Image via Creepy Freaky House of Horror (Facebook)
I love being a writer. It’s a world like no other and it’s interesting how non-writers are simultaneously fascinated and terrified of us. While on the surface, people seem to think that what we do is easy, deep down? There is a part that knows they’re wrong. That being a writer, a good writer, is a very dark place most fear to tread.
In fact, I think somewhere at the BAU, there’s a caveat somewhere. If you think you profiled a serial killer, double check to make sure you didn’t just find an author.
Hint: Check for empty Starbuck’s cups.
Writers, if you are NOT on a government watch list? You’re doing it wrong.
Seriously. I took out my knee last week (ergo the sudden dropping off the face of the blogosphere) which just left me a lot of free time to drink and contemplate murder. I’m plotting a new book and kid you not…spent all of the weekend trying to figure out how to murder oil workers and make it look like an accident. Then yesterday, I spent like two hours on Google trying to find the right hotel balcony to toss someone off of.
Apparently “normal” people do not do this, which is why being normal is totally boring and for losers.
So before friends and family turn you into the FBI, here is a handy list of ways we writers are often mistaken for serial killers.
#1 Serial Killers Writers Need Alone Time
Generally, dealing with the public is only for a purpose (like making others think we are normal). To truly recharge and immerse in the art of what we do, we need to pull back and simply “get away.” Many writers can be found in basements, dark corners of libraries or lurking behind a desk surrounded with bear traps.
#2 Serial Killers Writers Often Hold Down a “Normal” Job
Many writers are also teachers, engineers (or likely married to an engineer—What is WITH that?), lawyers, doctors, or even librarians. We are friendly, polite and on-time and hold down gainful employment. This is what makes writers SO terrifying. You probably work with one.
You might even be married to one.
#3 Serial Killers Writers Can Look Just like YOU
When our book comes out, neighbors will say, “But she seemed so nice and normal. Really polite. Always thought something was off, but writing? Really? Who can ever know these things.”
#4 Serial Killers Writers Understand Law Enforcement
And probably dated it 😀 ….until they married an engineer.
When planning any murder or series of murders, we have to know our enemy. The cops. What are ways we can confuse them? Can we kill in multiple jurisdictions knowing the law agencies will never properly communicate and thus we can kill as many people as our plot requires? Can we run the police down a rabbit hole of distraction?
Can we evade them altogether? Get rid of ALL the evidence?
Image via Creepy Freaky House of horror (Facebook)
#5 Serial Killers Writers Use Terms Like T.O.D.
Throw T.O.D. around a writers group and no problemo. But using this term at Thanksgiving with the family? Meh. We writers know the best time of year to kill and dump the body and which season a shallow grave is an acceptable option. No writer ever sees just a freezer. Trust me, we are thinking how many people we can fit in that sucker and if we’ll have to saw apart the body first.
#6 Serial Killers Writers Hear Voices That Tell Them Who to Kill
And often talk to those voices. We might be driving to Costco when the Voice visits and tells us that we really shouldn’t kill that asshat who stood us up for prom. No, the slutty cheerleader he dumped us for is a way better choice. Then, so enraptured with talking to the Voice, we find we missed the last fifty exits and have to hope there’s a Costco in the neighboring state.
#7 Serial Killers Writers Choose Victims Carefully
Generally our victims will include anyone who picked on us in high school or ever broke up with us via Facebook or text message. Victims can also include anyone who ever worked in HR or customer service for AT&T.
#8 Serial Killers Writers Plan Their Kills Methodically
Sure you might get the fantasy or sci-fi author who just exterminates an entire race, but for the rest of us? No, we thought those kills out. We can’t just kill anyone lest we be left with a pacing and plot problem.
Duh.
#9 Serial Killers Writers Have a Timeline for Their Kills
Sure the body count will rise, but during revisions? We just go back and spend quality time with the souvenirs we took off our victims. We might even take breaks between books because we can’t murder characters without a plan. Helloooo?
