 2015 - 2:57 pm

    I know I am nuts, so when I am walking around town talking to myself, and I pass someone, I just whisper it to myself. Oh, and my story idea of the casket is involving more of Greek mythology to it, like Clash of the Titans. Course when will I ever have the time to get to that one, after all, I only have 100’s of stories that I need to finish anyway.

  24. #34 by Ann Bracken on June 5, 2015 - 2:59 pm

    You might be a writer if:
    -Your husband sees the pissed off look on your face and asks what your main character did now.
    -Your coworkers catch you staring and wonder if you plan to kill them off or use part of their personality in your next novel.
    -Your children do something funny/annoying/bad, then look at you and exclaim, “Don’t put that in your book!”
    -Your entire family comes to you for proofreading every essay/homework assignment/article written.
    -You reward yourself for number of words written in a day.

    • #35 by Melissa Lewicki on June 5, 2015 - 4:31 pm

      I love that first one!

  25. #36 by staceywilk on June 5, 2015 - 3:06 pm

    Kristen, thanks for the laugh. Yes, I am a writer. I actually watch ID TV too and critique the killers. I thought it was only me. I do know what TOD is and WIP and POV. And I would ABSOLUTELY mow the Kardashians down to get to Stephen King any time, any where. Of course, once I got to him, I’d be a tongue-tied mess, but hey, I never said I was eloquent.

  26. #38 by charlaynedenney on June 5, 2015 - 3:23 pm

    I really needed that laugh today. Thank you so very much!!!!

  27. #39 by married2arod on June 5, 2015 - 3:39 pm

    Lol. These were funny. My husband is like ‘pay attention to me, you’re always doing your writer thing.’ I guess that’s what he gets for buying me a new laptop!

  28. #40 by Author Cat Johnson on June 5, 2015 - 3:46 pm

    …if you keep a “Write in the Rain Pencil and Pad” reachable next to the shower because the best ideas hit you there… And this is an upgrade because those kid’s bathtub crayons you bought didn’t write smoothly enough on the wet walls.

  29. #41 by Eric Palmer on June 5, 2015 - 3:46 pm

    A definite repost! Very relatable. “I’m only an assistant pimp. I come from a line of assistant pimps.” (from “How High”) Of course aspiring to drink café mochas & wear cool hats & write something.

  30. #42 by Thomas Weaver on June 5, 2015 - 3:58 pm

    I only remember how to spell “massacre” because of how Arlo Guthrie pronounces it.

    I was probably on a watch list LONG before I got seriously into writing.

    The kids are NOT ferals; they’re perfectly civilized house cats.

  31. #43 by locustbean on June 5, 2015 - 4:04 pm

    You might be a writer if…
    Your 4 year old is acting like a crazy person and you ask him who have him the drugs since he’s acting so wild (as a joke. No one panic, my preschooler is not on speed😄 ). Without hesitation and in a serious voice, he responds, “Your people did.” And it begins the spinning of what will be an epic story. Teaching ’em young😉

  32. #44 by sandraeaster on June 5, 2015 - 4:15 pm

    Reblogged this on Sandra Easter and commented:
    This is funny.

  33. #45 by Angie on June 5, 2015 - 4:15 pm

    Reblogged this on Love, Laughter, and Life.

  34. #46 by Mike Billington on June 5, 2015 - 4:21 pm

    Shared it on Twitter and Facebook in the somewhat vain hope that, finally, the people I know will stop thinking I’m the only one in the world like this… thanks so much for making my day a whole lot better (and Marcy, Siobhan, Agnes, Connie, Mitch, Quinn and all the other characters in my books thank you too… they’re all here drinking coffee with me and laughing at your post🙂

  35. #47 by mateekaquinn on June 5, 2015 - 4:53 pm

    Lol! I love these. When I go to movies with my family, I’m always the one breaking it down scene by scene and saying I hated it because I knew the whole time this character would have to be sacrificed by the end. I’m sure they all hate it!

  36. #48 by Writer of Wrongs on June 5, 2015 - 4:57 pm

    Brilliant. Wine-snorting brilliant. Feral kids. *Reaches for tissues*

  37. #49 by Writer of Wrongs on June 5, 2015 - 4:59 pm

    Reblogged this on Micki Browning and commented:
    Every now and again, you just have to move over and let someone else say everything you wished you’d thought of first….

  38. #50 by sfarnell on June 5, 2015 - 4:59 pm

    That’s so funny… You’re a writer if you have an imagination that gives you a ton of ideas and you freak out because you’ll never write them all.

    I’ve had a good laugh reading this, thanks.

