Slave to Perfection & The Dangers of Comparing Ourselves with Others

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-9-25-04-am

Last night I watched the movie Bad Moms and it was a great movie. Brain candy. A lot of laughs. Nothing too deep…well, maybe a little deep. One of the areas the movie explored is how in this age we are all killing ourselves to reach some unreachable Photoshopped standard. The New Yorker even did a post called How Facebook Makes Us Unhappy which highlighted the growing problem of social comparison.

And I will admit that even I have to be careful. It is tough not to compare my size 12 middle-aged body to my friends who had a baby and instantly went back to a Size 2. It’s tough when I see pictures of a friend’s house and it looks like a Good Housekeeping spread and mine is covered in Cheeze-Its and a sticky film we have yet to explain.

I have elves.

But instead of Overly Responsible Greatest Generation Ever Elves the shoemaker got, I got the Bratty Entitled Millennial Elves who just want to watch streaming video when they aren’t making nachos or tipping over my neatly stacked towels…and wiping their sour cream covered hands on them.

Seriously, It is RIDICULOUS

I live in an apron. Even sitting at the computer. I write for an hour then get up and stretch by tidying. My mom even picked on me and said I had to make sure to never take off my apron because she might not recognize me.

ME, every frigging Monday.

ME, every frigging Monday.

And yet my home is so, so far from those pictured in Pinterest.

How I long to have a master bedroom that is a sanctuary (a.k.a. an “adult” bedroom). You know, the kind of room with blown glass vases of peonies and carefully arranged stacks of books that make me look super smart. Stuff that won the Pulitzer but in reality put me to sleep by page three.

My sheets are stuffed with crumbs and Legos and a dog that get’s super pissy when you try to make the bed.

I went on an organizing spree a year ago and found one of those doo-dads that hangs in your closets, like soft shelves (a.k.a. Poor Man’s California Closet). Anyway, I neatly folded all the scarves that had been taking up so much room in my dresser.

GO ME! I look like a real adult!

Until the cat climbed it, tossed the scarves on the floor (except the ones he kept for his new nest).

Shoot…me…now.

I don’t know. I remember being young and blaming all of this on being young. When I grew up, this would all be different and I would have my $#!& together but the hard truth is I think I very briefly did get my $#!& together back some time in 2011 then put it in a place I would remember where I put it…and now I can’t find it.

I struggle every day to recognize when I am being a lunatic. I only have so much to give and I need to be mindful where I put my energy because “Perfect” is the enemy of the good. “Perfect” will bash your self-esteem, wreck your relationships, and kill your dreams. No one can live up to perfect. And when we are trying to live up to perfect we are being crazy and us being crazy makes everyone around us a little crazy too.

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-9-33-27-am

“Perfect” is an especially dangerous enemy these days in an era where we can use filters and tools to make life rose-colored all the time. That perfectly staged picture of a friend’s new living room set that makes your guts twist? Just be happy for her and secretly know that she probably screamed at all her kids to throw the laundry that had been on the couch for six days into the tub so she could get a picture…then used the Lo-Fi filter for extra pizazz (and to blur that weird stain that smells like chili into retro shadow).

#MyLifeSucksAndINeedLikesOnThisPicSoIDoNotBreakDown

I think that sometimes, if we back away and look at WHY many people are posting this stuff, it makes sense to lighten up on ourselves. We live in a world that expects us to be adults (Sucks, right? I know). But often the problem with being an adult is that somewhere people stopped believing we needed compliments and affirmation.

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-9-34-24-am

If we do a great job at work, who cares? We are being paid. Our paycheck is supposed to be enough. We didn’t fire you, right? 

If the house is clean when our family gets home? There’s not a treat basket we get to reach in and get a cool unicorn pencil or kissing lips eraser and that is fundamentally WRONG.

#IWantPuffyStickers

My husband loves me whether I wear the same pair of pajamas for five days straight because it is NaNo or whether I dress up and often? He doesn’t even recognize the difference.

So if I hope to hear, “You look fantastic!” with any kind of enthusiasm? Yep. Facebook.