#10 Serial Killers Writers are Narcissists
Seriously, we have to be. Who else can write hundreds of thousands of words just knowing the world will love every bit of what you put down? And PAY MONEY to consume it? Narcissists have a God-complex but unlike serial killers who pretend to be God?
We writers actually ARE.
#11 Serial Killers Writers Take People Apart
We crawl in your head, but don’t get too freaked out. We crawl in everyone’s head. We think like you. We become you.
Image via Creepy Freaky House of Horror (Facebook)
What???? Don’t judge me. You do this too! 😛
Okay so when ACTORS do this it is OKAY but a writer does this and it’s creepy? We need to know how people think, what makes them tick, what sets them off. What are the right pain points and speaking of pain…
#12 Serial Killers Writers Are Also Sadists
Excellent fiction is the path of greatest resistance which means good writers are all about exacting pain. Doling it out bit by bit. Upping the heat and making that victim and all who love him squirm, then panic, then question the very meaning of their existence. We push our victims until just before that spark of hope in their eyes extinguishes completely.
And then we give them a bone and rescue them so there. We aren’t completely heartless. Sheesh, these people are imaginary. Why so freaked out?
#13 Serial Killers Writers Struggle with Addiction/Compulsion
Drugs and alcohol? Maybe. Books and cute bookmarks we never use because we lost them and so have to use the receipt from purchasing the freaking bookmark as a bookmark? Definitely. Female serial killers writers can often be spotted wandering around a craft store talking to the yarn. Males? Computer stores.
Angels and Devils
Yeah yeah writers could be mistaken for serial killers but in the end, everything we do is for the ultimate good. We actually have to write in mistakes lest our villain remain free and that is bad fiction.
Speaking of which, have you ever created a villain so good you had to go BACK and write in some oopses? Like, “Wow, this guy’s good. Nope, they’d never catch him. Ah sh#!.”
Okay so some of you by now are either laughing and nodding…or you’re dialing an FBI hotline ready to link them to my blog. Fine, when they haul me away in cuffs, trust me I am taking notes so when I write a similar scene? I know how cuffs FEEL.
So there 😛 .
What are your thoughts? Have you ever had strangers overhear you talking about how to kill someone and you had to stop and say, “It’s okay. I’m a writer.” Do you love Discovery ID just a bit more than is probably healthy? Do you freak out friends and family because autopsies make you giddy?
I LOVE hearing from you!
To prove it and show my love, for the month of MARCH, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel.
Before we go, I want to give you a heads up especially if you are thinking on attending a conference.
I’m holding my ever-popular Your Story in a Sentence class. Can you tell what your book is about in ONE sentence? If you can’t? There might be a huge plot problem. This also helps if you are ever going to query or pitch an agent. The first ten signups get their log-line shredded by MOI for FREE.
Kristen Lamb's Blog 
#1 by Kimber Leigh Wheaton on March 24, 2016 - 10:46 am
Yikes– this article describes me perfectly. I’m married to an engineer, watch Discovery way more than I should, and sometimes I worry about my Google search history. My latest was into all the date rape drugs to figure out which would suit my villain the best. If the FBI ever looked into my computer… well, let’s just hope my books settle any misconceptions 🙂
I’m also totally addicted to Criminal Minds 🙂
#2 by Stacy Fileccia on March 24, 2016 - 10:49 am
You’re right on target, and sooooooo funny! Great post!
#3 by peggy pena on March 24, 2016 - 10:51 am
I love you Kristen Lamb!
#4 by thetinywriter on March 24, 2016 - 10:52 am
Haha this is great 🙂
#5 by Lydia on March 24, 2016 - 10:54 am
First 48, Forensic Files, ID, Criminal Minds… Need I say more!!! My fiance often looks at me like I’m totally crazy!!! Now I understand why!!! Awesome Post!!!