  39. #51 by maryblackhill on June 5, 2015 - 4:59 pm

    You might be a writer if, on a romantic walk in the country, your husband asks what you’re thinking and you reply “I’m just wondering how long it would take the crows to peck out the eyes of a fresh corpse if you laid it out on that rock over there at midnight…”

    You might be a writer if, in the middle of a conversation about something else entirely, you gasp, turn pale and stammer “Oh no! Guy’s wife has just died!” Your friends and family are really confused because they don’t know this Guy – who, until this tragedy was just a minor character but who suddenly now has his own book which you rush away to plot, leaving spaghetti bolognaise congealing on the plate and your family shrugging philosophically because they’re used to it by now.

    You might be a writer if you have only the vaguest idea of who the Kardashians are, but you’re read every word that Stephen King ever published including the Richard Bachman stuff.

    Love these Kristen! The only reason my children aren’t feral is because they learned independence at a very young age and because they have a domesticated, long suffering and very loving father!

  40. #52 by markheadhimself on June 5, 2015 - 5:09 pm

    —-on a really bad day the word ‘massacre’ has three esses Kristen—use the second one with the image of how a snake might say it with feeling!—-

  41. #53 by Jessica Strong on June 5, 2015 - 5:47 pm

    This is THE funniest blog I have read in a long time. Thank you!

  42. #54 by Scott on June 5, 2015 - 6:30 pm

    You might be a writer if…it takes you two or three tries to actually get to bed. You know, cuz ideas seem to only strike right as you put your head to the pillow. Why is that?

  43. #55 by mitziflyte on June 5, 2015 - 6:42 pm

    Reblogged this on Mitzi Flyte and commented:
    I resemble these remarks…especially the one about the washed-up coffin…scores of story ideas in that one.

  44. #56 by Deb on June 5, 2015 - 6:44 pm

    “You might be a writer if”… you go running out of the bathroom to write something down because it was so brilliant and you want to remember it exactly as you thought it…before you forget it!!!

  45. #57 by TamrahJo on June 5, 2015 - 6:45 pm

    You might be a writer IF…
    Everytime any soul gossips to you, you come up with a completely believable tale about why what happened – did –
    You Might Be a Writer If –
    You come up with at least 5 reasons someone else did what they did, but choose to believe the funniest/most ironic version of the tale
    You might be a Writer if
    Certain functions of WordPress “new Improved features” are slow on the uptake and make you wonder and wait to see if your comment was typed sans typos –🙂
    You might be a writer if
    You decide to Post comment before you’re sure of it’s veracity, just to glean some good tech failings info for a scene you’re currently working on about miscommunication and computers –🙂

  46. #58 by C.E.Robinson on June 5, 2015 - 6:48 pm

    A great Friday laugh, Kristin! You might be a writer…if you become one of your characters for a day just to see how people react!

  47. #59 by amyskennedy on June 5, 2015 - 6:53 pm

    They’re funny because they’re TRUE! And, yay! I won…

  48. #60 by Follow the dreamer on June 5, 2015 - 7:03 pm

    I loved this post! It is so brilliant and well thought out! and the humour is defiantly my kind of humour!

    I have two short stories on my blog that I would love you to check out if you could?? I’m an aspiring writer and would love some feedback from a fellow writer!

    Thanks.

  49. #61 by kathyree on June 5, 2015 - 7:05 pm

    You might be a writer if…your computer is your best friend and worst enemy–and you threaten to murder it in its sleep–like it’s actually going to listen…

    Oh these were a hoot. I could so relate to them. A couple of Sundays ago, in church, my daughter (age 23) leaned over and whispered, “Mom, your hair looks kinda dirty. When’s the last time you washed it?” Murder is disallowed in our church, so I had to control myself. Her question was legit though–I realized then that I hadn’t washed it in four days.

    My favorite compliment is when total strangers tell me I scare them. I was in the store yesterday, buying a beer called “Quilter’s Irish Death”. The guy who rang up the purchase looked at the label and asked, “You drink death?” I said, “Yep. It helps wash the bones of my enemies out of my teeth.” I’m pretty sure I will be banned from that store soon.

  50. #62 by Follow the dreamer on June 5, 2015 - 7:05 pm

    Reblogged this on Aspiring Writer with the love for all things unique and commented:
    Hilarious stuff!

    So in depth and true!

  51. #63 by Margaret Bad Warrior on June 5, 2015 - 7:52 pm

    If your kids always ask, “Who are you talking to, Mom?” as you work out dialog while cooking. Darn interrupters. Also, I prefer “free range” to feral…

  52. #64 by Bryan Caron on June 5, 2015 - 8:15 pm

    Reblogged this on Chaos breeds Chaos and commented:
    You might be a writer if… you wake up angry because your dreams were full of plot holes.

