Holidays Got You Down? CHOKE THEM OUT with Yule-Jitsu

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We writers are a crazy lot. If you look at my author pic with the viking helmet? I KID YOU NOT, Hubby was home sick. Walks out and I am dressed like a viking. Doesn’t miss a beat. Where’s the NyQuil? The week before, my mom stopped by and I was dressed as Alice in Wonderland for a vlog. Again? Nothing.

They are used to my insanity.

So wrestling holiday decorations? Nothing on the scale of Kristen’s Weirdness.

For those who don’t know, I also do the blog for my Jiu Jitsu dojo. Yes, I am a blogger but what am I going to blog about? I am a WHITE BELT.

10 Ways to NOT PEE YOUR Pants When Grappling a Black Belt

5 Ways to Work the Fetal Position

How to Tap Out Like a Boss

Needless to say, even though tomorrow I test for my blue belt? I only have a year and a half on the mats, so my lack of experience really limits my topics. So, I decided to share my passion for Jiu Jitsu with the world the same way I do with writing. By making people laugh. Anyway, I put a lot of work into this post, so I figured I’d get more mileage out of it and share it here as well because I want you guys laugh and to be safe as well😉 .

I’ve lived a remarkable life and now I can add, “Inventing a new form of martial arts” to my resume.

I bring you.

Yule-Jitsu

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Gracie-Barra Mansfield, Texas is all about serving the greater community and we believe Jiu Jitsu is for everyone. But, we also believe in innovation, which is why we are the ONLY dojo in the WORLD to offer martial arts to keep you safe specifically during the holiday season with—Yule-Jitsu.

Yes, you read correctly. Yule-Jitsu. Because let’s face it…the holidays are trying to kill you so why not CHOKE THEM OUT?

Maybe you think I am nuts. You’d be correct. Maybe you think I simply want attention and blog content. Also correct. But here’s the thing.

Millions of people are killed by their own Christmas decorations EVERY DAY, but more so during Christmas. In fact, holiday decorations are the LEADING cause of death among all people of all ages in EVERY country according to an article I just published on Wikipedia.

But how much of this tragedy could be prevented with just a little bit of preparation? How many other forms of martial arts have been blind to this vacuum in combatives training?

NO MORE.

We at Gracie Mansfield could not allow this kind of reckless irresponsibility to continue, so today I bring you the foundational moves of YULE-Jitsu.

The Fir Mount Escape

The unthinkable happens and you are attacked by your own TREE. This escape is named The Fir Mount escape namely because I really dig clever word play. This escape will work on more than just fir trees and is effective on any evergreen real or artificial.

Maybe you are hauling in that “natural tree” and trip over the cat. Maybe you have too much egg nog and lose your footing. Maybe your home is invaded by a burglar with a record and since he is on parole? He cannot have a GUN and so he uses a TREE.

You are trapped. WHAT…DO…YOU…DO?

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Remain calm.

The key is not to panic. If you feel wetness? It is probably not blood. If it’s a natural tree, likely you just spilled water down your leg…or you’ve wet your own pants. But the thing is? Stay calm.

The force of being crushed by your own tree probably will not kill you, but it will give you really awkward carpet burn that could lead to serious couples counseling.

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Breathe. Create distance. Work your hands between you and the offending spruce to get the weight off your chest.

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You should now be free from your tree and can now change pants.

Holiday Light Choke Escape

Holiday lights. We love them. Strands of lighted beauty? Or ELECTRIFIED AESTHETICALLY PLEASING DEATH ROPES? All perspective. Again, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ENEMY. That is a foundational teaching of Yule-Jitsu.

Some see eight tiny reindeer. In Yule-Jitsu you learn to see the STAMPEDING HERD OF INFLATED NYLON ‘MADE IN CHINA’ DEATH.

To demonstrate this escape, I’ve had my two assistants help me with an active attack scenario.

Let’s say you are forced to decorate a tree with young people. A teen who is supposed to be helping but is listening to music videos on YouTube. His little sister is enamored with decorations and thus not paying attention.

Meaning when trouble comes sniffing you better be a BEAR WOLF OF YULE-JITSU…because you are on your own.