#6 by Author Kristen Lamb on March 24, 2016 - 10:55 am
You’re not crazy…just a writer 😀
#7 by we2wises on March 24, 2016 - 10:55 am
I don’t care what you say. One day, not long after he passes, they will find dozens and dozens of bodies on Stephen King’s estate. There. I said it. 😛
#8 by annaerishkigal on March 24, 2016 - 10:57 am
OMG! Laugh. This made me giggle because it’s true.
#9 by Kathy Waller on March 24, 2016 - 11:13 am
Reblogged this on Kathy Waller ~ Telling the Truth, Mainly and commented:
I’m sharing this from Kristin Lamb’s blog. Just so you’ll know.
#10 by 1authorcygnetbrown on March 24, 2016 - 11:18 am
It is so nice to know that someone understands me, even if it is just another crazy writer like me! (It has been one of those weeks that I want to throw myself under a bus!)
#11 by Amina Berg on March 24, 2016 - 11:23 am
Finally a post that describes me so well. 🙂 Great post! Funny!
#12 by Lanette Kauten on March 24, 2016 - 11:44 am
#7 I choose to keep my enemies alive and kill off their loved ones instead. As soon as my enemies are dead, it’s not fun anymore.
#13 by jenowenby on March 24, 2016 - 11:58 am
Reblogged this on Jens Thoughts and commented:
Love this blog post by Kristen Lamb! Enjoy. 🙂
#14 by jenowenby on March 24, 2016 - 11:58 am
Loved this post! I reblogged on Jen’s Thoughts. 🙂
#15 by Jane on March 24, 2016 - 12:00 pm
Well said!
#16 by tammyjpalmer on March 24, 2016 - 12:02 pm
I’m a non -violent person. I hate blood and gore. And yet, the writer in me seeks authenticity. The writer must know things. At a recent writing workshop by Geoff Symon, FBI guy and a great speaker, there were photos. We were forewarned. Leaving the room was an option. I couldn’t leave. I had to know what a dead body really looks like. I didn’t exactly enjoy the experience, but it felt necessary. And when I had a Sheriff Deputy come through my line at the grocery store I did take advantage of the opportunity to ask him jurisdiction questions. We can’t help ourselves. Curiosity may have killed the cat but—I wonder where that phrase comes from. Excuse me while I go look it up…
Loved the post as always!
#17 by Cecilia Marie Pulliam on March 24, 2016 - 12:04 pm
Two things: One: I married a cop. Sleeping with the enemy is actually pretty thrilling. 😉. Love to throw scenarios at him and listen to his responses. Second, my internet searches have probably landed me on several government watch lists. Oh well. Some of the sites my husband has shown me are a whole world away from what civilians usually get to see. 😀
#18 by Dan Frost on March 25, 2016 - 10:25 am
Will my name on government watch list help promote books?
#19 by Jerilyn Dufresne on March 24, 2016 - 12:12 pm
When I was writing book two I was researching poisons. I was reading a poison book on an airplane and sat by a man from the federal govt. who worked with poisons. “Serendipity,” I thought. Then I asked, “How would you kill someone with poison, if you had to?” He stopped talking to me. Even after I told him I was a writer.
#20 by Elisabeth Zguta on March 24, 2016 - 12:18 pm
Dead on.
#21 by Joy on March 24, 2016 - 12:28 pm
Blood spatter patterns, types of bombs and how much damage they make, impacts different calibers bullets have, what angle a knife would get lodged when thrown from different positions, how chloroform tastes/smells; these are all things I’ve had to research for my Christian romance novella. Another similarity between writers and serial killers is the whole writing on little scraps of paper, sticking them on the wall and then starting at them for days trying to organize our thoughts.
#22 by grcope on March 24, 2016 - 1:02 pm
Brilliant post, as always! I have to say, since I work for the government it makes me nervous to think that I might end up on some watchlist. But it doesn’t stop me! (Writers are perverse in more than ONE way, it seems.)