  53. #65 by jkappwrites on June 5, 2015 - 8:26 pm

    Reblogged this on make every word count.

    • #66 by L.A. Chance on June 16, 2015 - 12:22 pm

      Hahaha, this has happened to me:)

  54. #67 by Aspire to Fly on June 5, 2015 - 8:40 pm

    This made me crack up and laugh. Nice job with these.

  55. #68 by annethewriter on June 5, 2015 - 8:45 pm

    So funny! And, so true, especially the one about texting. I can’t bring myself to shorten words for fear of being misunderstood. I always spell out ‘Oh My God’ and would use a smiley face before I’d ever LOL (even typing that here made me cringe). I think I need help!

  56. #69 by Hanna on June 5, 2015 - 9:03 pm

    I haven’t critiqued the killers on Discovery ID, but I have watched many a black-and-white murder movie and gotten inordinately excited just before someone gets shot/stabbed. Glad to know I can pass that off as a writer quirk.😀

    And yes, I do have a few. Let’s see…

    You might be a writer if you struggle with delusions of grandeur and an inferiority complex simultaneously.

    And!

    You might be a writer if you almost never eat lunch, either because you’re too busy to take a break or because you can’t afford lunch.

    • #70 by Deborah Makarios on June 6, 2015 - 2:57 am

      “You might be a writer if you struggle with delusions of grandeur and an inferiority complex simultaneously.” Yes! Oh, yes!

      Also if you can’t understand why people are worried about you “not getting out enough.” I get out to the library every week – what’s the problem?

  57. #71 by alyssabethancourt on June 5, 2015 - 9:09 pm

    Reblogged this on ramblings of an autistic wordsmith and commented:
    These are all too true.

  58. #72 by Theresa Hupp on June 5, 2015 - 9:29 pm

    I might be a writer.
    Thanks for a great laugh.

  59. #73 by blondieaka on June 5, 2015 - 9:32 pm

    I have never read anything so spot on and funny..an amazingly apt view of us writers…love it!:)

  60. #74 by blondieaka on June 5, 2015 - 9:35 pm

    Reblogged this on Retired? No one told me! and commented:
    This is a brilliant,brilliant rendering of what a writer is..just make sure you are not about to swallow anything liquid before you read!

  61. #75 by Kimberly Read on June 5, 2015 - 9:42 pm

    You might be a writer if … Your iPad has a name and its own pillow. You finally, after hours of holding it, go to the bathroom to think. You tell the checkout boy that the bandages from your hand surgery are due to the fact that you heroically saved your puppy from an alligator attack. (He believed you.)

  62. #76 by charlaynedenney on June 5, 2015 - 10:33 pm

    You might be a writer if you know one of the best ways to get rid of a dead body is to wrap it in chicken wire with the requisite cinder block anchor. The body begins to bloat, the metal chicken wire cuts the body to let the gasses escape so the body doesn’t float. (my husband gave me that one, yes, he’s a chemist with a very evil streak)

    You might be a writer if you worry about how writers will have trouble writing about a Time Lord and whether or not it’s past or future tense.

    You might be a writer if the woman in the stall next to you in the bathroom freaks out because you’re having a conversation with a character about how to escape notice while carrying a dead body down an alley between two very busy streets.

    You might be a writer if one of your side-WIP is a recipe book written by a collaboration between a serial killer and a mad scientist, and the recipes actually sound GOOD.

    Oh, Kristen, I really needed that laugh today.

  63. #77 by TymberDalton on June 5, 2015 - 10:39 pm

    …if you frequently joke about having access to a real woodchipper (because you actually do), and not only that, but you also have HO-scale model woodchippers on your desk.

    …if your friends ask (hopefully) if they’ve ended up in a book yet.

    …if your family asks (hopefully) that they haven’t ended up in a book yet.

    …if you can claim weapons and sex toys as legitimate business expenses (research, y’all) and your CPA ALLOWS IT because you wrote a book(s) about the items.

    …you have a waterproof notepad AND an extra-large dive tablet in your SHOWER with a pencil for those water-borne plot bunnies that hit. (No, you will NOT remember it after your shower.)

    …you were forced to get a waterproof case for your phone because you almost ruined it grabbing it while in the shower to type an idea into it.

    …you frequently have to decipher the e-mails you sent to yourself the night before with plot ideas…but you didn’t have your glasses on while you were typing into the phone.

    …you geek out over e-book formatting info.

    …when you get the thousand-yard stare in the middle of saying something, your husband automatically assumes 1) plot bunny, or 2) you’re working out a plot snag, and not that you just suffered a seizure or something.

    …you forget to eat for too dang long.