In a vain attempt to keep the lights from twisting into one giant mangle only good for throwing in the trash, you get the bright idea to “loop” the Electrified Aesthetically Pleasing Death Rope (E.A.P.D.R.) around your neck. Then something goes horribly wrong…

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Trouble. First, assess if there really IS trouble. Can you simply slip free of the E.A.P.D.R.?

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DEFINITELY trouble. Again, remain calm.

Before creating Yule-Jitsu my first instinct was to simply gnaw through the E.A.P.D.R. Let’s just say that is a really bad plan. Using a knife? Equally bad plan. Throw water on it to lubricate and wriggle free?

No, though I thought that would work too.

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WHICH IS WHY WE NEED YULE-JITSU…

Work free from the choke.

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E.A.P.D.R.s are a genuine threat. No one is required to register them, get a permit for them and I am proof any idiot can be in possession of these so please. Practice your Yule-Jitsu.

Moving on to the final move in Yule-Jitsu. This move is helpful throughout the year but VERY useful during this time of year to take on our greatest foe…Commission Only Sales Clerk.

AHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH!

The Hair Iron Throw (or H.I.T.)

Ladies, you know what it’s like. You are shopping for gifts and if your hair is curly, some salesperson at a kiosk with a flatiron is after you. If your hair is straight? The assault will come in the form of a curling tool.

Some fools see a mall? I see a poor tactical position with no cover. YULE-JITSU TRAINING.

Though this move was developed to take out an enemy with a mad hot hair tool, it is also effective against clerks wielding perfume, cheaper cell phone plans, artificial hair pieces and wrinkle creams.

Again, my assistant is helping me demonstrate the Hair Iron Throw (H.I.T.).

Notice my assistant sees the coming threat and is immediately in her ready stance.

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Trap the attacker’s hand. This keeps your hair straight (or curly) and also keeps the hot iron contained so you don’t get burned as you further execute the H.I.T.

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Rotate the arm. Again, this creates more space to keep your hair the freaking way you STYLED IT WHEN YOU LEFT.

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Also it will throw the attacker off balance and this permits a much smaller person to take out a far larger aggressor. Children who study Yule-Jitsu can also help maintain a parent or guardian’s current hair style and keep any adult from purchasing some overpriced “Ionic Tool” and why do we need IONS in our hair anyway?

Follow through. Notice as she rotates, I go over. Maintain control and finish. Keep control of the hair tool during the H.I.T. Finish the move as needed.

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Stay safe! Know your Yule-Jitsu. Merry Christma-Hana-Kwanza-kah from Gracie Barra Mansfield!

What are your thoughts about Yule-Jitsu? Are you shocked there has been such a glaring hole in self-defense? Are you even MORE SHOCKED that people like me are allowed access to computers? Do we need other forms of holiday inspired martial arts? Come on, y’all are writers. Impress me!

By the way, we DO have the best (or at least weirdest) job in the world. I never thought part of my job would involve actually wrestling with a fake Christmas tree.

Thank GOD I won. Could have been embarrassing.

We love hearing from you! Come join us for a free month of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and we will throw in some Yule-Jitsu for FREE!

Remember to check out the new classes listed at W.A.N.A International. Your friends and family can get you something you need for Christmas. Social Media for Writers, Blogging for Writers, and Branding for Authors. 

Also, I have one craft class listed. Your Story in a Sentence—Crafting Your Log-Line. Our stories should be simple enough to tell someone what the book is about in ONE sentence. If we can’t do this, often there is a plot problem. This class is great for teaching you how to be master plotters and the first TEN SIGNUPS get their log-line shredded for free, so you will be agent ready for the coming year.

Enough of that…

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of DECEMBER, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook

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  1. #1 by prudencemacleod on December 16, 2015 - 11:13 am

    Girl, you had way too much fun with this one. Happy Christmas!🙂

    • #2 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 16, 2015 - 11:19 am

      I did! And when I got the idea for it I even went out and BOUGHT a tree so yeah I am posting HERE too😛

  2. #3 by A. C. Spahn on December 16, 2015 - 11:16 am

    Rock your test tomorrow! You’ve got this!