#23 by Talya on March 24, 2016 - 1:04 pm
Two things. 1. I tell people all the time that my characters talk to me. And they think I might be just a tad bit unstable. and 2. I’m completely convinced that Stephen King will snap and become a serial killer if we ever stop buying his books. Here’s hoping I never have to say “I told you so”.
#24 by Parlor of Horror on March 24, 2016 - 1:08 pm
I get caught staring at people or listening to their conversations and watching their facial expressions. I know people have given me that look at times that says, what is with this guy? Around Christmas I was looking up if ingesting a Poinsettia Plant can actually kill someone. That ought to put me on a watch list for sure, especially because I bought some plants the very next day (one for my wife and one for my mother-in-law, lol). Good times!
#25 by carolynmcb on March 24, 2016 - 1:17 pm
This is the perfect post! Just the other day a package of ground beef bleed all over the floor and there was I was analyzing directionality, blunt trauma force, splatter and amount of oxygen in the blood. I’ve learned how to track, how to root through other people’s garbage and when it’s allowed and why it should be done. I’ve sat in surveillance of people and followed them just to see if I’d be ‘made’. (I wasn’t)
I joke with friends and family, “Be nice to me. I can kill you 12 different ways and make it look like Winnie the Poo did it on the back of a unicorn!”
They never contradict me…
https://dragonquillca.wordpress.com/
#26 by lalouziane on March 24, 2016 - 1:33 pm
This is great. I admit when I first began writing I was embarrassed people I knew would read my books and think I was just an awful person. I finally got over that. This is hilarious and true. We have to put ourselves in situations that hopefully we would never actually be in. You know, in real life. All those little people in my head are a lot of fun some days. And they like being in my books. I know they do.
#27 by lalouziane on March 24, 2016 - 1:33 pm
Reblogged this on Swamp Sass and commented:
This is too fun. And too true.
#28 by Nickie Asher on March 24, 2016 - 1:34 pm
OMG so funny. Yes, I worry about my search history since I’m always looking for ways to torture and kill people. LOL
#29 by M Byerly on March 24, 2016 - 2:07 pm
I showed my mom this really cool book on poisons I’d just bought, and she said, “You’d better pray that I die of obviously natural causes, or you will be in so much trouble.”
Conversely, I was trying to get my older brother who was a boat expert to help me on the physics and damage of a small sailboat being run over by a much larger boat, and he couldn’t figure out how to create the mayhem I wanted. Him, I never feared.
What I’ve always found really funny is people’s reactions in person. I’m a middle-aged hobbit matron–tiny and plump with the kind of face and vibes that attracts timid children, pets, and confused tourists looking for directions, but I’ve had readers back away from me when they talk about my villain in STAR-CROSSED. There’s nothing like writing a sociopath who hates and kills men to make both sexes scared of a hobbit. (evil grin)
I hope the knee gets better or, at least less painful, soon.
#30 by maryblackhill on March 24, 2016 - 3:03 pm
1) writers marry engineers because they are the only people placid enough to put up with our weirdnesses (they are usually quite weird themselves) and our introverted tendencies without getting all crumpled up about it. Engineers are usually quite placid; they need to be. 2) I am seriously worried about our British police investigating my browsing history. I know exactly how much damage a .22 bullet can do inside a human skull because I’ve Googled it (the closest I could get was a hunter blog showing pics of the brain of a deer – but even so – ). Then there are the conversations with my husband (who owns rifles and know these things) over dinner. I also have pages devoted to the calculations of tidal drift, so when casting a body off cliffs on Orkney into the Scapa Flow it won’t be inconveniently washed up locally…. then there’s the obsessive haunting of police procedure website pages…. So glad to find I’m not alone….
#31 by mentzer2150 on March 24, 2016 - 3:46 pm
Back in 2008 I was researching the Salem Witch Trials and the book I brought with me to the elementary school (waiting to pick up my daughter) had a noose on the cover. Another Dad stood by me and asked me a question to which I answered then went back to my book. When I looked up, that Dad was standing on the other side of the room away from me.