    …you do not, however, forget coffee/tea, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve eaten. (Or bathed.)

    …you go to the mall and look for soft targets and escape routes because you’re trying to figure out what your baddie would do in your book.

    …you are a connoisseur of wrist braces. (I prefer IMAK for while typing.)

    …every single family crisis becomes viable plot fodder/research and allows you (sometimes) to step back and get through the situation because you’re processing it as a writer, not as a person. (Allowing you time to breathe and process it later when you’re ready to.)

    …you’ve not only killed off real-life people in your books, you’ve killed the same person off multiple times in a steadily progression of evilness.

    …you have to teach your Word and Scrivener programs swear words.

    …you are certifiably insane, but since you talk to “the voices” for a living, it becomes a profession.

    …you accidentally get yourself knocked out of jury duty because you are so excited to be in court you start asking the attorneys questions about what they do. (Research, y’all!)

    …you almost get arrested, because while redoing a closet, you buy a reciprocating saw, and when the Walmart clerk asks what you’re using it for, you think it’s funny to imitate Morticia Addams and deadpan, “For dismembering a body.” And then realize you actually SAID THAT OUT LOUD when the woman behind you nearly pisses herself laughing. THEN the clerk doesn’t really believe you when you say no, I’m doing my closet. And then you have to call your husband and warn him that if deputies show up at the house, why, and to assure them that he’s alive and well and not dismembered. AND… on top of ALL of that, Hubby just simply laughs HIS ass off and doesn’t get creeped out. (That, seriously, is a true story. Fortunately, no, no deputies showed up. LOL)

  64. #78 by facetioussoup on June 5, 2015 - 10:59 pm

    Reblogged this on momentarylapseofsanity.

  65. #79 by twainausten on June 6, 2015 - 12:37 am

    U might be a writer if you have a ‘cafe rental’ section in your budget ($2.89 non fat cappuccino) …

  66. #80 by nairnmcintyre on June 6, 2015 - 2:24 am

    Reblogged this on The Unnamed Blog of the Fantasy Genre and commented:
    This is absolutely brilliant.
    You might be a writer if…
    You can spend all day on a bus with convicted prisoners and it is them that are desperate to get off to get away from you questioning their methods, motives and mistakes.

  67. #81 by "lonesome" lee west on June 6, 2015 - 2:40 am

    you might be a writer if… you call up your publisher and scream bloody murder at ’em about recalling every last copy of your latest book, because you wrote ‘alligator’ instead of ‘crocodile’…

  68. #82 by Author Mandy White on June 6, 2015 - 3:13 am

    I can relate to all of these. LOL. The one about the coffin is eerily close to a conversation I had with my husband just this morning. We drove past an old cemetary and I started wondering aloud what we would find if we dug up one of the really old graves. I am a sick, soulless individual.

  69. #83 by Chaitanya Haram on June 6, 2015 - 3:23 am

    i’m a writer because I’m a shy introvert, quite relatable, hilarious post!!🙂

  70. #84 by SwordBearer on June 6, 2015 - 5:52 am

    Reblogged this on moniquerockliffe and commented:
    Hello friends! Sorry I haven’t been around for awhile but having some major upheavals in my life is not that conducive to lots of blogging so I do apologise. You will love this humorous blog from Kristen Lamb. Have a fantastic weekend, and I will write again soon. Promise!

  71. #85 by Thomas Kleaton on June 6, 2015 - 6:53 am

    I almost fell out of my chair laughing!🙂

  72. #86 by kathils on June 6, 2015 - 7:25 am

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    Kristen Lamb is as funny as they come, and some of these are SOOOO spot on!

  73. #87 by Susan P on June 6, 2015 - 7:40 am

    You made my day! Hope things come up sunnier this week to come. Going to reblog

  74. #88 by Susan P on June 6, 2015 - 7:40 am

    Reblogged this on The Curious Introvert-Book Reviews and Other Fun Things and commented:
    Whether or not you are a writer this is funny who ever you are!

  75. #89 by Niina on June 6, 2015 - 7:45 am

    These are great! And, you know, funny ’cause it’s true and all that.

  76. #90 by leithunique on June 6, 2015 - 8:06 am

    Totally understand from the first paragraph where you are coming from. Happens to me too from time to time but there is definitely always light at the end of the tunnel and the experiences you are going through make your writing more real once your brain recovers again at least that’s what happens for me

  77. #91 by TheUnspoken on June 6, 2015 - 8:28 am

    Reblogged this on theunspokenarts and commented:
    lool! *sigh*

  78. #92 by K.S. Hernandez on June 6, 2015 - 8:41 am

    Ahahahahaha! I had to stop drinking my coffee so I wouldn’t completely destroy my computer. Now that says something if I stopped drinking my coffee, in the morning. Good job. One of the many times I’m glad I’m alone while reading something. My laugh is annoying and really, REALLY loud. Reblogging.

