The End is Near and We Deserve It–The Top 12 Reasons Earth Deserves Annihilation

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Thank you Hypervocal for this week’s forecast.

It is December 20th! Technically, this is our last day, folks, so I figured I’d squeeze in one final blog. If the Mayans are indeed correct about this being the end of the world, then I have good news and bad news. Good news is I don’t have to do laundry *happy dance*. Bad news is, we probably asked for this *sad face*.

Don’t believe me? Well, here are the Top 12 Reasons Earth is begging for annihilation.

12. Bad Driving

Texting while driving. Obnoxiously passing others at high speed…only to have to stop at the red light. Tailgating. Road rage.

Basically, life forms who can’t be trusted to park, can’t be trusted with a planet.

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So, YOU! Homedude! The one who’s driven the past fourteen miles with your turn signal on? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

11.Unauthorized Should-NEVER-Have-Been-Authorized-Biographies

Yes, the end is near and we asked for it. You can partly thank The Big Six, or was it The Medium Five? Spiffy Four? I can’t keep up. Anyway, Tori Spelling’s biography was just taunting the fates, but Snooki? We asked for it. Most Hollywood portrayals of apocalyptic events show New York as the epicenter for destruction. Likely, this is because they received advance copies of THIS:

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Earth’s destruction? Now a “Shore” thing. Thanks, New York Publishing. Thanks a lot.

10. Vampire Woman

Dubbed to World’s Most Tatooed woman, the Vampire Woman has endured countless body modifications in honor of her Aztec, Inca, and MAYAN ancestors. Face it, folks. Maria Jose Cristerna is the Mayan’s way of saying, “Kiss your a$$es good-bye!”

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Who’s laughing now?

9. Toddlers and Tiaras–Reality Show? Train Wreck? More Like “Pedophile Playboy” Channel

Sure, dress up your 5-year-old little girls like hookers. Spray tans, lots of makeup, high heels, fake nails, skimpy outfits. Why should pedophiles take the trouble to stalk a school to get their jollies when they can buy a whole season of your depraved show?

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You people are SICK and we deserve what we get.

8. The Vajazzle

Children are starving, the elderly are alone and forgotten, depression is rampant, yet we spend our spare money and free time decorating lady-parts? Yes, we asked for it.

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 9.14.13 AM

7. Justin Bieber

What else, other than the planet exploding, can stop this @$$clown from making more music?

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Gangsta? You’re joking, right?

6. Bad Weaves

All gals want to look their best. Sometimes, nature shortchanges us so we need some “enhancement.” False eyelashes, padded bras, Spanx, and the occasional hairpiece, but…

WTH? Is a that her hair or is a Wookie trying to mate with her?

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 9.42.35 AM

Get that thing a flea collar while ur here.

5. Bagel Heads

And we thought the Vajazzle was the EPIC Free Time Fail. Bagel Heads? Your bagels are toast. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

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4. The Shake Weight

The human race  has a glorious history of creating art forms that demanded peak fitness and demonstrated the beauty of the human physique–the marathon, the Olympics, ballet, figure skating, gymnastics and acrobatics. Yet, to challenge the human body, we now have…The Shake Weight, a workout so obscene it needs COMET, or rather, A COMET to remove the STAIN from the fabric of space-time.

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 9.20.28 AM

From the look on his face, I give him 3…

3. People of Wal Mart

Intelligent life has been monitoring the Internet for signs that we are an advanced society. Unfortunately for us, they signed up for Facebook where they stumbled across a link to the People of Wal Mart. This was the evidence they needed to show the Alien High Command that something had gone horribly wrong with Project Earth, and that it was time to hit the RESET…with phasers on KILL.

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 9.45.34 AM

2. Wrong Color Brat

The Universe gave this little b!#$@’s parents an EPIC FAIL in child rearing and decided it was time to give her something to cry about….

1. The Bed Intruder Song

Face it, Folks. Total annihilation is the only way to get this song out of our heads.