Guess he saw the cover of the book.
#32 by ellenchauvet on March 24, 2016 - 4:39 pm
Reblogged this on Erotic Vampire and commented:
For all my friends and family who might think I’ve gone a little off the rails. Enjoy!
#33 by Flynn Gray on March 24, 2016 - 7:09 pm
Reblogged this on Flynn Gray and commented:
“Writers, if you are NOT on a government watch list? You’re doing it wrong.” – This post from Kristen Lamb just made my day, and I had to share it. Enjoy. ~ Flynn
#34 by Kassandra Lamb on March 24, 2016 - 7:21 pm
LMAO Especially liked the soap commercial. So what does that say about me?
#35 by ladyspiderwitch on March 24, 2016 - 7:30 pm
Yes i can summarize my novel in one sentence. A Witch saves a ghost from being cursed forever.
#36 by Georgina Cromarty on March 24, 2016 - 7:38 pm
Reblogged this on The Writing Chimp and commented:
Too true 🙂
#37 by Dr Anne on March 24, 2016 - 8:08 pm
Hi, I enjoyed reading this, never realised all these writers’ attributes before.
I am a doctor and have seen many dead people and post-mortems etc, but have never written about them. I mainly write short stories, in various genres. Also poetry, including tanka, and articles.
BTW, my former husband was an engineer, as is my current partner, my son, my daughter-in-law and her father! (None of them has the creative writing drive, although my partner is a better writer than me and is currently studying art and the classics since his retirement, so is not a typical engineer.)
#38 by Jenna Montes on March 24, 2016 - 8:14 pm
Wow – I’ve never had anyone describe me so perfectly, right down to marrying the engineer. Between wondering how to maim people in machines at work and telling people why their hypothetical murder would never work, I’m pretty sure I’ve frightened a lot of people. But that’s okay. I like to keep them guessing.
#39 by Author Mandy White on March 24, 2016 - 9:02 pm
If they could convict me based on my Google search history, I’d be behind bars… ahhh! Imagine the quality alone time I would have to spend pondering and writing… surrounded by real-life characters.
#40 by Susan Murrie Macdonald on March 24, 2016 - 9:14 pm
Reblogged this on Susan Macdonald's Blog and commented:
Some say being a writer is like being a deity — creator and destroyer of worlds. Kirsten Lamb says being a writer is like being a serial killer.
#41 by Susan Murrie Macdonald on March 24, 2016 - 9:16 pm
Now you’ve got me wondering if the FBI has a file on me … yet. Reblogged.
#42 by Bree Verity on March 24, 2016 - 10:20 pm
#6 Amazingly enough, I wrote this very thing on my blog last week when talking about constructing characters: “Some writers talk about having conversations with their characters in their heads. Personally, I think anyone who talks to imaginary people is an axe murderer waiting to happen. But that’s just my opinion. And when other authors tell me that they do, I smile and nod and stay very, very quiet, because I’m not that fond of axes through my skull.”
Now you confirm it. Must be true.
#43 by Tina on March 24, 2016 - 11:20 pm
Yeah, I married an engineer. He left because I watch too much ID. I’m watching it right now! (Motives & Murders)
#44 by The Ranting Monkey on March 24, 2016 - 11:29 pm
I’ve never had anyone overhear my murder plots but I count the number of times I’ve entered a google search and thought, “I hope no one checks my history,” and it had nothing to do with porn.
#45 by Botanist on March 25, 2016 - 12:35 am
Ever written some real-life acquaintance into your book just so you can inflict therapeutic pain on them?
Yeah, I worry about my Google search history too, sometimes. After all, who really needs to know how far away you have to be to survive a small nuclear blast? 🙂
#46 by jillianquinnauthor on March 25, 2016 - 1:03 am
Great post! I often wonder if my Google searches will get flagged by the FBI or NSA. Writers think and research the strangest things. I know we’re all guilty of this.