  79. #93 by K.S. Hernandez on June 6, 2015 - 8:43 am

    Reblogged this on K.S. Hernandez and commented:
    Warning: Do not have liquids in your mouth as you read this entry. Hilarious!

  80. #94 by Cheryel Hutton on June 6, 2015 - 9:00 am

    You might be a writer if you talk to yourself/your characters so much your husband claims not to know if you’re talking to him (I think this is an excuse).

    You might be a writer if you eat your fast food lunch in the car (in Florida!) so you can have a long, deep discussion with a character without being disturbed (maybe with a straitjacket)

    Kardashians? Sounds sort of familiar. I’d shove them out of the way for you, Kristen.🙂

  81. #95 by mysticvean on June 6, 2015 - 9:00 am

    Reblogged this on The Rambles of Mysticvean and commented:
    Brilliant! Well worth a read!😀

  82. #96 by olganm on June 6, 2015 - 10:24 am

    So funny, and of course I had to go and check the Bic cristal for her (I knew the banana slicer already). I thought I’d have a fit. Thanks! This should be a comedy stand up routine!

  83. #97 by nancysegovia on June 6, 2015 - 10:29 am

    You might be a writer if after writing a scene in the middle of a snow covered Rocky Mountain winter, you walk outside to find the aspens in full bloom and wonder if time travel is real because the six feet of snow is gone, the sun is shining and the birds are doing whatever it is that birds do. One of the most disorienting experiences I have ever had. I also HATE texting.

  84. #98 by nancysegovia on June 6, 2015 - 10:30 am

    Reblogged this on Nancy Segovia and commented:
    Worth a few chuckles as well as a few ugly truths. Don’t piss off a writer or you’ll end up in one of her books, and not favorably either

  85. #99 by klcrumley on June 6, 2015 - 11:34 am

    Reblogged this on K. Crumley rambles on… and commented:
    This is so epic, so I’m reblogging!
    I can relate to ALL of these.

    Also, just wanted to add one:
    You might be a writer if …
    You’ve actually lived on a steady diet of coffee and toast for two whole days because you’re so into this scene you’re writing you can’t be bothered with things like cooking, or grocery shopping…and you NEED MORE COFFEE!

  86. #100 by johnkpatterson on June 6, 2015 - 11:39 am

    That. Is. Awesome. I love the freezer in Costco especially. You can multitask and research the effects of freezing to near-death at the same time!

  87. #101 by Sue B. on June 6, 2015 - 1:40 pm

    Thanks for posting this. I have had a stressing week and needed this! Some of these are spot on for me.

    You might be a writer if… you are stuck in a long grocery line and while you are working out the possible death scenes for your evil character out loud the people behind you move to another line.

    You are walking down the street so lost in thought over your next chapter you don’t realize that you have stopped walking.

  88. #103 by habisha on June 6, 2015 - 2:33 pm

    You know you’re a writer if you have to take your husband with you when you go to a museum, as you forget and start pointing out the security cameras, looking for a way around them, while plotting a jewel heist for your next novel. Hubby is there to explain to the guards about the new WIP, and to bail you out of jail if needed.

  89. #105 by habisha on June 6, 2015 - 2:47 pm

    Reblogged this on Deb's Writing World and commented:
    Just have to reblog one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read on being a writer. Thank you, Kristen Lamb.

  90. #106 by wendyannedarling on June 6, 2015 - 3:07 pm

    You might be a writer if you started to leave a comment about watch-lists here but then deleted it.

  91. #107 by Judy Hudson / Writer on June 6, 2015 - 3:16 pm

    Shared this on facebook. You might be a writer if you can guess who dun it for every tv show and 97% of the time you are right. Particularly resonated with “You Might Be a Writer If…

    You hate texting because it takes too long to use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.”

  92. #108 by teagan geneviene on June 6, 2015 - 4:10 pm

    I saw myself in this over and over again. How hysterical. No critique necessary — this was a gift. Mega-hugs!

  93. #109 by kellymarshall2013 on June 6, 2015 - 5:51 pm

    Funniest damn blog I’ve read in a long time. I was sitting at a car dealership getting my car serviced reading your blog. Started snorting. At that point, my grandson got up and left because I was embarrasing him. Lucky I wasn’t drinking milk.

  94. #110 by Jinxie G on June 6, 2015 - 6:41 pm

    Reblogged this on Jinxie's World and commented:
    I’m dying over here….

    You might be a writer if….