No one gives me a sticker that reads, “Your Kid is Alive Another Day! YOU ROCK!” or “You Remembered to Pay the Water BEFORE the City Turned It Off! GO YOU!”

And it can get really discouraging sometimes.

The same can happen in the world of writing.

Don’t compare your everyday life with another author’s “highlight reel.”

I read a crazy amount of books and it’s so easy to get discouraged with the What was I thinking? I suuuuck. I can’t wriiiiiite. But here is the deal, I am not downloading Michael Connelly’s first draft-as-audio-book onto my phone. I am listening to a finished product.

Even if our final draft isn’t as good as INSERT HERO AUTHOR HERE’s work, remember they probably didn’t start out writing that way. They had a learning curve too. Stephen King started writing as a kid. He’d written millions of words and countless stories before Carrie ever came along. Dean Koontz wrote under a pseudonym for years, books that for a long time he really didn’t even like laying claim to.

Natural talent is like a diamond. Found in the natural it looks like a hunk of glass. It takes a lot of chipping away and cutting and polishing before it is seen as anything of value.

So if you are doing NaNoWriMo, fantastic! But perfect is the enemy of the good. Many won’t finish because they just won’t frigging lighten up on themselves. Yes, the house will probably be messy and the kids sticky and wear shoes because I guarantee the cat will puke (in the middle of the night because cats cannot puke in sunlight or on anything but carpet).

Remember that anything on Facebook is often a “highlight reel” because we live in a world where we feel stretched thinner and thinner and often we feel invisible. We sometimes just need that GO YOU! And if we can see that is often what others are needing, then it is easier to stop comparing ourselves because we fed our kid Quick Trip donuts for breakfast instead of a gluten-free dairy-free fritatta with pine nuts off a recipe we saved on Pinterest.

So lighten up. Breathe. Have fun and give yourself a compliment today. Give someone else a compliment. Heck we all need it. In fact, here is a song to remind you…

What are your thoughts? Do you find yourself goofing off too much on social media because you really feel down and just need some affirmation? I do, too. We just need to make sure the short-term thrill isn’t stealing a long-term dream with longer-lasting rewards.

Do you feel burned out and stressed out and you deep down know you are doing it to yourself? That you are being ridiculous? Do you struggle with comparing yourself to your author heroes? Do you find yourself in the habit of perfectionism? Are you like me and harder on yourself than you are on others (which is no great prize because you are just a meth-fueled lunatic with yourself)?

I love hearing from you!

And to prove it and show my love, for the month of NOVEMBER, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

TREAT YOURSELF!!!! Check out the Upcoming Classes

Remember that ALL CLASSES come with a FREE RECORDING so you can listen over and over. So even if you can’t make it because the holidays are crazy? No excuses! Take time to be good to yourself!

Important Class for After NaNoWriMo! You might have a New Year’s Resolution to query a novel. Doesn’t matter. Treat yourself to an early Christmas present!

Pitch Perfect—How to Write a Query Letter & Synopsis that SELLS

Class Title: Pitch Perfect—How To Write a Query Letter & Synopsis that SELLS
Instructor: Kristen Lamb
Price: $45 USD Standard
Where: W.A.N.A. Digital Classroom
When: FRIDAY December 2nd, 2015 7:00 PM E.S.T. to 9:00 P.M. EST

You’ve written a novel and now are faced with the two most terrifying challenges all writers face. The query and the synopsis.

Query letters can be daunting. How do you sell yourself? Your work? How can you stand apart without including glitter in your letter?

***NOTE: DO NOT PUT GLITTER IN YOUR QUERY.

Good question. We will cover that and more!

But sometimes the query is not enough.

Most writers would rather cut their wrists with a spork than be forced to write the dreaded…synopsis. Yet, this is a valuable skills all writers should learn. Synopses are often requested by agents and editors and it is tough not to feel the need to include every last little detail. Synopses are great for not only keeping your writing on track, but also for pitching your next book and your next to that agent of your choice.

This class will help you learn the fundamentals of writing a query letter and a synopsis. What you must include and what doesn’t belong.