#47 by Richard Farr on March 25, 2016 - 2:39 am
This is encouraging. It means there’s hope that I might become a writer someday…
#48 by ellieholmesauthor on March 25, 2016 - 6:12 am
Fabulous post. Had me chuckling and nodding all the way through. I do a lot of my plotting on my daily commute and often think as I’m stuck in traffic and look around at the other drivers queuing around me “If you only knew what I’m thinking about right now” 🙂
#49 by Ken Hughes on March 25, 2016 - 8:19 am
Even when we aren’t doing a murder book, writers are scary folks: we look at everyone we meet and think “I know how he could be more interesting.” 🙂
(And if we *are* doing a murder book, that leads to “–and how he gets killed for it.”)
#50 by ladyspiderwitch on March 25, 2016 - 8:25 am
Depends on the genre but people do make good source material for murder victims, um, I mean writing
#51 by Kolin Mofield on March 25, 2016 - 9:46 am
LMAO Kristen! Too many times I have had to explain myself in stores, accident scenes or climbing in a freezer at the scratch and dent to see how it felt, etc. I was in Bed, Bath and Beyond and they had these great marble rolling pins. I said to my companion (can’t remember now who) that this would be an awesome murder weapon, heavy and the blood would wash right off. The clerk in the store wouldn’t ring up my purchase and I had to explain to the Manager why I would make a comment like that. I thought he was going to call the police. LOL I joined my local small town PD to be “in the club” to ensure I got all the details, they won’t just share with anyone and many remain my friends today. I think they just want a lead role in one of my novels. I have your article hanging on my bulletin board in the office of my normal job as accounts payable executive (APE). Yep, nice, normal and boring except in my imagination! Lori Kolin Mofield writing as Kolin Mofield
#52 by Dan Frost on March 25, 2016 - 10:14 am
I thought I felt someone watching me at the autopsies.
#53 by warjna on March 25, 2016 - 1:32 pm
AWESOME post, Kristen! You had me nodding and grinning all the way through. Hearing voices? Yep. Pushing our victims until just before that last spark of hope dies? Yep. Using the receipts as bookmarks? Yes, definitely – that got a belly laugh, because that’s what I’m using today. Females and males can both also be seen frequenting home stores and hardware stores, hefting tools with speculative looks in their eyes (or was that an avid gleam?). Angels and Devils? OH, yeah! Had to go back and tweak the villain AND the story so that finally he’d make that one mistake that would tie him in after fourteen years of Getting Away With It All. I’m saving this post!
#54 by abbiejohnsontaylor on March 25, 2016 - 2:09 pm
Reblogged this on Abbie's Corner of the World and commented:
I belong to a group of fiction writers that meets once a week by phone conference to critique each other’s work. Before we switched to a phone conferencing service, we used Team Talk, a computer program that allows users to chat. One day several years ago, whoever set up our virtual room forgot to password protect it. In the midst of critiquing a piece where a murder was being planned, an unfamiliar voice said, “Hey, I’m from Canada. What’s going on here?”
To make a long story short, thankfully, I’m not writing this from Death Row, but that was close. Those who write violent fiction can only hope that they don’t end up on the FBI’s most wanted list, but according to this article, if you’re not on such a list, you’re doing it wrong. I think I’ll stick to what I’ve been writing, thank you very much.
#55 by abbiejohnsontaylor on March 25, 2016 - 2:29 pm
Thank you for an interesting post. I just re-blogged it at http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com . I’m not working on a novel right now so there’s no need to put my name in the hat for a free novel critique. Your post was fun to read and share.
#56 by lvgaudet on March 25, 2016 - 2:48 pm
Reblogged this on The intangible world of the literary mind.
#57 by Debbie Johansson on March 25, 2016 - 5:51 pm
This is me! I watch so many mysteries and crime shows, my husband tells me I look at them to work out the different ways to bump him off. 😉
Sorry to hear you’re not well Kristen – I hope you’re feeling better soon!