    Your desk is covered in Post-It notes, and your phone, tablet, and laptop have “NEW STORY IDEAS” notes in them.

    Enjoy Kristen’s….

  95. #111 by Dawn Ireland on June 6, 2015 - 10:05 pm

    This is so much fun! Thank you for the smile.
    You might be a writer if:
    Your friends and family give you a look in the middle of a movie and say “Don’t you dare tell me how it ends.”

  96. #112 by ariefarnam on June 7, 2015 - 5:20 am

    😀 Definitely laughing.

    You don’t actually know who the Kardashians are, except that you have encountered the name while researching millionaire mansions for your villains… and you just googled or wikied “Kardashians” to see if you want to admit not knowing who they are.

    Cleaning the house means clearing trail through the books from the door of your room to your computer, every now and then.

  97. #113 by Kim Wuescher on June 7, 2015 - 8:23 am

    I loved this. My favorite was the mowing down of the Kardashians to get to Stephen King.

  98. #114 by Glynis Jolly on June 7, 2015 - 10:17 am

    Yep, we’re a funny breed. I’m forcing myself to shower these days. It’s a worthwhile distraction to clear out the cobwebs.

  99. #115 by bethtreadwayauthor on June 7, 2015 - 11:05 am

    Reblogged this on Beth Treadway and commented:
    There’s no way to top this one, so I’m not even going to try. Just put down any beverages you may be drinking…no, farther than that, you want them WELL out of range of your computer! Now grab a cloth to wipe your monitor. Just in case. You’ll thank me later. Now enjoy!

  100. #116 by bethtreadwayauthor on June 7, 2015 - 11:13 am

    Tried reblogging to my BethTreadway.Com site but it’s not showing up.

    You may be a writer if you spend as much time pounding your head on the desk over WordPress and your website as you do actually writing books!

  101. #117 by mommadonnamusing on June 7, 2015 - 11:50 am

    Can’t wait to share this with my family! I swear, it’s like you were popping my thought balloons and sharing my craziness with the world! Love meeting a mind such as yours. It’s comforting knowing there’s another one of “us” and exhilarating realizing I need another hiding place because… there’s another one of “us”! Thank you for sharing AND for being the best you that you can be. Did I mention there’s a pet crematory only 25 yards from my back door AND my cousin owns his own wood chipper and loves to come out to play?😉 Let me know if you’re ever in the mood to “role play a scene”! LOL!

  102. #118 by Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon on June 7, 2015 - 12:36 pm

    AWESOME SAUCE!! Now this is funny. I found you by way of K S Hernandez’s re-blog, and happy I did. I’m now following. I do dabble in book promoting on my other WP Book Blog https://anauthorandwriterinprogress.wordpress.com

    Have a Fabulous Day!
    *Catherine*

  103. #119 by MacJoyful on June 7, 2015 - 7:24 pm

    Reblogged this on Macjoyful's Minimal Musings and commented:
    Hilarious post on Kristen Lamb’s blog. An excerpt: You Might Be a Writer If…

    People believe you are a shy introvert, but you just can’t bring yourself to tell them that your imaginary friends are simply WAY more interesting.

    You Might Be a Writer If…

    A casket washes up in a Houston flood and while normal people are upset how tragic it is, you are wondering if there is GOLD inside. Or missing drug money.

    Or if they open open it, could they unwittingly unleash the ZOMBIE PLAGUE?

    Or what if it is the WRONG BODY? And it was all to cover up a mob leader faking his own DEATH?

    You Might Be a Writer If…

    You realize you are a horrible human being for getting so excited for that last one because NOW YOU HAVE A NEW STORY IDEA YOU SICK, SICK SOULLESS PERSON!

  104. #120 by catchersrule on June 7, 2015 - 7:44 pm

    You might be a writer if: …You get put in the hospital frequently but prefer to be near the nurses’ station because damn, there’s some good dialogue there!…You’re a frequent gamer and yet can’t understand the concept of having a “character” WITHOUT ANY CHARACTERIZATION!! So, you spend forever making up ID’s for any and all of them you ever play(with, naturally, all of it written down in charts and files on your computer for easy access), and half the time drive your husband crazy speaking out loud in that character’s Swedish/Eastern European/Hispanic/Unusual accent, and insist you pause while questing with him to write down something else you’ve figured out about your person, because of course he/she/it has a story based on them…You can’t watch TV without groaning and pointing out the tropes in this movie, that show, or that commercial…

  105. #121 by Ashley Cyare on June 8, 2015 - 12:23 am

    As you tell your folks about a new friend and they stop you to ask if this person is real or not.

