Thank you Hypervocal for this week’s forecast.
It is December 20th! Technically, this is our last day, folks, so I figured I’d squeeze in one final blog. If the Mayans are indeed correct about this being the end of the world, then I have good news and bad news. Good news is I don’t have to do laundry *happy dance*. Bad news is, we probably asked for this *sad face*.
Don’t believe me? Well, here are the Top 12 Reasons Earth is begging for annihilation.
12. Bad Driving
Texting while driving. Obnoxiously passing others at high speed…only to have to stop at the red light. Tailgating. Road rage.
Basically, life forms who can’t be trusted to park, can’t be trusted with a planet.
So, YOU! Homedude! The one who’s driven the past fourteen miles with your turn signal on? Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Yes, the end is near and we asked for it. You can partly thank The Big Six, or was it The Medium Five? Spiffy Four? I can’t keep up. Anyway, Tori Spelling’s biography was just taunting the fates, but Snooki? We asked for it. Most Hollywood portrayals of apocalyptic events show New York as the epicenter for destruction. Likely, this is because they received advance copies of THIS:
Earth’s destruction? Now a “Shore” thing. Thanks, New York Publishing. Thanks a lot.
10. Vampire Woman
Dubbed to World’s Most Tatooed woman, the Vampire Woman has endured countless body modifications in honor of her Aztec, Inca, and MAYAN ancestors. Face it, folks. Maria Jose Cristerna is the Mayan’s way of saying, “Kiss your a$$es good-bye!”
9. Toddlers and Tiaras–Reality Show? Train Wreck? More Like “Pedophile Playboy” Channel
Sure, dress up your 5-year-old little girls like hookers. Spray tans, lots of makeup, high heels, fake nails, skimpy outfits. Why should pedophiles take the trouble to stalk a school to get their jollies when they can buy a whole season of your depraved show?
You people are SICK and we deserve what we get.
8. The Vajazzle
Children are starving, the elderly are alone and forgotten, depression is rampant, yet we spend our spare money and free time decorating lady-parts? Yes, we asked for it.
7. Justin Bieber
What else, other than the planet exploding, can stop this @$$clown from making more music?
6. Bad Weaves
All gals want to look their best. Sometimes, nature shortchanges us so we need some “enhancement.” False eyelashes, padded bras, Spanx, and the occasional hairpiece, but…
WTH? Is a that her hair or is a Wookie trying to mate with her?
5. Bagel Heads
And we thought the Vajazzle was the EPIC Free Time Fail. Bagel Heads? Your bagels are toast. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
4. The Shake Weight
The human race has a glorious history of creating art forms that demanded peak fitness and demonstrated the beauty of the human physique–the marathon, the Olympics, ballet, figure skating, gymnastics and acrobatics. Yet, to challenge the human body, we now have…The Shake Weight, a workout so obscene it needs COMET, or rather, A COMET to remove the STAIN from the fabric of space-time.
3. People of Wal Mart
Intelligent life has been monitoring the Internet for signs that we are an advanced society. Unfortunately for us, they signed up for Facebook where they stumbled across a link to the People of Wal Mart. This was the evidence they needed to show the Alien High Command that something had gone horribly wrong with Project Earth, and that it was time to hit the RESET…with phasers on KILL.
2. Wrong Color Brat
The Universe gave this little b!#$@’s parents an EPIC FAIL in child rearing and decided it was time to give her something to cry about….
1. The Bed Intruder Song
Face it, Folks. Total annihilation is the only way to get this song out of our heads.
Hide your kids, hide your wife…
Okay, my list is surely incomplete. What are some other reasons you think that, if the end really is near, we totally DESERVE it? Is it The Snuggie? Chia Pets? Carrot Top? Come on! How are we just begging for the Universe to hit DELETE?
I love hearing from you!
To prove it and show my love, for the month of December, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.
I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).
And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.
At the end of December I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!
I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.