#58 by hmc1944 on March 25, 2016 - 6:30 pm
Enjoyed reading your blog as i haven’t had much time on my hands. began writing my first novel years ago when the idea popped in my head. A friend has been editing my novel and hope to be finished soon. I blew up detectives, had the FBI under investigation as Satan used an IP address that went to their headquarters in Dallas. Ancient evil using modern technology for his goals, only to be thwarted by a 17 year old girl. Have even started a sequel to it.
#59 by Penelope Baldwin on March 26, 2016 - 12:31 am
That’s really funny. I did a lot of research for my book on drug charges and what will get you thrown in jail. At one point a notification popped up that said, “this site wants to know your location.” I shut it down right away and told my husband, “I think I’m on some kind of police watch list know.
#60 by Hanna Elizabeth on March 26, 2016 - 1:27 am
I had to take my BFF to a doctors appointment a couple of weeks ago and when I was online looking at the map, planning how to get there, I found out the county coroner was right. across. the road. While informing her of this factoid (and maybe sharing my desire to watch an autopsy up close and personal), she freaked out and asked if we could stop talking about it because it was making her sick. That’s right, even my bestest friend and biggest fan, has to tell me to stop sometimes.
#61 by Rob Kraitt on March 26, 2016 - 6:04 pm
Ouch! This is too close to home. And, in my book, I killed a family only to bring them back to life as decomposing ghosts with a message from beyond the grave. What does that say about me? Great post! New to this so not sure how to share…
#62 by thewriteedge on March 27, 2016 - 11:02 pm
First, Kristen, so sorry to hear about your knee! I hope you feel better soon. Have you made it through all of the flavors of ice cream in the store yet? (I figure since you can’t move around too much, and you probably need to ice the knee down anyway, you could probably balance the ice cream tub…while you…never mind.)
Second, I think it’s totally unfair and biased to single out AT&T customer service reps as potential victims. I’ve talked to plenty of customer service reps from a variety of companies who could fit the bill. Prejudice isn’t a good thing.
#63 by Deborah Makarios on March 28, 2016 - 12:26 am
“Female -serial-killers- writers can often be spotted wandering around a craft store talking to the yarn.” Not just me, then. And I bet you wouldn’t catch a real, er, writer using those sissy plastic needles, either. Call that a weapon? You’d be better off with a crochet hook!
#64 by Estrella Azul on March 28, 2016 - 3:45 am
Oh, this is spot on and so fun to read!
In one of my very first flash fiction pieces I described in very much detail how to carve a terrific pumpkin – before revealing it was a human head my killer was carving. My comment section was filled with “I did NOT see that one coming”!
#65 by Amber on March 28, 2016 - 5:39 pm
I couldn’t post this on my FB and tag appropriate writer friends quickly enough! More than once, I’ve prayed the NSA were busy with someone else before I hit enter on a search. Maybe my jokes about it on Twitter right after I do those searches is enough to keep me out of jail?
(My very first draft of my very first book, I was kind to my characters. A friend brutally critiqued it. I cried, and then flipped my sadist switch. And never flipped it back. I swear I’m a nice-ish person, but writing is always done with a voice in my head asking if I’ve missed any chances to hurt people or ruin their lives. So, I usually end each writing session by apologising to my characters…)
(Ugh. It’s not letting me post. Hopefully, this isn’t just posting a million copies…)
#66 by kimwrtr on March 29, 2016 - 12:17 am
Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Blog.
#67 by Daniel Allen Butler on March 30, 2016 - 1:05 am
Yep. that’s just about right….
#68 by Sheila M. Good, Author on March 30, 2016 - 7:35 pm
Love, love, love this. LMAO as I read. My husband has told all the kids, “If anything happens to me, Sheila did it.” and, speaking of Discovery ID channel, I was watching one of my favorite detective shows and the FBI was searching a suspect (serial killer) home. They began pulling books from his shelf, stating the title. With each book, I said, “Got that one, yep, that one, oh yeah that one.”