  3. #4 by lyzzpickle on December 16, 2015 - 11:45 am

    Kristen, I’ve seen dozens of signs around Tyler for Gracie Barrera – is that your Dojo’s name? I had no idea you are a Texan. No wonder you’re so entertaining. We are simply fun people. Merry Christmas!

    >

  4. #5 by ugiridharaprasad on December 16, 2015 - 11:49 am

    Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.

  5. #6 by Joy Pixley on December 16, 2015 - 11:52 am

    Thanks for my first big laugh of the day! Now I know what to do if anyone at the mall tries to attack me with a hair-straightening device. Hit them with a tree, right? Or, er, I might have misread that part. (Putting the tree back now…)

  6. #7 by T.K. Thorne on December 16, 2015 - 11:53 am

    Good luck on your test! You had me laughing–#1 As a Aikido-ian I “got” it and #2 The Christmas tree fell on [attacked] me in kindergarten. I have never quite gotten over it.

  7. #8 by David Villalva on December 16, 2015 - 12:09 pm

    Oh my gravy crazy lady, this post cracked me up. Thanks for being imbalanced all around.😉

  8. #9 by phoenixswords on December 16, 2015 - 12:12 pm

    Laughed and passec this on to my friend who does Brazilian jiu jitsu. Thanks for the smile!

  9. #10 by Lissa Johnston (@Lissa_Johnston) on December 16, 2015 - 2:34 pm

    My fave phrase ‘punch [something] in the face’ now has strong competition from ‘choke [something] out’.

  10. #11 by bevrobitai on December 16, 2015 - 3:05 pm

    Bravo Kristen! While I have made my home safe this year by avoiding any form of Christmas decoration whatever, your tip for disarming sales people at the mall is going to be really useful. Love your work!

  11. #12 by Deborah Makarios on December 16, 2015 - 6:32 pm

    Aaaand this is why I have a two-foot tall tree. In a pot, so I can limit his growth. Muahaha. And also why I avoid the mall year-round. Safety first!

  12. #13 by Cindy Sample on December 16, 2015 - 8:23 pm

    My tale isn’t nearly as hysterical as yours, but I managed to throw out my back merely by plugging in the Xmas lights. They looked quite lovely from the floor which is where I spent the next hour!

  13. #14 by V.L. Jennings on December 16, 2015 - 10:22 pm

    ROFLMAO!!! This is EPIC Kristen!

  14. #15 by Ken Hughes on December 17, 2015 - 10:24 am

    It *is* a good thing you didn’t lose to a fir tree. We’d never have stopped needling you.🙂

  15. #16 by jrizzotto0808 on December 17, 2015 - 5:12 pm

    Wow! I was totally naive about the dangers of Christmas decorating. Another thing to worry about!

  16. #17 by tambra nicole on December 17, 2015 - 7:55 pm

    Kristen, I love your Viking hat! Where did you get it? I think I need one. Great post and I’m sure you’ll pass your test. Blue belt all the way! Merry Christmas to you and yours from me in my little corner of Texas.

    • #18 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 18, 2015 - 9:38 am

      It is just a silly hat from Party City😛 . I need to get a fancier one. I think I am addicted and YES I did get my blue belt….so I sally forth toward purple.

  17. #19 by Catherine on December 18, 2015 - 10:11 am

    This confirms it. You are nuts. We could be friends.😉

  18. #20 by laledavidson on December 18, 2015 - 8:29 pm

    Love your humor.

  19. #22 by Amar on December 21, 2015 - 1:46 am

    Loved the post, great yule-wit and pictures.

  20. #23 by thewriteedge on December 21, 2015 - 9:54 am

    Kristen, I’m surprised you didn’t address one of the biggest offenders in Christmas decorations ever to have been invented.

    Tinsel.

    Please do address this as soon as possible. I’m literally walking in fear around the tree area of our home.

    (And I hope your test went well! Merry Christmas!)

  21. #24 by aurorajeanalexander on December 21, 2015 - 3:32 pm

    I had so much fun going through this post.🙂 Thanks for the entertainment, Kristen.
    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  1. Holidays Got You Down? CHOKE THEM OUT with Yule-Jitsu | ugiridharaprasad
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