  106. #122 by Cary Area Writer's Group (CAWG) on June 8, 2015 - 9:34 am

    You might be a writer if… you’ve found the secret to tolerating your mother-in-law is to get her talking about her life, which passes the dreaded visit much more pleasantly for her because she thinks you actually like her, when in reality you’re just gathering history and then rushing out to your car afterwards so you can write it all down in your notebook.

  107. #123 by Cary Area Writer's Group (CAWG) on June 8, 2015 - 9:35 am

    Reblogged this on Cary Area Writer's Group and commented:
    I’m sure we can all relate to at least some of these. Hilarious.

  108. #124 by Jetterfly on June 8, 2015 - 10:17 am

    #YouMightBeAWriterIf you would recognize Stephen King or Alice Hoffman sooner than you would recognize a Kardashian.

  109. #125 by amybeall2015 on June 8, 2015 - 8:59 pm

    All of these are so true! Family and friends totally get creeped out by the ‘dead body’ scenarios.

  110. #126 by Sharon Schlesinger on June 9, 2015 - 2:12 am

    You are so precious to me. I save your blogs up and then I binge read them like I watched Breaking Bad. In fact you remind me of old Walter White. Brilliant and fearless.

  111. #128 by Prady on June 9, 2015 - 3:05 am

    A very funny read…needed it today. Thanks & many cheers.

  112. #129 by Walker McKnight on June 9, 2015 - 7:58 am

    You might be a writer if you have a memory and then can’t tell if it’s something that actually happened to you or just part of a scene you wrote a few years back (probably just my freak brain, but this actually happened to me)

  113. #130 by the_wondergirll on June 9, 2015 - 3:51 pm

    A post filled with humour. Great work!

  114. #131 by Patton Hyman on June 9, 2015 - 6:42 pm

    Thanks, Kristen.Made my day.

  115. #132 by mathemery on June 9, 2015 - 8:58 pm

    I love this.

  116. #133 by taramayoros on June 10, 2015 - 9:06 am

    Brilliant post. I’m going to re-blog🙂

    You might be a writer if… You recognize the evolution of the “I am secretly correcting your grammar,” T-shirt.
    Starting off, those people confident enough to wear one of those shirts, intimidate you to no end.
    Then, the more you write, the more you kind of latch on to those people. Hey, maybe they could be a beta reader for you!
    Finally, you break down and buy one for yourself. Just so people won’t talk to you.

  117. #135 by taramayoros on June 10, 2015 - 9:12 am

    Reblogged this on taramayoros.com and commented:
    Love this funny post! Follow Kristen Lamb’s blog. It’s fabulous!

    Read through the comments. So great! Here’s mine…
    You might be a writer if… You recognize the evolution of the “I am secretly correcting your grammar,” T-shirt.
    Starting off, those people confident enough to wear one of those shirts, intimidate you to no end.
    Then, the more you write, the more you kind of latch on to those people. Hey, maybe they could be a beta reader for you!
    Finally, you break down and buy one for yourself. Just so people won’t talk to you.

  118. #136 by Sarah on June 10, 2015 - 1:54 pm

    You might be a writer if…
    You are so done with your WIP that you throw your computer across the room. Bye-Bye WIP! Only to realize that you backed up all your files on Google Docs. What a smart move.

  119. #137 by vindalv on June 11, 2015 - 3:13 am

    Reblogged this on vindalv's Blog.

  120. #138 by Chris Redding on June 11, 2015 - 5:52 am

    Watching news story with DH and the woman had killed her husband, chopped him up and put his parts in a suitcase. She dumped him in a river. I jump in and say I’d put parts in various suitcases then dump them in various bodies of water.
    My DH then said, “It doesn’t warm my heart that you’ve thought about that.”

  121. #139 by Kate Lowell on June 11, 2015 - 6:00 am

    Reblogged this on The Blunt Instrument and commented:
    This is so true. And she’s given me some ideas. (Hey, NSA, my job has just been made redundant. Got any application forms? I can type, and I make a mean coffee.)

  122. #140 by Renae Kaye on June 11, 2015 - 6:07 am

    You might be a writer if… when friends are sharing the difficulties in their lives, you chime in with, “I know what you mean. I once had a character who…”

    Excellent post.❤

  123. #141 by Amanda Headlee on June 11, 2015 - 11:04 am

    Reblogged this on Amanda Headlee and commented:
    Great inspiration from the amazing Kristen Lamb. How many of these apply to you?

  124. #142 by AIC Communication Services on June 11, 2015 - 12:05 pm

    Terrific post! (Comments, too!) It’s nice to know others’ minds wander down the same strange paths mine does!

    You might be a writer if you are glad they invented Bluetooth for cell phones; you don’t get weird looks in grocery stores anymore.