If the FBI were to ever pull my library record, or search my computer, I’m toast. LOL. Reblogged this on Cow Pasture Chronicles
#69 by Author Kristen Lamb on March 30, 2016 - 7:56 pm
LOL! That would be me, too!
#70 by Sheila M. Good, Author on March 30, 2016 - 7:39 pm
Reblogged this on COW PASTURE CHRONICLES and commented:
This post by Kristin Lamb is so, me! Don’t judge; the darkness is in all of us. Some of us writers like exploring that side a bit more than others.
#71 by aurorajeanalexander on April 1, 2016 - 4:30 pm
Reblogged this on Writer's Treasure Chest and commented:
Another great and unique blog post, written by Kristen Lamb. She’s such an amazing teacher, writer and blogger. Check out the 13 ways writers are mistaken for Serial Killers according to Kristen.
#72 by Leila on July 8, 2016 - 3:35 pm
Oh my! I know exactly how this feels. I only ever use private browser now because my friend went to google something on my phone and saw search results such as ‘How to remove blood from a carpet’ and ‘The most efficient way to dispose of a corpse.’ I just hope she believed that I’m not actually a murderer and that I’m just writing about a murder.
#73 by Melissa on October 22, 2016 - 4:17 pm
Awesome!
#74 by Stacy on November 28, 2016 - 3:35 pm
Ha! Spot on.
You ought to see my Google search history. Poisons, weapons, torture devices used 100+ years ago and other crazy items that killers use.
And, I watch every episode of “Law & Order: SVU” and “NCIS”. I learn some pretty awesome terminology and get some good ideas.
I could never do these terrible things but my character’s can. 😉
#75 by slightlyevilbooksandwriting on January 31, 2017 - 2:07 pm
This. Is. Great.
#76 by slightlyevilbooksandwriting on January 31, 2017 - 2:09 pm
Oops I forgot to link back to your blog ☺☺https://melissastarrblog.wordpress.com/2016/10/22/13-ways-writers-are-mistaken-for-serial-killers-kristen-lambs-blog/
#77 by Stacy on February 1, 2017 - 5:53 am
Oh, my word. I wonder if I’m on a watch list. I never even thought twice to google ‘poisons hard to trace’, ‘poisons injected’, ‘effects of consuming ___________ poison’, how much force to crack a skull’-yeah, I’m morbidly curious-‘police codes’, etc.
I am a sucker for whodunits. ‘Diagnosis Murder’, Perry Mason’, ‘Garage Sale Mysteries’, ‘Murder She Baked’, ‘Framed For Murder’, ‘Aurora Teagarden Mysteries’, ‘Gourmet Detective Mysteries’, ‘Flower Shop Mysteries’ and more.
One of my favorite series to read is Diane Mott Davidson’s culinary Mysteries.
For me, if I want to write a good mystery novel, I need to immerse myself in that world.
As far as addictions, I don’t smoke or drink but I do have over 1,600 books in my library. I have a variety of genres.
This may sound strange. Well, maybe not so much to you guys. I find the best way to get inspired and have the ideas flow like like crazy is doing tedious chores. Hand washing dishes, scrubbing the toilet, dusting. Boring tasks allow me to daydream about characters, settings and so on.
But, if I’m watching TV or playing a hidden object game, my mind is stimulated and focused on that instead of writing.
I do need music. Different types of music go with a certain genre I’m writing.
I wrote a Paranormal Romance werewolf novella because of just one song I heard and one model that fit my ‘Trevor’ to perfection. Not to mention, I wanted to write about something other than vampires.
I was so immersed, excited and passionate about that book. And the woman who reviewed it from PRG must have picked up on that.
Now, I am working on a mystery novel. I have more morbid googling to do.
Government Watchlist, here I come. 🙂