So make your writing pitch perfect with these two skills!

Plotting for Dummies

Class Title: Plotting for Dummies
Instructor: Kristen Lamb
Price: $35 USD Standard
Where: W.A.N.A. Digital Classroom
When: SATURDAY December 3rd, 2016 2:30 PM E.S.T. to 4:30 P.M. EST

Are you tired of starting book after book only to lose steam and be unable to finish? Do you finish, but then keep getting rejected? Do you finish, but it takes an ungodly amount of time? Sure, great you land an agent for your book, but you don’t have FIVE YEARS to write the next one?

This class is here to help. The writers who are making an excellent income are not doing it off ONE book, rather they are harnessing the power of compounded sales. This class is designed to help you learn to plot leaner, meaner, faster and cleaner (even for PANTSERS!)

Learn the basic elements of plot, various plotting techniques, how to test your seed idea to see if it is even strong enough to be a novel and MORE!

Blogging for Authors

Class Title: Blogging for Authors
Instructor: Kristen Lamb
Price: $50 USD Standard
Where: W.A.N.A. Digital Classroom
When: FRIDAY December 9th, 7:00 PM E.S.T. to 9:00 P.M. EST

Blogging is one of the most powerful forms of social media. Twitter could flitter and Facebook could fold but the blog will remain so long as we have an Internet. The blog has been going strong since the 90s and it’s one of the best ways to establish a brand and then harness the power of that brand to drive book sales.

The best part is, done properly, a blog plays to a writer’s strengths. Writers write.

The problem is too many writers don’t approach a blog properly and make all kinds of mistakes that eventually lead to blog abandonment. Many authors fail to understand that bloggers and author bloggers are two completely different creatures.

This class is going to cover:

How author blogs work. What’s the difference in a regular blog and an author blog?
What are the biggest mistakes/wastes of time?
How can you effectively harness the power of algorithms (no computer science degree required)?
What do you blog about? What topics will engage readers and help create a following?
How can you harness your author voice using a blog?
How can a blog can help you write leaner, meaner, faster and cleaner?
How do you keep energized years into your blogging journey?
How can a blog help you sell more books?
How can you cultivate a fan base of people who love your genre?
Blogging doesn’t have to be hard. This class will help you simplify your blog and make it one of the most enjoyable aspects of your writing career.

 

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook

, , , , , , ,

  1. #1 by kimberlywenzler on November 7, 2016 - 11:56 am

    I loved this post!!! And I so needed it today. Thank you!

  2. #2 by saralitchfield on November 7, 2016 - 12:02 pm

    Definitely forget to come down to earth sometimes when I’m marvelling at someone’s life on Instagram. I’ve just been at the Banff Film Festival and there was a great short film about this by an adventure / climbing photographer – John Price. It’s called At What Price and really worth a look. There’s often a schism between social media and real life. And a balance to be struck when ‘keeping it real’ – I want people to know they can have an amazing life and see amazing things every day – I have an amazing life and see amazing things every day so I know it’s possible. But I also don’t want people to falsely believe that Everything is sunflowers and rainbows. Everyone had troubles and challenges, and overcoming them is part of the journey… certainly not a part that should be edited out.

  3. #3 by Patricia Robertson on November 7, 2016 - 12:05 pm

    Love your comments about your house. Sounds like mine! Maybe some day I will have the Martha Stewart home .. . nah, not gonna happen!

    • #4 by Author Kristen Lamb on November 7, 2016 - 12:19 pm

      I have come to the conclusion that I can have a happy marriage and happy six-year-old or I can be a screaming lunatic alone with a clean house, a divorce and a kid in therapy,😀

  4. #6 by Dalindcy on November 7, 2016 - 12:09 pm

    Loved this post! What you said about comparing yourself to others on social media really resonated with me. I still struggle with it sometimes.

  5. #7 by sharonhughson on November 7, 2016 - 12:26 pm

    Thanks for the dose of reality with a side of sympathy all covered with the delicious gravy of laughter. You make my Monday worth getting up for.
    Now…off to tackle that ridiculous word count goal I’ve given myself so I can finish NaNo by November 21.