    You might be a copy editor if you mark up your kitten’s adoption papers.

  125. #143 by davecenker on June 11, 2015 - 3:00 pm

    Priceless – one additional entry: You *know* you’re a writer when you have read this entire post and feel like an overactive bobble-head figurine, partially from nodding in agreement, and more so from doubling over in laughter🙂

  126. #145 by Nortina S. on June 12, 2015 - 6:44 am

    Reblogged this on Nortina Mariela and commented:
    You might be a writer if . . .
    You’re disappointed that the weird smell in your house is actually rotten potatoes and not a dead body.

  127. #146 by Teresa Cypher on June 12, 2015 - 10:25 am

    Oh my goodness! Writing a text does take so long. I really just can’t bring myself to use text “shorthand”. lol!

  128. #147 by C. L. Bender on June 12, 2015 - 10:14 pm

    Reblogged this on A Calvin Bender Film, LLC.

  129. #148 by Erica drew on June 14, 2015 - 9:55 pm

    This was funny. I had to share it on principle

  130. #149 by rockyfort on June 16, 2015 - 7:38 am

    My wife sure looked at me strangely as I read through this post. I wonder if it was the insane laughter?

    You might be a writer if your spouse has to remind you that you can’t try out ideas on your kids just so you know how a child would react to a dead body or a near drowning….

  131. #150 by rockyfort on June 16, 2015 - 7:39 am

    Reblogged this on Ice Cream Castles in the Air and commented:
    Yes I read this laughing hysterically! Well worth the time!

  132. #151 by Dee on June 16, 2015 - 9:09 am

    You might be a writer if you recount in your journal the best sex of your life thinking you might use the details in a scene someday.

  133. #152 by kyleen sixtysix on June 16, 2015 - 11:26 am

    I self identified too many times. I love it!

  134. #153 by katkent2014 on June 17, 2015 - 2:03 am

    Reblogged this on writersback and commented:
    Brilliant! Truth this. I have been there, done that on so many “ifs”. Thank you, Kristen.

  135. #154 by katkent2014 on June 17, 2015 - 2:23 am

    You might be a writer if the last time you watched a movie or series for pure enjoyement was…(truthfully, you can’t remember). Writers literally grow an invisible third ear and eye that pick up anything and everything that might be useful for current and future WIPs. It can be as small as the way a woman sips a glass of wine to watching the earth’s crust separate and molten lava flow like gravy at a Thanksgiving banquet. Everything is stimulus for your manuscript…even a walk in the park with your pooch can turn into a book idea. The other day I found an expensive cell sitting on the bench where my dog, Thunder, and I take a break. I was about to open it and figure out the owner’s phone number so I could call he/she and let them know their cell is at the park when a jogger ran up from behind us and barked, “That’s my phone!” Of course, I sincerely apologized and quickly set it back down. Lights started to go off for my next thriller: “The Cell” or “Finders Keeper” or “Curiosity Killed Kat”. Kinda like the third one. It never ends… Thanks for posting such a funny and inspirational tribute to writers everywhere. It helps to know, we are not alone in our quirkiness.

  136. #155 by aurorajeanalexander on June 22, 2015 - 3:02 pm

    All right – scary but true: I am a writer!😀. This demands a re-blog. LOL

  137. #156 by aurorajeanalexander on June 22, 2015 - 3:04 pm

    Reblogged this on Writer's Treasure Chest and commented:
    Kristen Lamb knows it well: you are a writer when…
    … and today I found out: I definitely AM a writer.
    Kristen writes in such a humorous and amazing way that you don’t feel bad but proud to be a writer, even though your… oh, no! Read it for yourself! It will be fun!

  138. #157 by Kim Terry Schwarz on June 22, 2015 - 3:26 pm

    One more — You buy Space Bags because a character in your book lays children to “rest” in them before floating them down the nearest tributary.

  139. #158 by Kim Terry Schwarz on June 22, 2015 - 3:28 pm

    Snorted while I read your “Might Be a Writer” blog. Tried to share with FB. Something went awry. Meanwhile, I’ll just snort over the comments people made.

  140. #159 by Kim Terry Schwarz on June 22, 2015 - 3:30 pm

    Hey! It worked! FB “share” #810.

  141. #164 by Henrietta Handy on June 23, 2015 - 2:58 pm

    Reblogged this on Kentucky Mountain Girl News.

  142. #165 by douginnc on October 30, 2015 - 8:41 am

    Terrific post. You might be a writer if …

    … you miss 2 of very 3 sentences in a conversation because you are thinking about … the story behind the prior sentence, the grammar of the sentence before that, the way you would reword that thought, and how you became stuck in this discussion at all.

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