Hide your kids, hide your wife…

Okay, my list is surely incomplete. What are some other reasons you think that, if the end really is near, we totally DESERVE it? Is it The Snuggie? Chia Pets? Carrot Top? Come on! How are we just begging for the Universe to hit DELETE?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of December, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novelor your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of December I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

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  1. #1 by David Balthrop on December 20, 2012 - 11:58 am

    Kristen, thanks for “the end is near”. Enjoyed it! And yes, we probably all deserve it, but no one more than vampire woman.

  2. #2 by Candilynn Fite-Writer on December 20, 2012 - 12:02 pm

    Freaking hilarious!

  3. #3 by Carla on December 20, 2012 - 12:06 pm

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the Kardashian people! I am currently in Bangkok and it is 12:05 AM, the world outside my balcony seems ok.
    I will report with more news, since I am experiencing this first hand ;)
    Great post!

    • #4 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 20, 2012 - 12:08 pm

      Actually I was going to, but it started to look like Reality TV alone was responsible for the end.
      …but then again. Maybe we are on to something :D. THANKS!

      • #5 by Lanette Kauten on December 20, 2012 - 4:10 pm

        I think Reality TV is almost completely responsible for the end.

    • #6 by theliteratecondition on December 20, 2012 - 1:03 pm

      I stopped watching tv a while ago, when I started again recently, I heard “Kardashian” but of course had no idea what (or that it was a who) it was – all I could think of was the Cardassians from Deep Space Nine. Sadly, that is NOT what the show is about.. Would be a better show if it were.
      I’m in Madison, WI where we are in the midst of a blizzard! I’ve been periodically shoveling the wet, heavy snow so I don’t break my back doing it all at once (already eight inches this morning, and about three more since). Woke up to find a neighbor had snowblowed ours and a few other sidewalks. (We just moved this summer). That’s a small reason the world might not end tomorrow.

      • #7 by Lanette Kauten on December 20, 2012 - 4:11 pm

        I agree. Big fan of the Cardassians. However, the Kardashians…. not so much.

  4. #8 by Kathy McIntosh on December 20, 2012 - 12:08 pm

    Terrific! Thanks for a laugh this gray, busy morning.

  5. #9 by parajunkee on December 20, 2012 - 12:08 pm

    This was epic! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

  6. #10 by Elise Forier Edie on December 20, 2012 - 12:11 pm

    A wonderful load of “ick!” I will be thinking of you–and laughing–at the end of the world.

  7. #11 by iamplanetrawr on December 20, 2012 - 12:18 pm

    Nice. Obviously, I would add politics as the cause of everything mass destructive, but that’s obviously obvious.

  8. #12 by iamplanetrawr on December 20, 2012 - 12:19 pm

    Reblogged this on Planet Rawr.

  9. #13 by miss ashley on December 20, 2012 - 12:22 pm

    I laughed so hard I nearly cried. I can’t think of any to add. Wow. So great.

  10. #14 by chris9911 on December 20, 2012 - 12:22 pm

    funny, sad, depressing, etc… overall, you nailed it on the head!

  11. #15 by Samuel Solomon on December 20, 2012 - 12:27 pm

    The great Pacific garbage patch- a swamp of plastics twice the size of Texas.

    but that’s not why.

    The reason why: there are actually 4 others just like it in different oceans.

    Makes you wonder- how much more trash is out there that didn’t float?

  12. #16 by Michelle Proulx on December 20, 2012 - 12:33 pm

    I had no idea “bagel head” was a thing. That’s so weird … :S

  13. #17 by Jeannine Bergers Everett on December 20, 2012 - 12:44 pm

    I would add dyeing your cats and allowing a reality show to choose your spouse to the list. I’m going to go buy some cupcakes. If this is my last day, I’m eating whatever I want.

  14. #18 by renée a. schuls-jacobson on December 20, 2012 - 12:51 pm

    Great. Now I have to Google “Bagel Head.” Whaaaaaat? What is that? Only 12 more hours to find out. Meanwhile, I’m flying tonight, and if this shizzy does go down. Please know, I loved you. ;-)

  15. #20 by Jae on December 20, 2012 - 12:53 pm

    I was like “bagelheads, that can’t be real… oh! Oh….” Yeah, bring on the end of the world aliens, volcanoes, whatever it is.

  16. #21 by Morgyn on December 20, 2012 - 12:57 pm

    Aargh, LOL!

  17. #22 by Monique Headley on December 20, 2012 - 1:37 pm

    LOL! I needed this today. Thank you!

  18. #23 by aliceakemp on December 20, 2012 - 1:40 pm

    Shared on my Facebook page. What a riot, Kristen. Thanks for the laughs.
    Alice

  19. #24 by stephscottil on December 20, 2012 - 1:59 pm

    for my own sanity, Ihave to believe the girl freaking out over get a red car instead of a blue car is a hoax. It’s just too stupid.

    I’d like to defend Justin Bieber a second. He’s pretty talented. It’s pop music, and teeny bop, sure, but at least he sings and dances and doesn’t fake it like a lot of celebrities these days. Tweens need something for their own, why do we need to make fun of it? Now the Black Eyed Peas–there’s a hot mess. Their “music” is worsens exponentially. Ten years ago, they were a legit rap group, now they are the biggest joke in the industry!

    Happy end of days everyone!

    • #25 by Peggy Fleming on December 24, 2012 - 3:03 pm

      Spoiled girl video is a promotional for Domino’s Pizza. Follow-up video shows McKenzie selling her red car on e-bay for $9.99; she takes the money and buys a pizza. Oh, and gets her blue Saab. Video lost its context when I went viral.

      • #26 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 24, 2012 - 3:39 pm

        Hmm, interesting. I grew up in a school with a lot of girls like her (in real life). One threw a fit because she wanted a Mercedes and her parents got her a BMW. So can see why it might have been believable.

  20. #27 by Jessi Gage on December 20, 2012 - 2:02 pm

    And here I thought I was the only one with a bagel-shaped cranium.

  21. #28 by theoxherd on December 20, 2012 - 2:07 pm

    Donald Trump
    Beanie baby collectables
    Top 1% (hoarders)
    Book burners
    SpongeBob Squarepants
    (and the Teletubbies)
    The United States Congress
    Thank you for the light-hearted post…sorely needed by all.

  22. #29 by ShruTroup on December 20, 2012 - 2:21 pm

    Reblogged this on TroupinAround.

  23. #30 by Jennifer Lewis Oliver on December 20, 2012 - 2:22 pm

    Great post, Kristen. So here’s a couple of questions for you. What if the “end” didn’t kill everyone? Could you imagine being stuck on a destroyed planet with Snookie and Honey Boo Boo?
    We can only hope that a zombie apocalypse happens instead. At least shooting zombies would give us a fighting chance. I’m not sure I’d survive Snookie…

  24. #31 by kemcintosh47 on December 20, 2012 - 2:29 pm

    Loved this! I needed some humor this morning.

  25. #32 by ShruTroup on December 20, 2012 - 2:33 pm

    hahahah..thanks for the laughs! How about Mr. Trump?!

    Reblogged this on http://troupinaround.wordpress.com

  26. #33 by primalnights on December 20, 2012 - 2:34 pm

    I frequently look at a top 10/12 and think of several things more powerful or that I would have put up in stead. But your list is so awesome I couldnt top it! Total Awesomeness.

    • #34 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 20, 2012 - 2:35 pm

      LOL. AWESOME COMPLIMENT. THANKS!

  27. #35 by Inion N. Mathair on December 20, 2012 - 2:38 pm

    This is why we love you, Kristen. Mathair and I figured you pretty much had everything wrapped up, but then we came to this conclusion, the world’s too full of idiots and the proverbial “handbasket” is overflowing. Soon, it’s going to topple and take all of us normal people with it.

  28. #36 by colonialist on December 20, 2012 - 2:51 pm

    Compelling reasons, indeed. Sadly, there seems little indication that the demolition is going to be on schedule.

  29. #37 by alicamckennajohnson on December 20, 2012 - 3:09 pm

    You need a do not eat while reading warning- not only for the laughter but for the nausea. Also- I think Brain is awesome, good for him for not only filming but posting the video on line, I hope she was humiliated!

  30. #38 by Lanette Kauten on December 20, 2012 - 4:17 pm

    Is that a ferrari? Yep, someone’s world would end if he rolled over my ferrari (that is if I had one). Total agreement with number 9. I thought mothers were the protectors of children. What is wrong with those sick freaks who parade their own daughters in front of pedophiles?

    This is so funny I’m posting it on my FaceBook account. Thanks for the laugh.

  31. #39 by Katherine Bolger Hyde on December 20, 2012 - 4:20 pm

    The whole vampire/zombie craze was enough to tip it for me. I mean, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies??!! Surely people have something better to do with their time.

  32. #40 by char on December 20, 2012 - 4:21 pm

    I think you covered the whole spectrum (except for guys who wear their pants around their knees).

  33. #41 by Piper Bayard on December 20, 2012 - 4:41 pm

    *scratches bagel head from list of upcoming blogs*

  34. #42 by lenwilliamscarver on December 20, 2012 - 4:42 pm

    COUGARS..and not the in nature wildlife…the ones dressed like Walmart people
    Yes the SNUGGIE…can someone tell that person to turn their robe the correct way
    Two reality shows DUCK CALLS and REDNECK ISLAND oh wait PAWN WARS
    THE “Y” generation showing their ‘y’ with multi layered boxers, around the ankles pants
    The words “CONVERSATE” TAP THAT AND KICKS…conversation, sex, shoes
    Oh so much more but yours were funny and I loved it!!!

  35. #43 by reason#0 on December 20, 2012 - 4:56 pm

    Because it’s “Friday”. The song that ruined the day.

    • #44 by reason#0 on December 20, 2012 - 6:05 pm

      And Honey Boo Boo…

  36. #45 by Timothy (Tim) Riecker on December 20, 2012 - 5:43 pm

    Hilarious!

  37. #46 by Rachel Thompson on December 20, 2012 - 5:46 pm

    I can think of 100 reasons why the human races doesn’t deserve this planet. I’ll ad your suggestions to my list. Although my list isn’t funny.

  38. #47 by Debbie Herbert on December 20, 2012 - 5:53 pm

    The People of Wal-Mart site is hilarious! Oh my. The bad taste of it all.

  39. #48 by Honey Hutson on December 20, 2012 - 6:28 pm

    What was the Bagal thing about?

    ________________________________

    • #49 by Author Kristen Lamb on December 20, 2012 - 8:17 pm

      Who knows? Morons.

  40. #50 by Darlene L. Turner on December 20, 2012 - 6:58 pm

    Ha! Loved this post, Kristin. Thanks for making me laugh!! :-)

  41. #51 by nancyelauzon on December 20, 2012 - 7:38 pm

    Great list, Kristin. Here’s hoping we all live to write another blog after tomorrow!

  42. #52 by Michael Rochelle on December 20, 2012 - 8:29 pm

    Even worse than looking at the random folks on People of Walmart is finding YOURSELF on People of Walmart. We all know it’s happened to at least one person. LOL. (Mama, is that you?) Another reason we deserve the world’s end is when stores that specialize in one thing run out of that one thing. Has your KFC or Popeye’s ever run out of chicken? How does that happen??? LOL

  43. #53 by lccooper on December 20, 2012 - 10:29 pm

    Oh, this one is way too easy, and I’m surprised you overlooked it. The 12 reasons you list are, indeed, hideous, but if they didn’t prompt the aliens to vaporize Earth, then the kiss of death must be “social media.”

    Twitter: Those idiots who “follow” tens of thousands of twitter turds, and click to follow me, expecting me to reciprocate, thus adding me to his/her list of bajillion followers to spam.

    FaceBook: The aliens should first eat the flesh off of those who plaster my wall with their click-and-forget “Likes.” I will NEVER care that “Dana ‘Likes’ Alpo Chicken Chunks” or that your cheating husband is your “soul mate” and likes his eggs poached. It’s all bullcrap, and you defilers of my wall should, ala Mayan tradition, be our first round of human sacrifices.

    Then, there are those who clog the pores of the internet with their butt-kissing drivel posted into snarky blogs. Please (a) kiss alien butt and die, and (b) take those with you who create snarky blogsites!

  44. #54 by sparkyleegeek on December 21, 2012 - 12:58 am

    That was great- I really enjoyed your article :)

  45. #55 by colinfalconer on December 21, 2012 - 1:37 am

    Love this, Kristen! The wrong color brat is worth an apocalypse on her own. I’d also point to the Taliban, Chris Brown and Rihanna, not necessarily in that order.

  46. #56 by Julie Glover on December 21, 2012 - 9:17 am

    I looked that bagel head thing up, and now I will be cringing all day when it pops into my head. Thanks for that, Kristen! :p

    Great list! I would add the Westboro Baptist Church (these people DO NOT represent my religion), Lady Gaga’s meat dress, and super-low skinny jeans.

  47. #57 by Grass Oil by Molly Field on December 21, 2012 - 10:19 am

    comment cannot i. i words the words lost words sentence comprehend structure. picture truck vampire ferrari snooki saab.

  48. #58 by Trula Varnum on December 21, 2012 - 1:43 pm

    I really, really want my name in the hat three times. I don’t EVER want a bagel head. You are so funny. And, I really do need to buy your book ’cause I’m not confident about if I actually linked to your blog from my blog properly.

  49. #59 by Lin Barrett on December 21, 2012 - 1:48 pm

    I do believe I must go and change my underwear. Thanks for a great laugh, and a huge thought-provoking, Kristen.

  50. #60 by hcfbutton on December 21, 2012 - 4:15 pm

    Um… Gunham style? Or however you spell that and all it’s spoofs…

  51. #61 by PA Lassiter on December 21, 2012 - 10:15 pm

    Having recently been told by someone “in the know” that I must have a Twitter handle and a Facebook page in order to start making “friends” and hawking the book that isn’t finished yet because in our low-attention-span 3rd millennial culture it’s easier for people just to hit Like than to scroll down and write English words even though they come visit your well-crafted well-executed website which has SIX books worth of free fanfiction & constantly harrass you to “write this!” “write that!” like you have all the time in the world to ghost their crappy ideas because you’re a writer you must need ideas (right?) when you already have 500K of your own that you will never live long enough to even summarize in a synopsis and they don’t even give you a comment reach-around after Kristin Stewart-style raping your site sneaking in and reading your 100,000 words multiple times then abandon you when you take a holiday break or try posting something original cuz all they really want is Edward Edward Edward well I was right I should have told that know-it-all someone to f**k off because now I do have a Twitter handle two Facebook pages a Pinterest account a fanfiction site and a blog to recommend my favorite erotic fiction (having been too ignorant to find Goodreads before rolling my own and stupidly thinking I might make more than twenty cents per week as an Amazon Affiliate) not to mention keeping up said Goodreads account and now find myself addicted to a BDSM role-playing site on Twitter and can’t force myself to turn off the “grabbing the lube and warming it in my hands” tweets even though my word count has dropped to zero and I forgot to order my meds.

    This was a really really good post, Kristen, and thank you very much for your insite (“insight” for tweet-twits) and sense of humor. My MS needs a big edit so I better go get something done before Atlas shrugs. Yeah, we deserve it.

  52. #62 by Kenra Daniels on December 22, 2012 - 2:39 pm

    Great post, Kristen! but you forgot the people who have nothing better to do than spend hours upon hours digging up every iota of the lives of celebs! Srsly? Who gives a crap how many squares of toilet paper Lady Gaga uses to wipe her a$$? I guarantee several someones out there do give a crap, and use the same number themselves, just to be like her.

    The list is endless, unfortunately, and your Top 12 is a good place to start.

    Kenra

  53. #63 by mrsbongle on December 26, 2012 - 1:47 pm

    I was beginning to think I was the only person on Earth who detested Justin Bieber!

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