  6. #8 by Valley Brown on November 7, 2016 - 12:27 pm

    OMG. You so nailed it. I nearly caused a scene reading this post in a waiting room. It was hysterically “perfect”!

  7. #9 by Dido's Desolate Domain on November 7, 2016 - 12:43 pm

    Great blog post, Kristen. I’m sprinting with you right now at WANA Tribe! As one of nine, my house is ALWAYS mad.

  8. #10 by 1authorcygnetbrown on November 7, 2016 - 1:07 pm

    I so agree that perfectionism is the enemy of great writing! It paralyzes us rather than empowers us. My issues with perfectionism do not originate with my own expectations,but the expectations of others. Other people think that if I am sitting at my computer all day that I am wasting my time. I realized however that they think this way because that is what they would be doing if they were sitting at their computers all day.It really doesn’t matter what they think because I am not them. I am now working on my eighth year on NaNoWriMo and intend to win again.

  9. #11 by ashokbhatia on November 7, 2016 - 1:33 pm

    So very apt!

  10. #12 by Lynn on November 7, 2016 - 1:41 pm

    I loved this post ….. and the attached YouTube link. It was not what I was expecting, and it was so funny! (I speak enough german to “get” all of it, but even if i hadn’t, it would still have been a hoot!) …. and, as side note, we won’t talk about my house 😦

  11. #13 by 50at70 on November 7, 2016 - 2:28 pm

    I’m looking at writing my first query letter and had done to or three online classes and none helped. Either I”m not speaking their language or it is not sinking in, known as operator trouble. Mine are so bad I would reject them. Just signed up for your mentioned class. Hope it sinks and gets results. Thanks for the post it was just what I needed, I fit all the descriptions not just one.

  12. #14 by alexadarin on November 7, 2016 - 2:32 pm

    The problem with being a lunatic is that sometimes you don’t know you’re being one.

  13. #15 by Brenda Margriet on November 7, 2016 - 3:00 pm

    I heart this post. I don’t have a terribly strong “clean” gene (you know where to put things back in my house by the clean spots in the dust) so that part doesn’t really bother me. But I have to be REALLY CAREFUL about comparing myself to other writers. It’s so easy to get depressed about their successes or word counts or contracts. I have to remind myself I write because I love to write. Making a living at it would be nice (REALLY, REALLY NICE) but I’m going to do it anyway.🙂

  14. #16 by Elizabeth Rose on November 7, 2016 - 3:12 pm

    The joy of being a very late social media adopter!

    And yes, this need to be perfect sucks so much joy. Why can’t friends just stop over and we push the play-doh to the side and just enjoy their company? Why the mad dash to clean the house, making ourselves miserable and less likely to invite people over?

    When did this insanity start? The 50s when there were so many homemakers?

    I’d love for it to stop. Nope, kitchen isn’t spotless and I’m a mediocre cook that doesn’t like cooking. Bring a bottle of wine, I’ll order some pizza and we can hang out and talk.

  15. #17 by Send Sunshine on November 7, 2016 - 3:20 pm

    Again you always simply HIT it! Have a great week Kristen!

  16. #18 by Sarah Rosinski on November 7, 2016 - 3:39 pm

    I call it Author Envy, but it doesn’t make me crazy, it makes me dig deeper to make my own writing more amazing.
    When social media gets me mopey, I remember… I’ve written 2.5 novels. What have these people done, other than scrub toilets and rack up debt? Okay, okay, they go on vacations too…

  17. #19 by Deborah Makarios on November 7, 2016 - 5:11 pm

    The only way to keep your home ‘perfect’ is to kill all the inhabitants and bury them in the back yard (it’ll do marvels for the roses, too). Or… you can just roll with it and keep the house clean enough to not cause a yersinia pestis outbreak.
    I believe in doing my best, but sometimes my best is just ‘good enough’ in some areas – especially now as I am trying to do NaNo while my husband has bronchitis and I’m doing his share of the housework as well as mine (turns out he does a lot around here).
    And who says you can’t have a treat basket? I have a schedule of treats for each 10,000 words I add to the word count: a few chocolate biscuits, a fat juicy pickle…

  18. #20 by Raidon T. Phoenix on November 7, 2016 - 6:20 pm

    I love that you used the Give Me Compliments video! That guy is a riot. On the upside, shared this on Twitter, sharing on Facebook, because you’re right, we’re way too obsessed with, That person’s so perfect and I’m not! Except they never are either. Thanks for this. Yet another straight to the heart piece.

  19. #21 by Bryan Dawe on November 7, 2016 - 6:22 pm

    Author envy, uh huh … I envy anyone who can do settings…err and oh yes plots, oh and characters and if only I could…🙂

  20. #22 by T.K. Thorne on November 7, 2016 - 7:41 pm

    Kristen, I think you are the Emma Bombeck of our generation.

  21. #24 by tammy @ faithhopelovefood.com on November 7, 2016 - 7:44 pm

    Thank you for your encouragement!

  22. #25 by conniecockrell on November 7, 2016 - 11:32 pm

    Thank you. It’s NaNo. I haven’t been out of my tee shirt and sweat pants for 3 days. Cobwebs are hanging from the kitchen cabinets. The garden, fully framed by the patio door, is dead and looking a lot like a Halloween display. Hubby invited the guys over for poker in two days. Yep. I’m feeling a little stretched. It will all get done but in the meantime you gave me a chuckle. Thank you!

    On Mon, Nov 7, 2016 at 9:45 AM, Kristen Lamb’s Blog wrote:

    > Author Kristen Lamb posted: ” Last night I watched the movie Bad Moms and > it was a great movie. Brain candy. A lot of laughs. Nothing too deep…well, > maybe a little deep. One of the areas the movie explored is how in this age > we are all killing ourselves to reach some unreachable P” >

  23. #26 by ugiridharaprasad on November 8, 2016 - 12:00 am

    Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.

  24. #27 by joanzumwalt on November 8, 2016 - 1:06 am

    Great advice. The most memorable writers dared to be true to their own drumbeat –uniquely themselves.

    ________________________________

  25. #28 by acflory on November 8, 2016 - 3:55 am

    Love the video clip and thank you for a hilarious post.🙂

  26. #29 by Robin Whitson- O'Flinn on November 8, 2016 - 11:59 am

    Dear Kristin,
    I’m a writer, nope I’m a novelist. Yep, I did it. For the first time, I have declared- like an alcoholic that stands up at a meeting- I am a novelist, not just a writer. This blog Slave to Perfection & The Dangers of Comparing Ourselves with Others is brilliant. I have been terrified to start my blog, finish my books, or even fully admit that I wanted to stop being a technical writer and become a novelist. I have been following your blog for two years and have even been afraid to leave a comment. I realize now that fear of perfection is what was holding me back. Your words reached me on a level I can barely explain. However, I can tell you the moment it happened; the sage-like wisdom that ‘cats can only puke in the dark and on carpet’. Thank you for your words and I am happy to say that you have now moved from the category of one of those ‘perfect’ people I could never compare to to the driving force of inspiration who gave me the courage to accept my flawed self.
    Guess what: I’m a Novelist!!!

  27. #31 by Alyson Hinkie on November 10, 2016 - 10:44 am

    This might be my favorite post of yours. I needed a belly laugh this morning – that compliments video was a scream. Finally, creeping up on my 45th b-day, my desire to be the perfect mom, housekeeper, writer, or have the perfect body is waning – perfection puts people off and creates distance with other women. I do crave affirmation, but I crave intimacy and authenticity far more. Thank you for being authentic with this post.

  28. #32 by kdrose1 on November 10, 2016 - 11:12 am

    Reblogged this on authorkdrose.

  1. Slave to Perfection & The Dangers of Comparing Ourselves with Others | ugiridharaprasad
  2. Slave to Perfection & The Dangers of Comparing Ourselves with Others — Kristen Lamb’s Blog – Carly Quinn
  3. Writing Links in the 3s and 5…11/14/16 – Where Genres Collide

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: